I can't believe I haven't blogged for a whole year - how weird that I had the urge to check it nearly bang on a year since I last blogged. I am still hear and still sober. I felt an urge to write something down so here I am.
I have a mental block about completing my performance review, I know it's fear as there are so many redundancies in my profession that I just don't want to commit to paper my performance even though I think I have done a pretty good job. I just HATE having to sing my own praises, which is what we have to do by giving examples etc.
So, I have left it to the last minute and now feel stressed about it. On a roll of losing things at the moment, sunglasses (which I owned for a grand total of 8 minutes) although to be fair there is a lot of stuff to carry round with you when you are skiing. I lost my cash card also. Unmanageability creeping back in....
Sunday 8 February 2009
Thursday 14 February 2008
Valentines Day
I feel alright this year, usually I indulge in a bit of self pity this time of year as it's also my birthday. I decided to organise drinks but noone seems to be around. To be honest I organised it rather half heartedly as I actually find organising these things very uncomfortable and generally don't like it. Still too afraid to buck the trend, although I AM learning. There is also a bit of me however that wants to celebrate my birthday in style and feel let down that hardly any of my so called friends want to join me!
It really is amazing that I have not died an alcoholic death by now so I am incredibly grateful for that!
The reason trying to organise a night out for my birthday is difficult is becuase some people tend not to come. This year no one is around so I am going to cancel it. However, I don't want to indulge in self pity about it really. My bristol friends I knew would not come but I am slowly letting go of them.
My friendships have largely been based on what I can get not what I can give which is why these friendships I find particularly painful as I was a bit like a leech around them when I was very ill, trying to get approval, attention and well, some help, which of course they were unable to give, not being alchys themselves.
I find it painful whenever I have any contact with them. I think this is in recognition that deep down I know the friendships have run their course for me and for them I should imagine. I recognise this as a part of life now, that everything that begins also ends as the Budist practice emphasises.
Anyway, I plan to meet some girlfriends for a birthday lunch this sunday which I AM looking forward to and on my birthday, well instead of drinks I'lll do something else. Of course I am hurt and resent my friends who have known me for 10 years plus have made other plans on my birthay weekend but I think my view of friendship is changing.
I don't need to rely on them anymore as I have my higher power (SOME OF US HAVE TAKEN SOME VERY HARD KNOCKS TO LEARN THAT HAS LONG AS WE PLACE DEPENDANCE ON OTHER PEOPLE AHEAD OF DEPENDANCE ON GOD WE SIMPLY DO NOT STOP DRINKING or something like that anyway, don't have my big book to quote from verbatim)
Well, another lesson, don't expect to much of people, they will inevitably let you down at some point.
On the other hand I have lots of lovely people around me in London and am making lots of new friends along my journey in recovery. It's just I suppose a shift I am making; not to expect too much, not to rely so much.
I am getting slowly more self sufficient, I am getting better at planning ahead and arranging things to do for the weeeekends, booking the tickets, planning in advance etc etc.
Life is good!!!!!
It really is amazing that I have not died an alcoholic death by now so I am incredibly grateful for that!
The reason trying to organise a night out for my birthday is difficult is becuase some people tend not to come. This year no one is around so I am going to cancel it. However, I don't want to indulge in self pity about it really. My bristol friends I knew would not come but I am slowly letting go of them.
My friendships have largely been based on what I can get not what I can give which is why these friendships I find particularly painful as I was a bit like a leech around them when I was very ill, trying to get approval, attention and well, some help, which of course they were unable to give, not being alchys themselves.
I find it painful whenever I have any contact with them. I think this is in recognition that deep down I know the friendships have run their course for me and for them I should imagine. I recognise this as a part of life now, that everything that begins also ends as the Budist practice emphasises.
Anyway, I plan to meet some girlfriends for a birthday lunch this sunday which I AM looking forward to and on my birthday, well instead of drinks I'lll do something else. Of course I am hurt and resent my friends who have known me for 10 years plus have made other plans on my birthay weekend but I think my view of friendship is changing.
I don't need to rely on them anymore as I have my higher power (SOME OF US HAVE TAKEN SOME VERY HARD KNOCKS TO LEARN THAT HAS LONG AS WE PLACE DEPENDANCE ON OTHER PEOPLE AHEAD OF DEPENDANCE ON GOD WE SIMPLY DO NOT STOP DRINKING or something like that anyway, don't have my big book to quote from verbatim)
Well, another lesson, don't expect to much of people, they will inevitably let you down at some point.
On the other hand I have lots of lovely people around me in London and am making lots of new friends along my journey in recovery. It's just I suppose a shift I am making; not to expect too much, not to rely so much.
I am getting slowly more self sufficient, I am getting better at planning ahead and arranging things to do for the weeeekends, booking the tickets, planning in advance etc etc.
Life is good!!!!!
Saturday 26 January 2008
Chosing What I Want to Do
This same issue keeps coming up for me at the moment. Deciding what I want to do when I get invited to two different social events, or I have more than one option of doing something for the night or for the weekend.
It's like this weekend, I had planned about two weeks ago to go to on a weekend away with the church group that I did my Alpha course with. It cost £85 pounds and was at the same place where I did my alpha weekend away. I left it to the last minute, well the day I was due to go, called up and was told there were no places left on the coach or at the venue for accommodation.
I really liked the people I met and were I knew would be going and I had fun last time.
The question I have been asking myself is why did I leave it to last minute.
I don't know whether I'll enjoy it
the people that are going have all known each other longer than they have known me so what if they leave me out?
It is a lot of money and I will have to put it on my credit card because this month has been a tight month and I hate having debts on my credit card
Maybe I should stay in London and spend time with my friends here, because if I don't they might forget about me and not invite me out to things in the future
I should go because I might meet someone there who I like and I want to increase my social circle as much as possible so that I maximise my chances of making new friends and finding a partner
So the thing that stopped me was fear of being left out. Well, I could avoid this by being of service to other people even if the people I knew did leave me out or want to spend more time with each other and fear that my friends here would forget about me.
The thing that made me feel the need to go was fear that if I don't go I will be missing an opportunity to meet more people.
I don't want to be driven by fear or make decisions based on fear anymore, I want to base decisions on what I decide to do with my life based on what I WANT to do. I am going to ask my higher power to remove my fear and ask him to lead me to the best peer group for me at the moment. If that means I am not in forefront of everyone mind SO WHAT.
I have got to learn not to listen to my head and feel the fear and do it anyway, as Susan Jeffers says. Creating a new and better life for myself WILL involve leaving some people behind and WILL involve missing out on somethings.
This is definitely an area for me to work on. Not being a slave to what other people suggest I do, invite me to and doing what I want to do.
It's like this weekend, I had planned about two weeks ago to go to on a weekend away with the church group that I did my Alpha course with. It cost £85 pounds and was at the same place where I did my alpha weekend away. I left it to the last minute, well the day I was due to go, called up and was told there were no places left on the coach or at the venue for accommodation.
I really liked the people I met and were I knew would be going and I had fun last time.
The question I have been asking myself is why did I leave it to last minute.
I don't know whether I'll enjoy it
the people that are going have all known each other longer than they have known me so what if they leave me out?
It is a lot of money and I will have to put it on my credit card because this month has been a tight month and I hate having debts on my credit card
Maybe I should stay in London and spend time with my friends here, because if I don't they might forget about me and not invite me out to things in the future
I should go because I might meet someone there who I like and I want to increase my social circle as much as possible so that I maximise my chances of making new friends and finding a partner
So the thing that stopped me was fear of being left out. Well, I could avoid this by being of service to other people even if the people I knew did leave me out or want to spend more time with each other and fear that my friends here would forget about me.
The thing that made me feel the need to go was fear that if I don't go I will be missing an opportunity to meet more people.
I don't want to be driven by fear or make decisions based on fear anymore, I want to base decisions on what I decide to do with my life based on what I WANT to do. I am going to ask my higher power to remove my fear and ask him to lead me to the best peer group for me at the moment. If that means I am not in forefront of everyone mind SO WHAT.
I have got to learn not to listen to my head and feel the fear and do it anyway, as Susan Jeffers says. Creating a new and better life for myself WILL involve leaving some people behind and WILL involve missing out on somethings.
This is definitely an area for me to work on. Not being a slave to what other people suggest I do, invite me to and doing what I want to do.
Sunday 6 January 2008
Where do I belong?
Just come back from lunch at my friend's house. She's a friend I studied with for a year and I like her. She was there with her fiance and another married couple.
I really do come from a different world to these people in a 'worldly' sense. One couple had got married when they were 25 and were on their third flat (bought) the other guy invests in property overseas for a living. This is all a world away from the house share that I am in at the moment.
I think some people make it from nothing but I should imagine these guys must have had some parental help with finance.
I do envy that. My parents did not make any money (they were both too ill). I got a reasonably good education and have ended up in a good profession, but I feel like a bit of an anomaly as most people I come across seem to have family stability, family money.
My friend is getting married in June and the other female lunch guest, her sister is getting married this year too. They were talking about how their mums were arranging this that and the other, the clothes, the food, the family guest list.
Again, that is just another world to me. My mum, when she was alive, just was not able to do those things and I have always been secretly worried about who I would invite when I do get married. I have a big extended family but know none of them due to family rifts that were in place long before I was born.
Oh and I couldn't eat the pudding because it had Cointreau in it, so yet again I am different to these people. I couldn't have the alternative as it had brandy butter on it!!!!!!!!
One of the couples' live in north London and I couldn't help noticing in the conversation that they live round their corner from both their parents. That brought out my ever present concern about not living closer to my father and brings up the question I now ask myself "what am I doing here in London?"
I have lived in quite a few different places in London and don't really know the current area where I live at all well and have never really taken to it. I am looking at flats in a another new area so it is sort of like I don't feel I have an identity with any area.
The long and the short of it is that I want to fell settled. I have asked my higher power for guidance but, as usual, no reply.
So, I don't fit in anywhere really apart from AA, which even then is touch and go.
I don't fit into the world of professional homeowners who are all couples that I in fact belong to.
I don't even fit into the new walking group that I belong to as the socialising is based on drinking. It doesn't stop me socialising or getting to know people but there is always that bond between drinkers that you just can not be part of if you don't drink.
I get dismayed at the extent to which our county is an alchocentric society. I get so fed up of being asked why I don't drink. I feel like telling people to fuck off when they ask it but that is part of the society we live in.
I don't want to drink but It does set me apart from certain people. That's been my experience anyway. I don't want to JUST again around with step 11 people or AA people, so I'd be interested to know how other people deal with this aspect of being sober. Socialising/being out there in the world where, let's face it, a lot of people are not tolerant.
Or do I need to only pursue hobbies which are in line with my recovery, something that does not involve any drinking, which sadly pretty much rules out most things. Even step 11 pursuits people go to the pub afterwards.......
I really do come from a different world to these people in a 'worldly' sense. One couple had got married when they were 25 and were on their third flat (bought) the other guy invests in property overseas for a living. This is all a world away from the house share that I am in at the moment.
I think some people make it from nothing but I should imagine these guys must have had some parental help with finance.
I do envy that. My parents did not make any money (they were both too ill). I got a reasonably good education and have ended up in a good profession, but I feel like a bit of an anomaly as most people I come across seem to have family stability, family money.
My friend is getting married in June and the other female lunch guest, her sister is getting married this year too. They were talking about how their mums were arranging this that and the other, the clothes, the food, the family guest list.
Again, that is just another world to me. My mum, when she was alive, just was not able to do those things and I have always been secretly worried about who I would invite when I do get married. I have a big extended family but know none of them due to family rifts that were in place long before I was born.
Oh and I couldn't eat the pudding because it had Cointreau in it, so yet again I am different to these people. I couldn't have the alternative as it had brandy butter on it!!!!!!!!
One of the couples' live in north London and I couldn't help noticing in the conversation that they live round their corner from both their parents. That brought out my ever present concern about not living closer to my father and brings up the question I now ask myself "what am I doing here in London?"
I have lived in quite a few different places in London and don't really know the current area where I live at all well and have never really taken to it. I am looking at flats in a another new area so it is sort of like I don't feel I have an identity with any area.
The long and the short of it is that I want to fell settled. I have asked my higher power for guidance but, as usual, no reply.
So, I don't fit in anywhere really apart from AA, which even then is touch and go.
I don't fit into the world of professional homeowners who are all couples that I in fact belong to.
I don't even fit into the new walking group that I belong to as the socialising is based on drinking. It doesn't stop me socialising or getting to know people but there is always that bond between drinkers that you just can not be part of if you don't drink.
I get dismayed at the extent to which our county is an alchocentric society. I get so fed up of being asked why I don't drink. I feel like telling people to fuck off when they ask it but that is part of the society we live in.
I don't want to drink but It does set me apart from certain people. That's been my experience anyway. I don't want to JUST again around with step 11 people or AA people, so I'd be interested to know how other people deal with this aspect of being sober. Socialising/being out there in the world where, let's face it, a lot of people are not tolerant.
Or do I need to only pursue hobbies which are in line with my recovery, something that does not involve any drinking, which sadly pretty much rules out most things. Even step 11 pursuits people go to the pub afterwards.......
Thursday 3 January 2008
London or Home Town
I think I am getting to the end of the line with london.
What is to keep me here?? Nothing. Whereas my peers in my home town earn less than me they have their own homes and partners and stability and I am still a lost soul who doesn't know which way to turn. I am just drifing, but am drifting in the most stressed out city in the country. I don't know how I ended up like this?
I can't be fucked with it all really. I seem to be behind everyone else, just a loser really. Keep saying to myself I'll get fit and don't. Still have this constant tension in my chest, which incidently I didn't have when in my home town. As I was driving to london I felt my chest clench up.
I thought of that expression "stop the world I want to get off" the other day..I just want to get off, detox turn myself into an exercise guru and return.
What is to keep me here?? Nothing. Whereas my peers in my home town earn less than me they have their own homes and partners and stability and I am still a lost soul who doesn't know which way to turn. I am just drifing, but am drifting in the most stressed out city in the country. I don't know how I ended up like this?
I can't be fucked with it all really. I seem to be behind everyone else, just a loser really. Keep saying to myself I'll get fit and don't. Still have this constant tension in my chest, which incidently I didn't have when in my home town. As I was driving to london I felt my chest clench up.
I thought of that expression "stop the world I want to get off" the other day..I just want to get off, detox turn myself into an exercise guru and return.
New Year
I had a relaxing Christmas in my home town and a fun new year with some friends I made last year.
I got back to London on Tuesday night and immediately felt exhausted the next day. I didn't sleep at all last night and ate crap food today so I feel shit. I went to a meeting last night which I enjoyed and went to my home group tonight and felt out of place.
There seems to be a bit of a clique now which I am not part of. There are also quite a few thin, glamrous well dressed women and I felt shit about my own body and my own clothes even though I spent a lot of money on a coat last month.
I am not fat but I did overindulge over christmas and I have not yet been able to get back to the weight I was when I was drinking and I ate being overweight, as I am not a tall person so it shows.
I just can't seem to stop the crappy food habits late at night and the puddings. I need a plan of action.
There are some really horrible photos of me on facebook where I look disgustingly ugly. I am not ugly though, it is just some photos are awful. UGGGG.
So, I feel shit about myself today. I have days where I think I am quite attractive and then I see a photo and think what was I thinking.
I want to swim, run outside, play squash and tennis, do yoga and meditation and I keep saying I will do them and don't.
It's the lack of control I hate most about the chocolate etc.
I am toying with the idea of giving up sugar as other women in AA have done but do not have faith in myself that I would be able to do it.
I don't like living where I am at the moment. I want to feel settled somewhere. I just feel like I am lodging in a room and have to answer to people I hate sharing a house and I hate the fact that I can not see through my goals.
Hopefully, all this is because I am just tired.
I got back to London on Tuesday night and immediately felt exhausted the next day. I didn't sleep at all last night and ate crap food today so I feel shit. I went to a meeting last night which I enjoyed and went to my home group tonight and felt out of place.
There seems to be a bit of a clique now which I am not part of. There are also quite a few thin, glamrous well dressed women and I felt shit about my own body and my own clothes even though I spent a lot of money on a coat last month.
I am not fat but I did overindulge over christmas and I have not yet been able to get back to the weight I was when I was drinking and I ate being overweight, as I am not a tall person so it shows.
I just can't seem to stop the crappy food habits late at night and the puddings. I need a plan of action.
There are some really horrible photos of me on facebook where I look disgustingly ugly. I am not ugly though, it is just some photos are awful. UGGGG.
So, I feel shit about myself today. I have days where I think I am quite attractive and then I see a photo and think what was I thinking.
I want to swim, run outside, play squash and tennis, do yoga and meditation and I keep saying I will do them and don't.
It's the lack of control I hate most about the chocolate etc.
I am toying with the idea of giving up sugar as other women in AA have done but do not have faith in myself that I would be able to do it.
I don't like living where I am at the moment. I want to feel settled somewhere. I just feel like I am lodging in a room and have to answer to people I hate sharing a house and I hate the fact that I can not see through my goals.
Hopefully, all this is because I am just tired.
Monday 12 November 2007
This and That
I have not been blogging for a month now, now sure why that is, went off it a bit, should start again really, guess I will when I feel like it. Been knackered all the time, which I think is part of the reason and also I have just been busy! This is a good sign, in early recovery I remember feeling that I would never really be part of life or have a life. How things change hey...
Had an opportunity come up which I postponed today and now I am really regretting it!!!!! Why do I do it. ARGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!
Had an opportunity come up which I postponed today and now I am really regretting it!!!!! Why do I do it. ARGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!
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