tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-74464409700933571812024-03-12T19:15:04.776-07:00Progress Not PerfectionDetermined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.comBlogger72125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-11799929488567933662009-02-08T15:34:00.000-08:002009-02-08T15:40:15.444-08:00What a difference a year makes..I can't believe I haven't blogged for a whole year - how <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">weird</span> that I had the urge to check it nearly bang on a year since I last blogged. I am still hear and still sober. I felt an urge to write something down so here I am.<br /><br />I have a mental block about completing my performance review, I know it's fear as there are so many redundancies in my profession that I just don't want to commit to paper my <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">performance</span> even though I think I have done a pretty good job. I just HATE having to sing my own praises, which is what we have to do by giving examples etc. <br /><br />So, I have left it to the last minute and now feel stressed about it. On a roll of losing things at the moment, sunglasses (which I owned for a grand total of 8 minutes) although to be fair there is a lot of stuff to carry round with you when you are skiing. I lost my <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">cash card</span> also. <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Unmanageability</span> creeping back in....Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-84982560661633580552008-02-14T13:13:00.000-08:002008-02-14T13:27:45.022-08:00Valentines DayI feel alright this year, usually I indulge in a bit of self pity this time of year as it's also my birthday. I decided to organise drinks but noone seems to be around. To be honest I organised it rather half heartedly as I actually find organising these things very uncomfortable and generally don't like it. Still too afraid to buck the trend, although I AM learning. There is also a bit of me however that wants to celebrate my birthday in style and feel let down that hardly any of my so called friends want to join me!<br /><br /> It really is amazing that I have not died an alcoholic death by now so I am incredibly grateful for that!<br /><br />The reason trying to organise a night out for my birthday is difficult is becuase some people tend not to come. This year no one is around so I am going to cancel it. However, I don't want to indulge in self pity about it really. My bristol friends I knew would not come but I am slowly letting go of them. <br /><br />My friendships have largely been based on what I can get not what I can give which is why these friendships I find particularly painful as I was a bit like a leech around them when I was very ill, trying to get approval, attention and well, some help, which of course they were unable to give, not being alchys themselves.<br /><br />I find it painful whenever I have any contact with them. I think this is in recognition that deep down I know the friendships have run their course for me and for them I should imagine. I recognise this as a part of life now, that everything that begins also ends as the Budist practice emphasises. <br /><br />Anyway, I plan to meet some girlfriends for a birthday lunch this sunday which I AM looking forward to and on my birthday, well instead of drinks I'lll do something else. Of course I am hurt and resent my friends who have known me for 10 years plus have made other plans on my birthay weekend but I think my view of friendship is changing.<br /><br />I don't need to rely on them anymore as I have my higher power (SOME OF US HAVE TAKEN SOME VERY HARD KNOCKS TO LEARN THAT HAS LONG AS WE PLACE DEPENDANCE ON OTHER PEOPLE AHEAD OF DEPENDANCE ON GOD WE SIMPLY DO NOT STOP DRINKING or something like that anyway, don't have my big book to quote from verbatim)<br /><br />Well, another lesson, don't expect to much of people, they will inevitably let you down at some point.<br /><br />On the other hand I have lots of lovely people around me in London and am making lots of new friends along my journey in recovery. It's just I suppose a shift I am making; not to expect too much, not to rely so much. <br /><br />I am getting slowly more self sufficient, I am getting better at planning ahead and arranging things to do for the weeeekends, booking the tickets, planning in advance etc etc.<br /><br />Life is good!!!!!Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-36643515047624241882008-01-26T02:27:00.000-08:002008-01-26T03:35:09.342-08:00Chosing What I Want to DoThis same issue keeps coming up for me at the moment. Deciding what I want to do when I get invited to two different social events, or I have more than one option of doing something for the night or for the weekend. <br /><br />It's like this weekend, I had planned about two weeks ago to go to on a weekend away with the church group that I did my Alpha course with. It cost £85 pounds and was at the same place where I did my alpha weekend away. I left it to the last minute, well the day I was due to go, called up and was told there were no places left on the coach or at the venue for <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">accommodation</span>.<br /><br />I really liked the people I met and were I knew would be going and I had fun last time.<br /><br />The question I have been asking myself is why did I leave it to last minute.<br /><em></em><br /><em>I don't know whether <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">I'll</span> enjoy it</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>the people that are going have all known each other longer than they have known me so what if they leave me out?</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>It is a lot of money and I will have to put it on my credit card because this month has been a tight month and I hate having debts on my credit card</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>Maybe I should stay in London and spend time with my friends here, because if I don't they might forget about me and not invite me out to things in the future</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>I should go because I might meet someone there who I like and I want to increase my social circle as much as possible so that I maximise my chances of making new friends and finding a partner</em><br /><em></em><br />So the thing that stopped me was fear of being left out. Well, I could avoid this by being of service to other people even if the people I knew did leave me out or want to spend more time with each other and fear that my friends here would forget about me.<br /><br />The thing that made me feel the need to go was fear that if I don't go I will be missing an opportunity to meet more people.<br /><br />I don't want to be driven by fear or make decisions based on fear anymore, I want to base decisions on what I decide to do with my life based on what I WANT to do. I am going to ask my higher power to remove my fear and ask him to lead me to the best peer group for me at the moment. If that means I am not in forefront of <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">everyone</span> mind SO WHAT.<br /><br />I have got to learn not to listen to my head and feel the fear and do it anyway, as Susan <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Jeffers</span> says. Creating a new and better life for myself WILL involve leaving some people behind and WILL involve missing out on somethings.<br /><br />This is definitely an area for me to work on. Not being a slave to what other people suggest I do, invite me to and doing what I want to do.Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-40361581792586219062008-01-06T09:50:00.000-08:002008-01-06T10:14:25.466-08:00Where do I belong?Just come back from lunch at my friend's house. She's a friend I studied with for a year and I like her. She was there with her fiance and another married couple. <br /><br />I really do come from a different world to these people in a 'worldly' sense. One couple had got married when they were 25 and were on their third flat (bought) the other guy invests in property overseas for a living. This is all a world away from the house share that I am in at the moment. <br /><br />I think some people make it from nothing but I should imagine these guys must have had some parental help with finance.<br /><br />I do envy that. My parents did not make any money (they were both too ill). I got a reasonably good education and have ended up in a good profession, but I feel like a bit of an anomaly as most people I come <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">across</span> seem to have family stability, family money.<br /><br />My friend is getting married in June and the other female lunch guest, her sister is getting married this year too. They were talking about how their mums were arranging this that and the other, the clothes, the food, the family guest list.<br /><br />Again, that is just another world to me. My mum, when she was alive, just was not able to do those things and I have <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">always</span> been secretly worried about who I would invite when I do get married. I have a big extended family but know none of them due to family rifts that were in place long before I was born. <br /><br />Oh and I couldn't eat the pudding because it had <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Cointreau</span> in it, so yet again I am different to these people. I couldn't have the alternative as it had brandy butter on it!!!!!!!!<br /><br />One of the couples' live in north <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">London</span> and I couldn't help noticing in the conversation that they live round <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">their</span> corner from both their parents. That brought out my ever present concern about not living closer to my father and brings up the question I now ask myself "what am I doing here in <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">London</span>?"<br /><br />I have lived in quite a few different places in <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">London</span> and don't really know the current area where I live at all well and have never really taken to it. I am looking at flats in a another new area so it is sort of like I <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">don't</span> feel I have an identity with any area. <br /><br />The long and the short of it is that I want to fell settled. I have asked my higher power for guidance but, as usual, no reply.<br /><br />So, I don't fit in anywhere really apart from AA, which even then is touch and go.<br /><br />I don't fit into the world of professional homeowners who are all couples that I in fact belong to.<br /><br />I don't even fit into the new walking group that I belong to as the socialising is based on drinking. It doesn't stop me socialising or getting to know people but there is always that bond between drinkers that you just can not be part of if you don't drink.<br /><br />I get dismayed at the extent to which our county is an <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">alchocentric</span> society. I get so fed up of being asked why I don't drink. I feel like telling people to fuck off when they ask it but that is part of the society we live in.<br /><br />I don't want to drink but It does set me apart from certain people. That's been my experience anyway. I don't want to JUST again around with step 11 people or AA people, so I'd be interested to know how other people deal with this aspect of being sober. Socialising/being out there in the world where, let's face it, a lot of people are not tolerant.<br /><br />Or do I need to only pursue hobbies which are in line with my recovery, something that does not involve any drinking, which sadly pretty much rules out most things. Even step 11 pursuits people go to the pub afterwards.......Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-86476676678153466382008-01-03T13:38:00.000-08:002008-01-03T13:43:00.399-08:00London or Home TownI think I am getting to the end of the line with london. <br /><br />What is to keep me here?? Nothing. Whereas my peers in my home town earn less than me they have their own homes and partners and stability and I am still a lost soul who doesn't know which way to turn. I am just drifing, but am drifting in the most stressed out city in the country. I don't know how I ended up like this? <br />I can't be fucked with it all really. I seem to be behind everyone else, just a loser really. Keep saying to myself I'll get fit and don't. Still have this constant tension in my chest, which incidently I didn't have when in my home town. As I was driving to london I felt my chest clench up. <br /><br />I thought of that expression "stop the world I want to get off" the other day..I just want to get off, detox turn myself into an exercise guru and return.Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-64356438541280182042008-01-03T13:27:00.000-08:002008-01-03T13:37:03.642-08:00New YearI had a relaxing Christmas in my home town and a fun new year with some friends I made last year.<br /><br />I got back to London on Tuesday night and immediately felt exhausted the next day. I didn't sleep at all last night and ate crap food today so I feel shit. I went to a meeting last night which I enjoyed and went to my home group tonight and felt out of place. <br /><br />There seems to be a bit of a clique now which I am not part of. There are also quite a few thin, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">glamrous</span> well dressed women and I felt shit about my own body and my own clothes even though I spent a lot of money on a coat last month. <br /><br />I am not fat but I did overindulge over <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">christmas</span> and I have not yet been able to get back to the weight I was when I was drinking and I ate being overweight, as I am not a tall person so it shows. <br /><br />I just can't seem to stop the crappy food habits late at night and the puddings. I need a plan of action.<br /><br />There are some really horrible photos of me on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">facebook</span> where I look disgustingly ugly. I am not ugly though, it is just some photos are awful. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">UGGGG</span>.<br /><br />So, I feel shit about myself today. I have days where I think I am quite attractive and then I see a photo and think what was I thinking. <br /><br />I want to swim, run outside, play squash and tennis, do yoga and meditation and I keep saying I will do them and don't.<br /><br />It's the lack of control I hate most about the chocolate etc.<br /><br />I am toying with the idea of giving up sugar as other women in AA have done but do not have faith in myself that I would be able to do it. <br /><br />I don't like living where I am at the moment. I want to feel settled somewhere. I just feel like I am lodging in a room and have to answer to people I hate sharing a house and I hate the fact that I can not see through my goals.<br /><br />Hopefully, all this is because I am just tired.Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-33814476311485860142007-11-12T13:48:00.000-08:002007-11-12T13:50:53.352-08:00This and ThatI have not been blogging for a month now, now sure why that is, went off it a bit, should start again really, guess I will when I feel like it. Been knackered all the time, which I think is part of the reason and also I have just been busy! This is a good sign, in early recovery I remember feeling that I would never really be part of life or have a life. How things change hey...<br /><br />Had an opportunity come up which I postponed today and now I am really regretting it!!!!! Why do I do it. ARGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-30744048294748828132007-10-11T14:11:00.000-07:002007-10-11T14:24:50.066-07:00Feeling Like I don't belongWhatever group I am in, whether I be at work, in my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">homegroups</span> in AA, with old friends with new friends, I always feel like I do not belong, that they don't like me and that other people's relationships are deeper/better/stronger/closer than the ones I have with people. I get very jealous around female friends who are close to one another. I feel left out. I want the attention.<br /><br />I heard it said yesterday at some step 11 stuff I was attending, that life is all about relationships with other people. This is the one thing I find MOST difficult. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">UGGG</span>.<br /><br />This may be my conditioning "my stuff" or it may be true; maybe I am not able to form relationships very easily or be at ease with other people like some people are able to. Maybe this is an area I need to work on. It is a very old, repetitive, boring pattern of mine (the feeling of being left out/on the outskirts/loneliness even in a group of so called friends) and applies WHEREVER I am, so maybe it IS my head, or maybe it isn't...<br /><br />It has also recently struck me that there have been a couple of guys who really liked me and I just pushed them away. It is only now that I see how nice they were, how kind they were to me, how much they liked me. But no, I wasted the opportunities because I was obsessed with someone who was not interested. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">UGGGG</span>. what a waste. Now they are gone..in new relationships...and I am kicking <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">myself</span>. I <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">sabotage</span> good things, or used to anyway..I hope I am more able to see a good thing when it comes my way...<br /><br />Still, what's for you won't go by you. Thy will be done.<br /><br />I saw an old uni friend today. I have come away thinking is this what life is like?<br /><br />People competing against each other to have a relationship, a house, a car, a good holiday, a good job..is this what people do ALL the time for ALL their lives compare, compare and hope to find people they compare favourably too??<br /><br />One <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">upmanship</span>??<br /><br />If it's not the house or the guy, it'll be what school you get your kids into....and so it goes on.<br /><br />I hope not.<br /><br />What I am saying is that society appears to be so shallow. Is friendship not friendship anymore?? Is it all just compare. <br /><br />I am sure there were times when things weren't so serious, times when I have forgotten myself and just laughed or was silly...<br /><br />I hope there will be more of those times to come.<br /><br />So many questions about life....so few answers at the moment..Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-64049799615523613842007-10-09T15:07:00.000-07:002007-10-09T15:41:35.944-07:00AmbivalentAbout blogging at the moment. I am not sure I want to spill my heart out on the net. Dunno. Some of the comments I get on here piss me off. I don't necessarily want advice or to be told how shit I am all the time. It's turned into another addiction. I get a hit when I get comments, but then can become a bit glum when I don't.<br /><br />I am sick and tired of being emotionally dependant on other people. Sick and tired of it. I am on the starting line though, I can feel it.<br /><br />I am frustrated. The answers are within me, I just need to be still and find out what they are.<br /><br />I feel like flying away. I want to be in the fresh air and to feel alive. I want to feel free.<br /><br />My life here in London is so relentless. I am tired and feel a knot of anxiety most of the time, in my chest. I want to enjoy it. I WILL enjoy it and I WILL be happy.<br /><br />I am praying to my higher power to help me to decide whether to stay in <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">London</span> or move back to my home city. I feel the need to be settled somewhere. I think this is known as "nesting" I am praying to be shown what steps to take next in my career/my living situation. No answers have yet been revealed. I feel STUCK.<br /><br />I am handing it over. I still don't really understand what that means, to me it just means giving up trying to figure out the solution and having faith that I will be divinely inspired. Really though I don't expect to be, my higher power is still in my mind "punishing"and I am telling him what I think about that.<br /><br />I do have some faith, otherwise I would have stopped going to AA a long time ago. Give time time. <br /><br />Saw an old friend today, well a colleague I used to hang out with. I was good friends with her, but very good friends with a mutual friend of ours. I found out today she is engaged. We used to be so close and now I am not on her radar. We have drifted apart. Now they are close and both have partners. I feel left behind.<br /><br />This seems to be happening such a lot, my old friends no longer friends. Did some research on the net and this seems to be part of life. It's sad though. I miss some of them. <br /><br />Putting life "on hold" whilst recovering in AA is not really like that, as people move on on the outside, they get on with <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">their</span> lives. People don't wait around.<br /><br />I recognised my habitual reaction of "nobody likes me" "see my fears came true they didn't like me after all" and tried just to think, well friendships do change and they do, unfortunately end. Like this one has. <br /><br />It <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">seems</span> to be happening all the time; i hear of friends falling in love, settling down, buying property. It doesn't even upset me as much anymore. My higher power seems to want it to be that way, seems to want me to stay stuck. <br /><br />I feel like punching something very hard. Or stamping on something-like my mobile phone for example...it is such a piece of useless crap. The more high tech they are the more they go wrong.<br /><br />Thank god for AA meetings, group <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">consciounces</span> always amuse me.<br /><br />Thank god also for<br /><br />porridge (with maple <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">syup</span>)<br />the gym<br />baked potatoes<br />red bush tea<br />RAIN-I love it when it rains in London :-)<br />I am sober today<br />I am alive<br />I am young<br />I live in a lively city<br /><br />I think I will book myself a holiday somewhere hot.Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-65946423711337143612007-10-04T15:42:00.000-07:002007-10-04T15:48:58.880-07:00Indecsion"We intuitively know how to handle situations that previously baffled us"<br /><br />Indecision: buy this flat/don't buy this flat.<br /><br />Go to this party/don't got to this party<br /><br />No one has the answers, they can only guide and no one is always right or right most of the time even.<br /><br />People you think have the answers don't necessarily and people who sound very compelling are often wrong.<br /><br />Taking Risks<br /><br />Is life all just about luck??<br /><br />Why do some suffer more than others?<br /><br />Why am I so indecisive........??<br /><br />A lot of questions.<br /><br />I still feel that some people in my home group don't like me. Maybe they don't. but why do I care so much?? <br /><br />Why do the same things bug me over and over again?<br /><br />I don't think there are any answers really<br /><br />Do the right thing and the right thing happens?? But how does this apply to chosing between two innocuous options??<br /><br />Too much thinking.Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-83688831966035089682007-10-02T13:23:00.000-07:002007-10-02T13:35:53.949-07:00PartyThere is one coming up in my home city and I am totally stressed about it. It's the 30<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">th</span> birthday of my three friends I went to school/sixth form college with. One of then I cut contact with because the friendship wasn't really working anymore, she made some mistakes and I was very envious of her life as she is one of those people who seems to glide through it. I was also jealous of all the men she attracted, as she is essentially very comfortable in her own skin. <br /><br />They will all be there and the whole thing presses all my buttons; they are having their party together (their birthdays fall in October, mine in February) so I feel excluded and that they don't want me there.<br /><br />The friend I cut contact with (who I recently emailed after over a year of no contact to say hi) is friends with a couple who knows an ex-love of mine, who I was obsessed with for many years.<br /><br />I also feel ashamed of myself for breaking down and these friends were there when it happened. I don't feel as close to them anymore and I feel as though it is "them and us". I behaved in a very mad way around the guy I was obsessed with and I know he and his friends laughed at me at the time, saying I was mad.<br /><br />If I don't go I will feel like a loser and if I do go I know I will find it <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">difficult</span> seeing.<br /><br />I have the option of going away for the weekend with a new group <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">I've</span> joined that weekend and have told them I have already booked my ticket (which is not true) so may not be able to go to the party anyway.<br /><br />Plus I don't think they really want me there anyway, I have been obsessive and moaned a lot for the past two years. <br /><br />I have known these people for 12 years yet this is really playing on my mind. I know the solution (pray and step 10) I am just wondering if anyone else ever feels like this.<br /><br />I suppose it is pride really, I feel they all look down on me and don't want me there. Plus I know I will find seeing friends of that guy, and he might even be there. <br /><br />On the other hand maybe it will be good for me to face them all and just try and increase the joy of the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">occasion</span>. <br /><br />Don't know what to do. If I don't go I will feel like I have missed out....on opportunity to show everyone I am better than I was??Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-79839694300905611422007-09-25T15:01:00.000-07:002007-09-25T15:35:04.776-07:00Denial-It's Not a River in Egypt!!I did a chair tonight at my home group and it struck me when listening to some of the sharing back that I had focused the entirety of my share of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">alcoholism</span> on my dad's alcoholism not my own!!! I had never really appreciated that I had done that before. <br /><br />I get so frustrated with HIM when he focuses on drinking patterns of his alcoholic friend, but I am doing exactly the same thing by focusing on HIS alcoholism and not MY OWN.<br /><br />It's like I "got" step one on an emotional and mental level but I am still firmly entrenched in denial about my own drinking habits. Sure, they did not progress to the extent that some have known, but they were dangerous, out of control. I do not mean by this that I still have an obsession to drink because I absolutely know that I do not. That obsession left me very early on in my time in AA.<br /><br />I can only clear my side of the street. I have tried to make my dad go to AA, go to Al <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">annon</span>, read the Big Book but he won't. His denial is too thick. I am completely powerless over this and think I may have reached the point of "throwing in the towel" on that issue. <br /><br />(Reminds me of one of those AA sayings I heard fro the first time the other day "Throwing in the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">towel</span>, but holding onto the corner" <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Hehee</span> I liked that one)<br /><br />As my sponsor said to me when he had his last bender, I am NOT that important and DO NOT make him drink (although this was a line he used to take when I was younger, bless his heart) or CAUSE him to drink. I simply do not have that much power. There is a god and I am not it. That does not mean that I do not continue to try to be the best daughter I can be, despite my frustrations with him and, anger. I am trying to cultivate compassion here and have made progress, but this is a tough one. Still, it's doable I am sure!!<br /><br />I will check out Adult Children of Alcoholics soon...when I have some more time!!!<br /><br />I also seem to have more acceptance around the fact that it's taking me a bit of time to catch up with my non alcoholic peers. I have a long way to go in terms of my ability to form relationships and to trust and to make friendships, but I will get there in the end.....<br /><br />As one of my sponsors used to say when I asked HOW...it takes HARD LABOUR..:-) For me, this is about trying to suspend my disbelief when people say there <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">lives</span> keep getting better and better the more they practice these principles in all their affairs (and not throwing so many tantrums :-))<br /><br />Goos luck to those of you embarking on those legal courses/new term. You know who you are.Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-59648302142126434012007-09-22T14:39:00.000-07:002007-09-22T14:53:21.524-07:00FearI think this plays a big part in my life at the moment; fear of change and actually becoming a mature, responsible woman. <br /><br />Fear of striking up friendships in case they go wrong. Fear of getting close...to anyone really. Fear of changing. Fear of what I will be like if I stop being so resentful. Fear of feeling sad. Fear of all sorts of things. <br /><br />Fear of working the programme in all my affairs in case it doesn't work for me. Fear of my dad growing old. Fear of not changing. Fear of being kind and generous. Fear of being good at my job. Fear of being friendless. Fear that my heart has turned to stone. Fear that I am mean spirited. Fear that I will be left behind.<br /><br />At the same time, I am sick and tired of:<br /><br />Being a victim<br /><br />Being negative<br /><br />Not trusting anyone<br /><br />Thinking other people are lying/are shit/don't like me/don't want me around<br /><br />Thinking I am shit at everything<br /><br />Thinking I don't deserve to be happy<br /><br />Not enjoying life to the full!!<br /><br />Striving so hard that I make myself physically burn out<br /><br />Feeling so anxious my chest feels like it has a ball of tension stuck inside it<br /><br />Trying to figure stuff out on my own<br /><br />Thinking I am special and different<br /><br />Thinking God hates me<br /><br />Not being the best daughter or sister I can be<br /><br />Feeling left behind in AA<br /><br />Losing perspective; not seeing the good<br /><br />Being how I am at the moment!!!Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-60800240203555031142007-09-20T14:33:00.000-07:002007-09-20T15:05:54.129-07:00Weary but Still trudging the road of happy destiny..I feel that I have come through something recently. Something has shifted. I was resisting and trying so hard to make things go my way that it just got too painful and I have let go. I have become more teachable.<br /><br />There have been very clear turning points in my recovery so far. When I first got step one on a certain level, then had another step one moment on a slightly different level. <br /><br />There have been many step one moments not just with alcohol but in many different areas of my life. About my destructive relationships with men, about the reality of my childhood and the suffering my parents experienced. About my work, about my mental health, about my physical appearance, about my habits around food and caffeine. I expect I will continue to have these. I have heard these moments of clarity described variously as<br /><br />The scales falling from your eyes<br /><br />"Spinach in teeth" moments (often accompanied by a gasp of "how could I have thought that/god was I really like that/how could I not have seen that)<br /><br />Shedding skins<br /><br />Peeling the layers off an onion<br /><br />It's all about self discovery and awareness really...<br /><br />Just now, I am weary. A little <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">jaded</span>. I intend to slow down a little. Make sleep and diet a priority. Strive for excellence in those areas; go to any lengths. I am running on a half a cylinder and I am not prepared to accept that as being good enough anymore. I didn't stop drinking so I could feel tired and sluggish all the time. I want to feel good about my body and what I put into it. <br /><br />If you want self esteem do <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">esteemable</span> things.<br /><br />Little things get to me when I am tired. <br /><br />Like my housemate saying she intends to <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">watch</span> the rugby tomorrow night when she knows my dad is coming to visit. Like the fact that she is always in and I am always out and about and she can't even allow me some time in the house alone with my dad. It's so thoughtless. I am thoughtless too I know I know. I find it so frustrating that she just doesn't go out. Need to take inventory on that, something in me that is triggered by that..need to get to the bottom of it. <br /><br />When she asked "does your dad like rugby" I said "I don't know", when <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">in fact</span> what I wanted to say was "actually he is not a big fan and I would quite like to have some time in the sitting <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">room</span> with him and my sister, as I rarely get to use the sitting room or have any time to myself in it" <br /><br />Now I have a resentment against her and she is living in my head rent free. It's like I assume her interest in watching the rugby naturally takes precedence over my right to have some time in a sitting room that I pay rent to use, as she does regularly and I don't.<br /><br />I feel so uncomfortable being a spineless doormat these days. Yet knowing when I am being one and trying to balance that with being of maximum helpfulness to others, which is what the programme asks of us, is a tough call, one that can only be worked out on a case by case basis.<br /><br />I have had a good day today, all in, a long running piece of work came to a successful conclusion today and I enjoyed the final negotiations. Job done. Caught the tail end of a meeting too and saw some newcomers filled with hope, which is always good to see. :-)Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-45486188451288088082007-09-17T14:48:00.000-07:002007-09-17T14:51:27.244-07:00People..are actually quite nice. I sometimes feel a warmth towards other people. I don't think I have often experienced it...Just random people, like the personal trainer in the gym or the girl who did my highlights tonight at the hair dresser. Just little things about them made me smile.Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-79058086991566901802007-09-15T14:12:00.000-07:002007-09-15T14:24:38.168-07:00WeekendsI feel less lonely during the weekends. I used to feel so LONELY and adrift when I first stopped drinking and came into recovery.<br /><br />Now I feel less lonely, but I still seem to find myself drifting a bit at the weekend. I don't seem to like <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">committing</span> myself to plans <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">in case</span> something better comes along, but then end up having gaps where I am not with people I feel lonely and friendless.<br /><br />I do not feel like I have that many friends at the moment. I am very independent in many ways, but I need to have a look at my social life, make some changes.<br /><br />Other people seem to talk about themselves so much and not even notice I am there. I get a bit disappointed by other people sometimes and wonder why I bother to try. I don't seem to fit in anyway or be noticed. What do these people do when they are alone? Continue to bang on about themselves?? They may aswell, why does it matter if no one is there!<br /><br />I am tired today. Always tired. I can't seem to get the balance right at the moment. Will keep on keeping on though.Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-34048918775318586292007-09-13T15:11:00.000-07:002007-09-13T15:33:30.506-07:00Home Group & Crazy PeopleVery mad person in our meeting tonight, felt a very <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">unsettling</span> vibe in the meeting, it was palpable from when the meeting started. <br /><br />Drunk, of course, but very mad and aggressive too. He left thank god after someone insulted him and half the meeting left to watch them fight outside. I think it <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">petered</span> out, but God what a nightmare!! That meeting some weeks is so fantastic and others it is just completely CRAZY.<br /><br />There was a guy from one of the "strong" meetings we have here in London, shares the message (no matter how repetitive and scripted it sounds) and has that sparkle in his eye. You know the type, the one you see and think yeah <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">THAT's </span> why I want to start doing the suggestions more so that I feel GREAT and energised and light. <br /><br />Well anyway, he was there and of course I, having been secretary at that meeting for nearly a year, feel like it is MINE, it belongs to me, it's success is down to me and if it goes badly it is down to something I have done wrong. Self <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Centredness</span>, pride, dishonesty, arrogance. <br /><br />Lo and behold however just as I am thinking he will be really impressed with ME and MY MEETING (which of course is bullshit as the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">meeting</span> has been going on for years Before Moi (BM), it's COMPLETELY CRAZY.<br /><br />Home groups for me though have been the foundation of my recovery. It has given me consistency and a sense of "belonging" to a group and giving me a purpose in that group (washing up, greeting, putting up the signs, hoovering and now secretary). I have changed both mine since my early days, the ones I went to first were VERY structured and rigid and that is what I felt most safe with. <br /><br />The chaos of some of the more crazy meetings I couldn't handle as I felt too fragile. The guys were so kind and really were very sexually restrained (good male sponsorhip) so it felt safe. I felt very uncomfortable around men for a long time. I still do sometimes. I guess this is all just learning to be comfortable in my own skin.Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-18321053587371823092007-09-11T14:55:00.000-07:002007-09-11T15:01:42.911-07:00Practice these Principles in ALL our affairs"We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes OCCUPATIONS and affairs."Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-10901920744182653872007-09-06T14:09:00.000-07:002007-09-06T14:24:15.376-07:00GrowthI have asked for some advice on my career situation and got some very candid feedback. <br /><br />I shudder about some of the fantastic opportunities I have missed <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">because</span> I have been in denial about certain things or just not willing to educate myself enough. Denial really is a right bugger.<br /><br />It's been easier to find fault with everyone else.<br /><br />There a few areas I can now "see" I need to work on. I don't want to go into them all here, I am rather <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">embarrassed</span> about it all if the truth be known. At least I can "feel" that I am closer to the truth than I was before.<br /><br />The Truth Shall Set you Free.<br /><br />I am still not really sure that this is what is going on here, I just feel a bit strange...like things have been rearranged. Humbled/embarrassed/feel like I look a bit silly/sad/angry with myself.<br /><br />I have missed both my home groups this week, one was unavoidable as I was away for work the other I chose to do something else.Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-60852498971943522812007-09-04T15:08:00.000-07:002007-09-04T15:15:31.606-07:00I don't know what to sayI think I might be heading towards a point of clarity about my job situation. I feel a bit different. I can not articulate it at the moment, but I feel a may be getting closer to the truth. <br /><br />Part of what I am feeling is defeat. Surrender. A concession to my inner most self that I can't figure this out on my own???<br /><br />I do not know.<br /><br />The words "it was a crushing blow" spring to mind from the Big Book. Maybe I have hit step one in this area. Or maybe I am talking crap. I am tired and getting a cold after all this analysis!<br /><br />I AM genuiently greatful I am sober today. At least I now have the opportunity to deal with these issues. <br /><br />I am grateful it's autumn too...I hate summer...maybe that will change one day...and I will be like that rest of the world who adore summer for reasons best known to themselves.Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-78625968313800131602007-09-03T13:54:00.000-07:002007-09-03T14:24:00.937-07:00Confused..I think I have maybe been lying to myself all this time about jobs. If I really wanted a new one why did I not really make the effort. What was stopping me?? Was it fear all this time. It's been three years. A year of that time spent going through the steps, a year getting up the courage to seriously apply and a year wasted I guess...<br /><br />I don't know what it has all been about. Have I not REALLY been trying? Am I too lazy? Am I missing something.<br /><br />I have missed a lot of opportunities, because I think my head has been in the sand or I have just been plan dishonest about what I want don't want.<br /><br />Maybe I have been too scared to get out my comfort zone or too lazy??<br /><br />Step ten, will keep doing it, even though I think it's a pile of sh*te, I know my best thinking got me here and all that.......<br /><br />One confused/stuck in rut (and wanting to stay there??) person..Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-28184190318717344942007-09-02T12:58:00.000-07:002007-09-02T13:05:43.326-07:00Step 11I did some step 11 stuff today.<br /><br />Have a few more step 11 things taking place over the next few months, looking forward to that.<br /><br />Also had a savoury crepe some coffee with someone from the fellowship, afterwards.<br /><br />Too tired to try to figure issues out today.Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-46388734185492839362007-09-01T17:06:00.000-07:002007-09-01T17:21:47.535-07:00WorkI am being bullied by one of my colleagues at work. Since I have been in the job I have been seen by my colleagues as a soft target. They know I am weak and vulnerable so they do what human beings love to do: put me down and bully me.<br /><br />At the moment, a more senior colleaugue, desperate to promote himself, keeps taking swipes at me, saying things like (in front of my boss) what I am saying is not relevant, saying what I saying does not make sense, talking over me. <br /><br />It's been like this since I have been in this role, it hasn't changed and I doubt it will now, they do it like shooting fish in a barrell. There are three of them and one of me, becuase I am not loud or confident and don't drink I get shat on regularly. <br /><br />OH and, yes tried leaving, never get anywhere with that despite numerous attempts. <br /><br />So, this is my lot that my loving higher power as given to me; bullied at work, unable to secure an alternative job, no partner. I am so grateful, wow, I am soooooo lucky. Lucky old me. <br /><br />But hey I'm not drinking or taking drugs so wow what a GREAT life I have. Thanks God. Thanks for making me. <br /><br />Glad to be alive. Life beyond my wildest dreams, sssssssh all that working with newcomers really paid off, I am soooooooo glad I did it. I'm REALLY being looked after. Rocketed in a fourth dimension that's me. <br /><br />Gratitude:<br /><br />I am grateful that<br /><br />I am consistently bullied at work<br />I am put down and ignored at work<br />I keep trying to get a new job...but dont get one<br />that I am single<br />I was born<br /><br />Because you know what, it's all for a reason, god works in mysterious ways so I am so grateful he has given soooooooo much. Wow, life is just utterly fantastic.Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-23739010736150579082007-08-31T13:58:00.000-07:002007-08-31T14:13:25.142-07:00Being SingleI am so sick of it right now. My period of being single is just going on and on and on and it's over two years now, rather than just two years. I can't imagine it changing and on a practical level this is a concern: my colleagues are mostly married, the men I do meet during the course of work are married and no one has expressed any interest in me. I have singed up to internet dating again, nothing really came of it last summer when I did it. I guess it gives me some hope to be registered with a site but I don't really expect anything to come of it.<br /><br />One of my last remaining single friends has just met someone and already she can't be arsed to return my calls having been very reliable before now.<br /><br />I don't want to be single for the rest of my life. I want to have the joy of compansionship and closeness to someone anyone in AA who tries to tell me there is anything wrong with that they clearly are deluded. I am trying to keep busy, go to meetings regularly,joined a group but it's never enough. Guy from that group asked me on date, so there are some offers but he just made me feel so angry.<br /><br />I've asked other single women my age how they feel and it's the same as me. I am not special and different. Feelings are:<br /><br />I feel there is something wrong with me/why are so many people in couples and not me<br />I feel I will NEVER meet anyone<br />I feel that noone will want me<br />I am scared I will never have kids<br /><br />If my life is meant to be spent as a single person for years and years on end I really dont see much point to it. <br /><br />No matter how many suggestions I do or meditation I go to there is always a yearning for close contact with another human being. This is part of being human, of being a woman, of being me.<br /><br />That is how I feel today. I feel lonely and I feel tired. and I feel sad and I feel that everything is f*cking pointless.Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7446440970093357181.post-22419032149711822712007-08-29T15:34:00.000-07:002007-08-29T15:40:52.543-07:00Hurting my dadI sometimes say really cruel things to him, that he doesn't deserve. He told me today he felt upset by what I had said that saddened my heart.<br /><br />I seem to be "processing" anger at the moment, i feel it coming up through my body from my stomach to my chest, it is like a ball in my chest at the moment. I was talking with someone about the times my dad let us down when he was drinking and about the decisions he made when we were growing up. I have forgiven him, but this anger still seeps out.<br /><br /> I don't want to harm my dad. I love him dearly and know that he has a lot of sadness and has had so many disappointments and heartaches and I know that he feels like a failure as a father. He admits to this type of thing when he drinks.<br /><br />I need to learn to process this anger in a "safe" way. Any suggestions greatly received.Determined1http://www.blogger.com/profile/09817589557989706862noreply@blogger.com4