Whatever group I am in, whether I be at work, in my homegroups in AA, with old friends with new friends, I always feel like I do not belong, that they don't like me and that other people's relationships are deeper/better/stronger/closer than the ones I have with people. I get very jealous around female friends who are close to one another. I feel left out. I want the attention.
I heard it said yesterday at some step 11 stuff I was attending, that life is all about relationships with other people. This is the one thing I find MOST difficult. UGGG.
This may be my conditioning "my stuff" or it may be true; maybe I am not able to form relationships very easily or be at ease with other people like some people are able to. Maybe this is an area I need to work on. It is a very old, repetitive, boring pattern of mine (the feeling of being left out/on the outskirts/loneliness even in a group of so called friends) and applies WHEREVER I am, so maybe it IS my head, or maybe it isn't...
It has also recently struck me that there have been a couple of guys who really liked me and I just pushed them away. It is only now that I see how nice they were, how kind they were to me, how much they liked me. But no, I wasted the opportunities because I was obsessed with someone who was not interested. UGGGG. what a waste. Now they are gone..in new relationships...and I am kicking myself. I sabotage good things, or used to anyway..I hope I am more able to see a good thing when it comes my way...
Still, what's for you won't go by you. Thy will be done.
I saw an old uni friend today. I have come away thinking is this what life is like?
People competing against each other to have a relationship, a house, a car, a good holiday, a good job..is this what people do ALL the time for ALL their lives compare, compare and hope to find people they compare favourably too??
One upmanship??
If it's not the house or the guy, it'll be what school you get your kids into....and so it goes on.
I hope not.
What I am saying is that society appears to be so shallow. Is friendship not friendship anymore?? Is it all just compare.
I am sure there were times when things weren't so serious, times when I have forgotten myself and just laughed or was silly...
I hope there will be more of those times to come.
So many questions about life....so few answers at the moment..
Thursday, 11 October 2007
Tuesday, 9 October 2007
Ambivalent
About blogging at the moment. I am not sure I want to spill my heart out on the net. Dunno. Some of the comments I get on here piss me off. I don't necessarily want advice or to be told how shit I am all the time. It's turned into another addiction. I get a hit when I get comments, but then can become a bit glum when I don't.
I am sick and tired of being emotionally dependant on other people. Sick and tired of it. I am on the starting line though, I can feel it.
I am frustrated. The answers are within me, I just need to be still and find out what they are.
I feel like flying away. I want to be in the fresh air and to feel alive. I want to feel free.
My life here in London is so relentless. I am tired and feel a knot of anxiety most of the time, in my chest. I want to enjoy it. I WILL enjoy it and I WILL be happy.
I am praying to my higher power to help me to decide whether to stay in London or move back to my home city. I feel the need to be settled somewhere. I think this is known as "nesting" I am praying to be shown what steps to take next in my career/my living situation. No answers have yet been revealed. I feel STUCK.
I am handing it over. I still don't really understand what that means, to me it just means giving up trying to figure out the solution and having faith that I will be divinely inspired. Really though I don't expect to be, my higher power is still in my mind "punishing"and I am telling him what I think about that.
I do have some faith, otherwise I would have stopped going to AA a long time ago. Give time time.
Saw an old friend today, well a colleague I used to hang out with. I was good friends with her, but very good friends with a mutual friend of ours. I found out today she is engaged. We used to be so close and now I am not on her radar. We have drifted apart. Now they are close and both have partners. I feel left behind.
This seems to be happening such a lot, my old friends no longer friends. Did some research on the net and this seems to be part of life. It's sad though. I miss some of them.
Putting life "on hold" whilst recovering in AA is not really like that, as people move on on the outside, they get on with their lives. People don't wait around.
I recognised my habitual reaction of "nobody likes me" "see my fears came true they didn't like me after all" and tried just to think, well friendships do change and they do, unfortunately end. Like this one has.
It seems to be happening all the time; i hear of friends falling in love, settling down, buying property. It doesn't even upset me as much anymore. My higher power seems to want it to be that way, seems to want me to stay stuck.
I feel like punching something very hard. Or stamping on something-like my mobile phone for example...it is such a piece of useless crap. The more high tech they are the more they go wrong.
Thank god for AA meetings, group consciounces always amuse me.
Thank god also for
porridge (with maple syup)
the gym
baked potatoes
red bush tea
RAIN-I love it when it rains in London :-)
I am sober today
I am alive
I am young
I live in a lively city
I think I will book myself a holiday somewhere hot.
I am sick and tired of being emotionally dependant on other people. Sick and tired of it. I am on the starting line though, I can feel it.
I am frustrated. The answers are within me, I just need to be still and find out what they are.
I feel like flying away. I want to be in the fresh air and to feel alive. I want to feel free.
My life here in London is so relentless. I am tired and feel a knot of anxiety most of the time, in my chest. I want to enjoy it. I WILL enjoy it and I WILL be happy.
I am praying to my higher power to help me to decide whether to stay in London or move back to my home city. I feel the need to be settled somewhere. I think this is known as "nesting" I am praying to be shown what steps to take next in my career/my living situation. No answers have yet been revealed. I feel STUCK.
I am handing it over. I still don't really understand what that means, to me it just means giving up trying to figure out the solution and having faith that I will be divinely inspired. Really though I don't expect to be, my higher power is still in my mind "punishing"and I am telling him what I think about that.
I do have some faith, otherwise I would have stopped going to AA a long time ago. Give time time.
Saw an old friend today, well a colleague I used to hang out with. I was good friends with her, but very good friends with a mutual friend of ours. I found out today she is engaged. We used to be so close and now I am not on her radar. We have drifted apart. Now they are close and both have partners. I feel left behind.
This seems to be happening such a lot, my old friends no longer friends. Did some research on the net and this seems to be part of life. It's sad though. I miss some of them.
Putting life "on hold" whilst recovering in AA is not really like that, as people move on on the outside, they get on with their lives. People don't wait around.
I recognised my habitual reaction of "nobody likes me" "see my fears came true they didn't like me after all" and tried just to think, well friendships do change and they do, unfortunately end. Like this one has.
It seems to be happening all the time; i hear of friends falling in love, settling down, buying property. It doesn't even upset me as much anymore. My higher power seems to want it to be that way, seems to want me to stay stuck.
I feel like punching something very hard. Or stamping on something-like my mobile phone for example...it is such a piece of useless crap. The more high tech they are the more they go wrong.
Thank god for AA meetings, group consciounces always amuse me.
Thank god also for
porridge (with maple syup)
the gym
baked potatoes
red bush tea
RAIN-I love it when it rains in London :-)
I am sober today
I am alive
I am young
I live in a lively city
I think I will book myself a holiday somewhere hot.
Thursday, 4 October 2007
Indecsion
"We intuitively know how to handle situations that previously baffled us"
Indecision: buy this flat/don't buy this flat.
Go to this party/don't got to this party
No one has the answers, they can only guide and no one is always right or right most of the time even.
People you think have the answers don't necessarily and people who sound very compelling are often wrong.
Taking Risks
Is life all just about luck??
Why do some suffer more than others?
Why am I so indecisive........??
A lot of questions.
I still feel that some people in my home group don't like me. Maybe they don't. but why do I care so much??
Why do the same things bug me over and over again?
I don't think there are any answers really
Do the right thing and the right thing happens?? But how does this apply to chosing between two innocuous options??
Too much thinking.
Indecision: buy this flat/don't buy this flat.
Go to this party/don't got to this party
No one has the answers, they can only guide and no one is always right or right most of the time even.
People you think have the answers don't necessarily and people who sound very compelling are often wrong.
Taking Risks
Is life all just about luck??
Why do some suffer more than others?
Why am I so indecisive........??
A lot of questions.
I still feel that some people in my home group don't like me. Maybe they don't. but why do I care so much??
Why do the same things bug me over and over again?
I don't think there are any answers really
Do the right thing and the right thing happens?? But how does this apply to chosing between two innocuous options??
Too much thinking.
Tuesday, 2 October 2007
Party
There is one coming up in my home city and I am totally stressed about it. It's the 30th birthday of my three friends I went to school/sixth form college with. One of then I cut contact with because the friendship wasn't really working anymore, she made some mistakes and I was very envious of her life as she is one of those people who seems to glide through it. I was also jealous of all the men she attracted, as she is essentially very comfortable in her own skin.
They will all be there and the whole thing presses all my buttons; they are having their party together (their birthdays fall in October, mine in February) so I feel excluded and that they don't want me there.
The friend I cut contact with (who I recently emailed after over a year of no contact to say hi) is friends with a couple who knows an ex-love of mine, who I was obsessed with for many years.
I also feel ashamed of myself for breaking down and these friends were there when it happened. I don't feel as close to them anymore and I feel as though it is "them and us". I behaved in a very mad way around the guy I was obsessed with and I know he and his friends laughed at me at the time, saying I was mad.
If I don't go I will feel like a loser and if I do go I know I will find it difficult seeing.
I have the option of going away for the weekend with a new group I've joined that weekend and have told them I have already booked my ticket (which is not true) so may not be able to go to the party anyway.
Plus I don't think they really want me there anyway, I have been obsessive and moaned a lot for the past two years.
I have known these people for 12 years yet this is really playing on my mind. I know the solution (pray and step 10) I am just wondering if anyone else ever feels like this.
I suppose it is pride really, I feel they all look down on me and don't want me there. Plus I know I will find seeing friends of that guy, and he might even be there.
On the other hand maybe it will be good for me to face them all and just try and increase the joy of the occasion.
Don't know what to do. If I don't go I will feel like I have missed out....on opportunity to show everyone I am better than I was??
They will all be there and the whole thing presses all my buttons; they are having their party together (their birthdays fall in October, mine in February) so I feel excluded and that they don't want me there.
The friend I cut contact with (who I recently emailed after over a year of no contact to say hi) is friends with a couple who knows an ex-love of mine, who I was obsessed with for many years.
I also feel ashamed of myself for breaking down and these friends were there when it happened. I don't feel as close to them anymore and I feel as though it is "them and us". I behaved in a very mad way around the guy I was obsessed with and I know he and his friends laughed at me at the time, saying I was mad.
If I don't go I will feel like a loser and if I do go I know I will find it difficult seeing.
I have the option of going away for the weekend with a new group I've joined that weekend and have told them I have already booked my ticket (which is not true) so may not be able to go to the party anyway.
Plus I don't think they really want me there anyway, I have been obsessive and moaned a lot for the past two years.
I have known these people for 12 years yet this is really playing on my mind. I know the solution (pray and step 10) I am just wondering if anyone else ever feels like this.
I suppose it is pride really, I feel they all look down on me and don't want me there. Plus I know I will find seeing friends of that guy, and he might even be there.
On the other hand maybe it will be good for me to face them all and just try and increase the joy of the occasion.
Don't know what to do. If I don't go I will feel like I have missed out....on opportunity to show everyone I am better than I was??
Tuesday, 25 September 2007
Denial-It's Not a River in Egypt!!
I did a chair tonight at my home group and it struck me when listening to some of the sharing back that I had focused the entirety of my share of alcoholism on my dad's alcoholism not my own!!! I had never really appreciated that I had done that before.
I get so frustrated with HIM when he focuses on drinking patterns of his alcoholic friend, but I am doing exactly the same thing by focusing on HIS alcoholism and not MY OWN.
It's like I "got" step one on an emotional and mental level but I am still firmly entrenched in denial about my own drinking habits. Sure, they did not progress to the extent that some have known, but they were dangerous, out of control. I do not mean by this that I still have an obsession to drink because I absolutely know that I do not. That obsession left me very early on in my time in AA.
I can only clear my side of the street. I have tried to make my dad go to AA, go to Al annon, read the Big Book but he won't. His denial is too thick. I am completely powerless over this and think I may have reached the point of "throwing in the towel" on that issue.
(Reminds me of one of those AA sayings I heard fro the first time the other day "Throwing in the towel, but holding onto the corner" Hehee I liked that one)
As my sponsor said to me when he had his last bender, I am NOT that important and DO NOT make him drink (although this was a line he used to take when I was younger, bless his heart) or CAUSE him to drink. I simply do not have that much power. There is a god and I am not it. That does not mean that I do not continue to try to be the best daughter I can be, despite my frustrations with him and, anger. I am trying to cultivate compassion here and have made progress, but this is a tough one. Still, it's doable I am sure!!
I will check out Adult Children of Alcoholics soon...when I have some more time!!!
I also seem to have more acceptance around the fact that it's taking me a bit of time to catch up with my non alcoholic peers. I have a long way to go in terms of my ability to form relationships and to trust and to make friendships, but I will get there in the end.....
As one of my sponsors used to say when I asked HOW...it takes HARD LABOUR..:-) For me, this is about trying to suspend my disbelief when people say there lives keep getting better and better the more they practice these principles in all their affairs (and not throwing so many tantrums :-))
Goos luck to those of you embarking on those legal courses/new term. You know who you are.
I get so frustrated with HIM when he focuses on drinking patterns of his alcoholic friend, but I am doing exactly the same thing by focusing on HIS alcoholism and not MY OWN.
It's like I "got" step one on an emotional and mental level but I am still firmly entrenched in denial about my own drinking habits. Sure, they did not progress to the extent that some have known, but they were dangerous, out of control. I do not mean by this that I still have an obsession to drink because I absolutely know that I do not. That obsession left me very early on in my time in AA.
I can only clear my side of the street. I have tried to make my dad go to AA, go to Al annon, read the Big Book but he won't. His denial is too thick. I am completely powerless over this and think I may have reached the point of "throwing in the towel" on that issue.
(Reminds me of one of those AA sayings I heard fro the first time the other day "Throwing in the towel, but holding onto the corner" Hehee I liked that one)
As my sponsor said to me when he had his last bender, I am NOT that important and DO NOT make him drink (although this was a line he used to take when I was younger, bless his heart) or CAUSE him to drink. I simply do not have that much power. There is a god and I am not it. That does not mean that I do not continue to try to be the best daughter I can be, despite my frustrations with him and, anger. I am trying to cultivate compassion here and have made progress, but this is a tough one. Still, it's doable I am sure!!
I will check out Adult Children of Alcoholics soon...when I have some more time!!!
I also seem to have more acceptance around the fact that it's taking me a bit of time to catch up with my non alcoholic peers. I have a long way to go in terms of my ability to form relationships and to trust and to make friendships, but I will get there in the end.....
As one of my sponsors used to say when I asked HOW...it takes HARD LABOUR..:-) For me, this is about trying to suspend my disbelief when people say there lives keep getting better and better the more they practice these principles in all their affairs (and not throwing so many tantrums :-))
Goos luck to those of you embarking on those legal courses/new term. You know who you are.
Saturday, 22 September 2007
Fear
I think this plays a big part in my life at the moment; fear of change and actually becoming a mature, responsible woman.
Fear of striking up friendships in case they go wrong. Fear of getting close...to anyone really. Fear of changing. Fear of what I will be like if I stop being so resentful. Fear of feeling sad. Fear of all sorts of things.
Fear of working the programme in all my affairs in case it doesn't work for me. Fear of my dad growing old. Fear of not changing. Fear of being kind and generous. Fear of being good at my job. Fear of being friendless. Fear that my heart has turned to stone. Fear that I am mean spirited. Fear that I will be left behind.
At the same time, I am sick and tired of:
Being a victim
Being negative
Not trusting anyone
Thinking other people are lying/are shit/don't like me/don't want me around
Thinking I am shit at everything
Thinking I don't deserve to be happy
Not enjoying life to the full!!
Striving so hard that I make myself physically burn out
Feeling so anxious my chest feels like it has a ball of tension stuck inside it
Trying to figure stuff out on my own
Thinking I am special and different
Thinking God hates me
Not being the best daughter or sister I can be
Feeling left behind in AA
Losing perspective; not seeing the good
Being how I am at the moment!!!
Fear of striking up friendships in case they go wrong. Fear of getting close...to anyone really. Fear of changing. Fear of what I will be like if I stop being so resentful. Fear of feeling sad. Fear of all sorts of things.
Fear of working the programme in all my affairs in case it doesn't work for me. Fear of my dad growing old. Fear of not changing. Fear of being kind and generous. Fear of being good at my job. Fear of being friendless. Fear that my heart has turned to stone. Fear that I am mean spirited. Fear that I will be left behind.
At the same time, I am sick and tired of:
Being a victim
Being negative
Not trusting anyone
Thinking other people are lying/are shit/don't like me/don't want me around
Thinking I am shit at everything
Thinking I don't deserve to be happy
Not enjoying life to the full!!
Striving so hard that I make myself physically burn out
Feeling so anxious my chest feels like it has a ball of tension stuck inside it
Trying to figure stuff out on my own
Thinking I am special and different
Thinking God hates me
Not being the best daughter or sister I can be
Feeling left behind in AA
Losing perspective; not seeing the good
Being how I am at the moment!!!
Thursday, 20 September 2007
Weary but Still trudging the road of happy destiny..
I feel that I have come through something recently. Something has shifted. I was resisting and trying so hard to make things go my way that it just got too painful and I have let go. I have become more teachable.
There have been very clear turning points in my recovery so far. When I first got step one on a certain level, then had another step one moment on a slightly different level.
There have been many step one moments not just with alcohol but in many different areas of my life. About my destructive relationships with men, about the reality of my childhood and the suffering my parents experienced. About my work, about my mental health, about my physical appearance, about my habits around food and caffeine. I expect I will continue to have these. I have heard these moments of clarity described variously as
The scales falling from your eyes
"Spinach in teeth" moments (often accompanied by a gasp of "how could I have thought that/god was I really like that/how could I not have seen that)
Shedding skins
Peeling the layers off an onion
It's all about self discovery and awareness really...
Just now, I am weary. A little jaded. I intend to slow down a little. Make sleep and diet a priority. Strive for excellence in those areas; go to any lengths. I am running on a half a cylinder and I am not prepared to accept that as being good enough anymore. I didn't stop drinking so I could feel tired and sluggish all the time. I want to feel good about my body and what I put into it.
If you want self esteem do esteemable things.
Little things get to me when I am tired.
Like my housemate saying she intends to watch the rugby tomorrow night when she knows my dad is coming to visit. Like the fact that she is always in and I am always out and about and she can't even allow me some time in the house alone with my dad. It's so thoughtless. I am thoughtless too I know I know. I find it so frustrating that she just doesn't go out. Need to take inventory on that, something in me that is triggered by that..need to get to the bottom of it.
When she asked "does your dad like rugby" I said "I don't know", when in fact what I wanted to say was "actually he is not a big fan and I would quite like to have some time in the sitting room with him and my sister, as I rarely get to use the sitting room or have any time to myself in it"
Now I have a resentment against her and she is living in my head rent free. It's like I assume her interest in watching the rugby naturally takes precedence over my right to have some time in a sitting room that I pay rent to use, as she does regularly and I don't.
I feel so uncomfortable being a spineless doormat these days. Yet knowing when I am being one and trying to balance that with being of maximum helpfulness to others, which is what the programme asks of us, is a tough call, one that can only be worked out on a case by case basis.
I have had a good day today, all in, a long running piece of work came to a successful conclusion today and I enjoyed the final negotiations. Job done. Caught the tail end of a meeting too and saw some newcomers filled with hope, which is always good to see. :-)
There have been very clear turning points in my recovery so far. When I first got step one on a certain level, then had another step one moment on a slightly different level.
There have been many step one moments not just with alcohol but in many different areas of my life. About my destructive relationships with men, about the reality of my childhood and the suffering my parents experienced. About my work, about my mental health, about my physical appearance, about my habits around food and caffeine. I expect I will continue to have these. I have heard these moments of clarity described variously as
The scales falling from your eyes
"Spinach in teeth" moments (often accompanied by a gasp of "how could I have thought that/god was I really like that/how could I not have seen that)
Shedding skins
Peeling the layers off an onion
It's all about self discovery and awareness really...
Just now, I am weary. A little jaded. I intend to slow down a little. Make sleep and diet a priority. Strive for excellence in those areas; go to any lengths. I am running on a half a cylinder and I am not prepared to accept that as being good enough anymore. I didn't stop drinking so I could feel tired and sluggish all the time. I want to feel good about my body and what I put into it.
If you want self esteem do esteemable things.
Little things get to me when I am tired.
Like my housemate saying she intends to watch the rugby tomorrow night when she knows my dad is coming to visit. Like the fact that she is always in and I am always out and about and she can't even allow me some time in the house alone with my dad. It's so thoughtless. I am thoughtless too I know I know. I find it so frustrating that she just doesn't go out. Need to take inventory on that, something in me that is triggered by that..need to get to the bottom of it.
When she asked "does your dad like rugby" I said "I don't know", when in fact what I wanted to say was "actually he is not a big fan and I would quite like to have some time in the sitting room with him and my sister, as I rarely get to use the sitting room or have any time to myself in it"
Now I have a resentment against her and she is living in my head rent free. It's like I assume her interest in watching the rugby naturally takes precedence over my right to have some time in a sitting room that I pay rent to use, as she does regularly and I don't.
I feel so uncomfortable being a spineless doormat these days. Yet knowing when I am being one and trying to balance that with being of maximum helpfulness to others, which is what the programme asks of us, is a tough call, one that can only be worked out on a case by case basis.
I have had a good day today, all in, a long running piece of work came to a successful conclusion today and I enjoyed the final negotiations. Job done. Caught the tail end of a meeting too and saw some newcomers filled with hope, which is always good to see. :-)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)