So much happens in recovery

Time sort of slows down and speeds up in recovery. So much seem to change in such a short period of time.

One of my loved ones relapsed. I used to feel only anger. Now I feel compassion and sadness, because I know it is borne of pain and that horrible ache of loneliness that only alcoholics know. Luckily the relapse seems to be nipped in the bud this time, but I can only prey it doesn't happen again. The true meaning of powerlessness and helplessness I now know.

I opened up about it in an AA meeting and was touched how people care. I have been trying so hard to share for the new comer that I forgot to open up and ask for help. When I did the hand of AA was there.

I had two cigarettes tonight and made a call to an old destructive flame (hung up before I spoke to him). There, I have admitted it. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. I don't feel good about it but tomorrow is a another day and it is a day at a time.

Am listening to the best of the Cure.

Yesterday I got so old I felt like I could die.
Yesterday I felt so old I felt Like I could cry.

I am very tired....

I love that line: Yesterday I felt so old I felt

Up my game

Wow, I can't believe it is May already. I seem to have lost my sense of urgency about changing everything. I have a feeling that things will change of their own accord.

My job is getting more difficult. I have been in this job for as long as I have been in recovery (nearly two years) so obviously I have changed a lot since then. Basically, I realised today that I need to up my game, I have been a bit passive at work; not really taking responsibility for my work. I now feel ready to start trusting my own judgments. Before I can do that however I have some revision to do! I can not longer loaf, daydream, email my female friends in AA about guys etc. I need to do some serious work.

Although I need to be careful, as I do have a tendency to not recognise my efforts. I have always worked hard. It's just this stage of my career is recognised as being a step up. What I have realised is that I just need to eat well, be alert, get a good nights rest in order to be at my best. I don't want to let myself down with lack of confidence in myself.

Feel hurt today. A friend of ten years or so has ignored both my email and phone message. I want to tell her she is a rude thoughtless b*tch, but I am not going to actually say that. Another friend seems to have 'dropped' me after taking me out for dinner the other day. Maybe it's my vibes I give off. That I don't really feel that I connect with them(yuk 'connect' is such a crap way to explain it). Maybe they sense it, or maybe I have done something to p*ss them off, or maybe it is nothing to do with me and more to do with them. Who knows. I am going to try to trust it is meant to me, although I still think she is a b*tch.

Doing Chairs

Nearly two years sober and went to the venue of my first ever meeting tonight to do a chair. Saw my name in the birthday book for 7 May 2005 and felt really proud of myself. Couple of people where there who I came into the fellowship around about the same time. One of them I think I had upset in my madness (during 'i hate men' rant) and the other I have not been particularly friendly to over the course of the last two years. Who can blame them for not falling over themselves to greet me.

I could see that they cared about me though, in their eyes and their hearts were warm I guess even though I can see that they were a bit wary of me.

What can I say? I HAVE been extremely moody/touchy/over sensitive/angry in my early recovery. BUT I am not going to be too hard on myself about that. I was extremely sad underneath it all and in a lot of pain. My heart felt like it had broken ( I know how that sounds, but it's true.

So the lesson: don't snap at others too much or you end up losing people.

Things I am grateful for today:

I am sober
I have not had a fag
No prescription drugs
No destructive/obsessive relationship
Went to work
Worked out at the gym
Had a lovely chocolate croissant
Public transport worked OK
boss away :-)
Tidy desk
Did a chair
My thank-you card from meeting:

"May the road rise with you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face
and the rains fall soft upon your fields
and, until we meet again
My god keep you in the hollow of your hand"

Yaking about old wounds doesn't help

Going over stuff over and over again (like these minor knock backs) doesn't help me to cultivate gratitude for the things I do have. It's just a way to talk about myself and self obsess and not think of the person I am talking to.

Less droning on about myself and more 'constant thought of others' and only then will I be following the AA instructions, until then prepared to be restless irritable and discontent...

Gratitude

I am sober today
I have not smoked today
I have not taken a prescribed antidepressant drug today

Supper out with my sister

It's spring time and feels like a new beginning
The sun is shining
Made it to the gym this morning before work

Asked the personal trainer how much he charges (been too scared to ask him before as felt to dumpy/found him attractive)

Had a productive day
Tidied my desk at work

Didn't moan as much as a normally do about myself when I met my sister

Newcomers in AA to call

Easing up?

I have felt alright over the past week or so; work is busy; things have changed around me which has shown me that things do change even when I stay in the same place. I have put on hold my desperate attempt to find a new job. Partly through sheer lack of motivation given my recent spat of rejections, partly due to lack of time (yes, my life is actually getting busier just like people AA said it would) and partly due to the fact that I have figured out ways to deal with some of the problems I had at work (mainly the paranoia thing) so it doesn't seem like such a disaster when I go in everyday.

I am also just feeling a bit better/stronger/content.

See, there are days when I feel good. The nun at the retreat I went on earlier in the year said that to me when I said I felt sad all the time. She pointed out that there were most probably times when I didn't feel sad. When you feel happiness, she said, really FEEL it to the tips of your fingers until it passes. I liked that.

Lashings of Gratitute

ANYWAY..looking on the brighter side of my day today (and recognising I am obsessed being rejected at this present moment in time and therefore obsessed with, yep, me again!) time to reflect on the good things that have happened today:

I worked hard at work/am working outside my comfort zone on more challenging things and therefore growing & developing (cf. day dreaming/fantasising)

I haven't had a drink today or for the past 23 months!!! (clearly there is a problem as this should have gone at the top of my list!?)

I have not had or thought of a cigarette today

I had a tango lesson with two guys whose company I enjoy who I met recently

I have broadened my social circle and have done it myself, using my own initiative and putting the action in to create a wider social circle (recognising I just did not feel comfortable around pr aa friends)

I went to a bar with new pals and then had McDonald's in central London at midnight. No thought of a drink and thoroughly enjoyed it! (cf. crying in the corner after numerous cans of Stella)

Found somewhere to live

Got plenty of money in my pocket

Invited out tomorrow for shopping with new girl acquaintances

Got invited to Salsa on Sunday night

Live in a thriving capital city and still have my life ahead of me

Have the fellowship of AA and opportunity to live a rich and useful life and a daily opportunity to be loving and kind

Found out the hot totty I met whilst on holiday apparently thinks I was fit!! (I won't be holding my breath on that one though, men are so fickle ;-)