Just has I launch into Blogsphere, my lap top succombs to technical difficulties..It's been in the repair shop for the past week so I haven't been able to check out everyone's blogs and post comments. I am not rude, I just have technical problems so I can't blog very much, except by going to internet cafes after work and meetings which means not very much.
Hope to be back up and running soon...
Monday, 13 August 2007
Wednesday, 8 August 2007
Blogshpere
Is so cool, thanks Irish Friend of Bill for mentioning my blog and great to meet you all fellow bloggers. Comments and suggestions really very much appreciated.
Just come from a great meeting, I love it when people you haven't seen for ages comment on how much progress I have made, cause I can't see it sometimes.
I feel so much better today, this too shall pass and all that...
Being a bit negative minded I can see now that I wasn't 'seeing' the NEW friends that I have made over the past couple of years. I have been invited out to loads of BBQs, picnic, music concerts this summer by people I have met recently. I feel a bit faintly surprised when people invite me to things, like they must have made a mistake, but I guess some people do actually like me, which is really cool.
So even though life isn't how I think it should be (i.e I stay friends with the same group) it is still good as there are lots of people I see/email/speak to that make me laugh and feel wanted and feel happy.
It's made me think about the amount of effort I put into relationships; I am very passive; I wait to get invited to things rather than taking the initiate and inviting people to things that I organise. It's fear of rejection, but ultimately a bit self centered. SOOOOOO, I am organising something for next Saturday, I don't know what yet as I am a bit crappy at thinking of things to do at the moment, but I am going to do it. It's cool to be invited out to things.
Meetings are great for making you feel better..funny that..I always forget..bring your body and your mind will follow...!
Just come from a great meeting, I love it when people you haven't seen for ages comment on how much progress I have made, cause I can't see it sometimes.
I feel so much better today, this too shall pass and all that...
Being a bit negative minded I can see now that I wasn't 'seeing' the NEW friends that I have made over the past couple of years. I have been invited out to loads of BBQs, picnic, music concerts this summer by people I have met recently. I feel a bit faintly surprised when people invite me to things, like they must have made a mistake, but I guess some people do actually like me, which is really cool.
So even though life isn't how I think it should be (i.e I stay friends with the same group) it is still good as there are lots of people I see/email/speak to that make me laugh and feel wanted and feel happy.
It's made me think about the amount of effort I put into relationships; I am very passive; I wait to get invited to things rather than taking the initiate and inviting people to things that I organise. It's fear of rejection, but ultimately a bit self centered. SOOOOOO, I am organising something for next Saturday, I don't know what yet as I am a bit crappy at thinking of things to do at the moment, but I am going to do it. It's cool to be invited out to things.
Meetings are great for making you feel better..funny that..I always forget..bring your body and your mind will follow...!
Sunday, 5 August 2007
Friendship
When I was in very early days in AA I ended a friendship which was not working. I had always resented this woman as she is one of those people who seemed to breeze through life, good family life, never worked that hard but always got the better grades, always got the men and it seemed too painful to continue the freindship in recovery.
I made amends to her in step nine. The friedship didn't take off after that point, it is not one of those stories.
A friend of mine has recently done the same thing to me; she has not said it but she no longer asks me out and has, to all extents and purposes ditched me. I did, as I have learnt in AA, find out waht she was thinking by asking her if I had upset her and she said no, she was just very busy with her other friends and her new boyfriend.
So, she no longer sees a need for me in her life. That hurts.
Is this bad karma for me ending a friendship that was not working? Maybe I should have just forgiven my friend and not been so dramatic. Now the same thing is happening to me.
To be honest I still dont really get "we intuitively know how to handle situations tht previously baffaled us." There are still so many situations for which I really want an explanations/answer for which there seem to be none.
Given time maybe I will be more accepting about all this.
I made amends to her in step nine. The friedship didn't take off after that point, it is not one of those stories.
A friend of mine has recently done the same thing to me; she has not said it but she no longer asks me out and has, to all extents and purposes ditched me. I did, as I have learnt in AA, find out waht she was thinking by asking her if I had upset her and she said no, she was just very busy with her other friends and her new boyfriend.
So, she no longer sees a need for me in her life. That hurts.
Is this bad karma for me ending a friendship that was not working? Maybe I should have just forgiven my friend and not been so dramatic. Now the same thing is happening to me.
To be honest I still dont really get "we intuitively know how to handle situations tht previously baffaled us." There are still so many situations for which I really want an explanations/answer for which there seem to be none.
Given time maybe I will be more accepting about all this.
Negativity, Relationships and Change
I am customarily negative about most things in my life. I must have developed this way of thinking many years ago as it is deeply engrained and I struggle to change it. So, I was thinking about why I developed it and the answer I think is this: when I was younger I used to be so hopeful that
one day my mum really would give up smoking like she said she would, or my dad wouln't go on anthother bender or my dad really would suddennly get that job he always talked about getting.
Needless to say none of these things ever happened, so I must have decided that being postive and hopeful was wrong as it only led to disappointment.
Now this negativity is less useful, it doesn't really even work when I try to use it so that I don't become disappointed when the date I go on is rubbish or I dont get praised at work or I dont get that new job I wanted. I steill feel disappointed and rejected and I have noticed that most other people are so much more positive than I am and I feel so drained feeling so angry and grumpy and negative.
I am trying to cultivate more open mindedness in my life at the moment, but as usualy it's simple but not easy.
one day my mum really would give up smoking like she said she would, or my dad wouln't go on anthother bender or my dad really would suddennly get that job he always talked about getting.
Needless to say none of these things ever happened, so I must have decided that being postive and hopeful was wrong as it only led to disappointment.
Now this negativity is less useful, it doesn't really even work when I try to use it so that I don't become disappointed when the date I go on is rubbish or I dont get praised at work or I dont get that new job I wanted. I steill feel disappointed and rejected and I have noticed that most other people are so much more positive than I am and I feel so drained feeling so angry and grumpy and negative.
I am trying to cultivate more open mindedness in my life at the moment, but as usualy it's simple but not easy.
Tuesday, 24 July 2007
Sobriety/Getting Fat-is one the corollary of the other?
I genuinely thought before I arrived in AA that everyone would be thin. So obsessed was I with my weight and being slightly body dismorphic (I look back at photos and I was soooooo thin) that I was convined at that point that weight issues and unrequited love were my only issues (how wrong I was).
Anyway, the point is I am fatter now than I was in my drinking days.
Maybe this is because my body is going through some sort of relaxations through the process of healing. I held so much tension in my body that I was not even aware of. The tension over the last few months has been rising up through my body and dissipates in my chest and sometimes reaches up to my throat and feels like it is going to erupt out of my mouth. I also get really powerful waves of pure anger rising up through my body, they are like pure sheets of white engery...sounds strange but that is what they feel like. It feels like these are repressed emotions that are coming up for air.
The point is that I am fatter than I want to be and blow me down it is not the stella that is causint it as I don't drink stella anymore or any alcohol for that matter. Maybe is the buffalo chickent and fries.
I don't operate effectively when I am sluggish and putting crap food into my body; I am not being as useful to others as I could potentially be if I were operating as a finley tuned machine so this is my focus from now on.
It might help me attract a few more members of the opposite sex too....
Anyway, the point is I am fatter now than I was in my drinking days.
Maybe this is because my body is going through some sort of relaxations through the process of healing. I held so much tension in my body that I was not even aware of. The tension over the last few months has been rising up through my body and dissipates in my chest and sometimes reaches up to my throat and feels like it is going to erupt out of my mouth. I also get really powerful waves of pure anger rising up through my body, they are like pure sheets of white engery...sounds strange but that is what they feel like. It feels like these are repressed emotions that are coming up for air.
The point is that I am fatter than I want to be and blow me down it is not the stella that is causint it as I don't drink stella anymore or any alcohol for that matter. Maybe is the buffalo chickent and fries.
I don't operate effectively when I am sluggish and putting crap food into my body; I am not being as useful to others as I could potentially be if I were operating as a finley tuned machine so this is my focus from now on.
It might help me attract a few more members of the opposite sex too....
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems
I have come to the conclusion that life is easier for men. They can age and get fat yet still attract the most fair, beautiful members of the opposite sex. This is not fair. Life is not fair and I need to accept that fact, specifically in relation to this gender inbalance in life. Maybe I am wrong about this, but as far as I can make out from my observations about life the world revolves around sex.
This conclusion has been brought about by the recent spat of babies at my office, at weddings were my contemporaries are currently to be found and the fact that there are just SO MANY people in the world.
Due to my lack of close contact with the opposite sex during my two years or so abstinent from alcohol my perceptions as to the frequency with which other people (or EVERY ONE ELSE EXCEPT ME as the thought actually runs in my head) are having sex are heightened, perhaps unusually so. Every person that I see is the result of two people having lots of pleasurable and thorougly enjoying acts of making love.
During my recent musings as to the purpose of life it seems that one such purpose is to pro create i.e have lots of sex. This is the purpose of life and yet I am not furthering this purpose at all. Perhaps this is why I feel so purposeless in life, like a leave driting in the wind with no descernable aim.
So the world revolves around sex and men are able to get more of it, they get hurt less when they shag around and have no risk of unwanted pregnancies. Women become spent as soon as they get a bit chubby/matronly/grey.
This is a fact. I am past being convinced that it is not. The world favours the young and the beautiful. Accepting this fact is painful, but it is the answer.
This conclusion has been brought about by the recent spat of babies at my office, at weddings were my contemporaries are currently to be found and the fact that there are just SO MANY people in the world.
Due to my lack of close contact with the opposite sex during my two years or so abstinent from alcohol my perceptions as to the frequency with which other people (or EVERY ONE ELSE EXCEPT ME as the thought actually runs in my head) are having sex are heightened, perhaps unusually so. Every person that I see is the result of two people having lots of pleasurable and thorougly enjoying acts of making love.
During my recent musings as to the purpose of life it seems that one such purpose is to pro create i.e have lots of sex. This is the purpose of life and yet I am not furthering this purpose at all. Perhaps this is why I feel so purposeless in life, like a leave driting in the wind with no descernable aim.
So the world revolves around sex and men are able to get more of it, they get hurt less when they shag around and have no risk of unwanted pregnancies. Women become spent as soon as they get a bit chubby/matronly/grey.
This is a fact. I am past being convinced that it is not. The world favours the young and the beautiful. Accepting this fact is painful, but it is the answer.
Monday, 23 July 2007
Buffalo wings and fries
I can't believe I have just ordered that, that's what I like about recovery/life, so many good intentions...
Step away from the bar
Gratitute: friendly staff, buffalo wings and fries, wifi, sobriety, not smoking even at times of extreme stree, caffeine, american mock court room tv shows (there are, like, soooo many), stretching, pillows, rain, sweets and e numbers.
Step away from the bar
Gratitute: friendly staff, buffalo wings and fries, wifi, sobriety, not smoking even at times of extreme stree, caffeine, american mock court room tv shows (there are, like, soooo many), stretching, pillows, rain, sweets and e numbers.
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