Doing things properly v thinking you are doing them properly but not

Doing this project has really shown me how focused I can be and how sharp my mind can become IF I put my mind to it.

For the past couple of years my mind has been in a kind of foggy hazzy messy kind of state whereby I don't actually get much done and procrastinate and kid myself that I am doing stuff when I am actually only making a half arsed attempt.

Maybe this is part of getting older or maybe just not having devised enough strategies to get my butt out of bed and head out of the clouds/fantasy land

(yes, I still do that a bit "living in my head" as we call it in AA. I do this particularly when at work as I often feel lonely and will fantasize that I have a friend next to me or a handsome man when I leave the office to go to the bank. I need to find more constructive ways of dealing with and managing my feeling of isolation at work, but I digress...)

what was I saying......oh yes, basically I CAN do things when I put my mind to it, the problem is developing ways of putting my mind to it more often..suggestions welcome.

Things to be grateful for today: SOBER FOR OVER TWO YEARS :-), no fags today, doing a gratitude list today as not done one for weeks, nearly at end of my course, feeling settled where I live, rain, sunshine, supportive family, health, technology,nail varnish, one reader of my blog,tea, tea, coffee, coffee, coffee......

Seeing things through to the end

I have been ensconsed in my room for the past week putting in the action (and believe me it is a lot of action) necessary to complete a project that I first started in 2004. Needless to say I didn't complete it at the time and little did I know at that point that seven months later I was to wind up in AA.

So, anyway I never completed it. So, even though I have moaned, whinged and not actually given it my full attention (to be a subject of another posting) I am flying off to the other side of the Atlantic to complete the dam thing tomorrow morning.

Anyway, I have just stayed in my room and totally focused on this one thing and it is hard to believe that it is actually going to come to an end-this time next week it will be over.

I haven't really done ANYTHING towards my programme. That's inaccurate (part of my attempt to be more honest is to stope exaggerating) as I have spoken to sponsees and given one instructions on doing her step nine (a lot of doubt there-am I passing on what was passed onto me accurately?? I hope so)

Anyway, I feel alright and glad that I am seeing this through to the end.

YEAH!!!!!!!!

SOMEONE HAS READ MY BLOG

THANKS JOHNO........:-)

the facebook effect

OK so it's addictive but has the following effect:

Friend A has more friends than me;
Friend A used to be my friend and is friend with Friend B but is not friends with me
Friend B has mailed Friend C twice, but has not mailed me;
Friend C is having more fun than me;
Friend C is thinner than me and has more friends than me
My life is dull compared to Friend A, B and CS.
Must find more friends on here, dreg up old classmates who I didn't even like and put them on just so I look like I have lots of friends.

It's not a good site whilst working on self esteem issues but strangely addictive and brings out the competitiveness in me and need to be liked, to be seen to be successful and 'having it all' It's like the American dream that brought Willy Lomas or whatever his name was in that Arthur Miller Play to his death and like that fear of 'el que diran' in La Casa De Bernada Alba (Lorca) (from my Spanish A level days don't you know..)

Anyway so facebook isn't helping and I am more educated than I give myself credit for.

time flies

..it's nearly July. Doing Course so no blog posts, also not had the Internet as moved flat (wonders will never cease). For all those who have been waiting for next post with baited breath.hee hee. no one has read it apart from me :-) Rome wasn't built in a day. As my sponsor kept annoyingly but correctly kept saying to me. How right she was.
Grateful
Rain
Female housemates
sponsor
getting life in perspective
forgiving dad (when I say things that hurt)
having the opportunity to not say things that hurt to my dad and sister who I love more than anyone else in the world.
Knowing my mum for 55 years
Not feeling depressed
Hard work
Music
Eastenders
Mad women on eastenders
toffee

So much happens in recovery

Time sort of slows down and speeds up in recovery. So much seem to change in such a short period of time.

One of my loved ones relapsed. I used to feel only anger. Now I feel compassion and sadness, because I know it is borne of pain and that horrible ache of loneliness that only alcoholics know. Luckily the relapse seems to be nipped in the bud this time, but I can only prey it doesn't happen again. The true meaning of powerlessness and helplessness I now know.

I opened up about it in an AA meeting and was touched how people care. I have been trying so hard to share for the new comer that I forgot to open up and ask for help. When I did the hand of AA was there.

I had two cigarettes tonight and made a call to an old destructive flame (hung up before I spoke to him). There, I have admitted it. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. I don't feel good about it but tomorrow is a another day and it is a day at a time.

Am listening to the best of the Cure.

Yesterday I got so old I felt like I could die.
Yesterday I felt so old I felt Like I could cry.

I am very tired....

I love that line: Yesterday I felt so old I felt

Up my game

Wow, I can't believe it is May already. I seem to have lost my sense of urgency about changing everything. I have a feeling that things will change of their own accord.

My job is getting more difficult. I have been in this job for as long as I have been in recovery (nearly two years) so obviously I have changed a lot since then. Basically, I realised today that I need to up my game, I have been a bit passive at work; not really taking responsibility for my work. I now feel ready to start trusting my own judgments. Before I can do that however I have some revision to do! I can not longer loaf, daydream, email my female friends in AA about guys etc. I need to do some serious work.

Although I need to be careful, as I do have a tendency to not recognise my efforts. I have always worked hard. It's just this stage of my career is recognised as being a step up. What I have realised is that I just need to eat well, be alert, get a good nights rest in order to be at my best. I don't want to let myself down with lack of confidence in myself.

Feel hurt today. A friend of ten years or so has ignored both my email and phone message. I want to tell her she is a rude thoughtless b*tch, but I am not going to actually say that. Another friend seems to have 'dropped' me after taking me out for dinner the other day. Maybe it's my vibes I give off. That I don't really feel that I connect with them(yuk 'connect' is such a crap way to explain it). Maybe they sense it, or maybe I have done something to p*ss them off, or maybe it is nothing to do with me and more to do with them. Who knows. I am going to try to trust it is meant to me, although I still think she is a b*tch.