Doing Chairs

Nearly two years sober and went to the venue of my first ever meeting tonight to do a chair. Saw my name in the birthday book for 7 May 2005 and felt really proud of myself. Couple of people where there who I came into the fellowship around about the same time. One of them I think I had upset in my madness (during 'i hate men' rant) and the other I have not been particularly friendly to over the course of the last two years. Who can blame them for not falling over themselves to greet me.

I could see that they cared about me though, in their eyes and their hearts were warm I guess even though I can see that they were a bit wary of me.

What can I say? I HAVE been extremely moody/touchy/over sensitive/angry in my early recovery. BUT I am not going to be too hard on myself about that. I was extremely sad underneath it all and in a lot of pain. My heart felt like it had broken ( I know how that sounds, but it's true.

So the lesson: don't snap at others too much or you end up losing people.

Things I am grateful for today:

I am sober
I have not had a fag
No prescription drugs
No destructive/obsessive relationship
Went to work
Worked out at the gym
Had a lovely chocolate croissant
Public transport worked OK
boss away :-)
Tidy desk
Did a chair
My thank-you card from meeting:

"May the road rise with you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face
and the rains fall soft upon your fields
and, until we meet again
My god keep you in the hollow of your hand"

Yaking about old wounds doesn't help

Going over stuff over and over again (like these minor knock backs) doesn't help me to cultivate gratitude for the things I do have. It's just a way to talk about myself and self obsess and not think of the person I am talking to.

Less droning on about myself and more 'constant thought of others' and only then will I be following the AA instructions, until then prepared to be restless irritable and discontent...

Gratitude

I am sober today
I have not smoked today
I have not taken a prescribed antidepressant drug today

Supper out with my sister

It's spring time and feels like a new beginning
The sun is shining
Made it to the gym this morning before work

Asked the personal trainer how much he charges (been too scared to ask him before as felt to dumpy/found him attractive)

Had a productive day
Tidied my desk at work

Didn't moan as much as a normally do about myself when I met my sister

Newcomers in AA to call

Easing up?

I have felt alright over the past week or so; work is busy; things have changed around me which has shown me that things do change even when I stay in the same place. I have put on hold my desperate attempt to find a new job. Partly through sheer lack of motivation given my recent spat of rejections, partly due to lack of time (yes, my life is actually getting busier just like people AA said it would) and partly due to the fact that I have figured out ways to deal with some of the problems I had at work (mainly the paranoia thing) so it doesn't seem like such a disaster when I go in everyday.

I am also just feeling a bit better/stronger/content.

See, there are days when I feel good. The nun at the retreat I went on earlier in the year said that to me when I said I felt sad all the time. She pointed out that there were most probably times when I didn't feel sad. When you feel happiness, she said, really FEEL it to the tips of your fingers until it passes. I liked that.

Lashings of Gratitute

ANYWAY..looking on the brighter side of my day today (and recognising I am obsessed being rejected at this present moment in time and therefore obsessed with, yep, me again!) time to reflect on the good things that have happened today:

I worked hard at work/am working outside my comfort zone on more challenging things and therefore growing & developing (cf. day dreaming/fantasising)

I haven't had a drink today or for the past 23 months!!! (clearly there is a problem as this should have gone at the top of my list!?)

I have not had or thought of a cigarette today

I had a tango lesson with two guys whose company I enjoy who I met recently

I have broadened my social circle and have done it myself, using my own initiative and putting the action in to create a wider social circle (recognising I just did not feel comfortable around pr aa friends)

I went to a bar with new pals and then had McDonald's in central London at midnight. No thought of a drink and thoroughly enjoyed it! (cf. crying in the corner after numerous cans of Stella)

Found somewhere to live

Got plenty of money in my pocket

Invited out tomorrow for shopping with new girl acquaintances

Got invited to Salsa on Sunday night

Live in a thriving capital city and still have my life ahead of me

Have the fellowship of AA and opportunity to live a rich and useful life and a daily opportunity to be loving and kind

Found out the hot totty I met whilst on holiday apparently thinks I was fit!! (I won't be holding my breath on that one though, men are so fickle ;-)

It doesn't say Rejection is Part of Life ("but not part of yours")

So I am going to have to learn to deal with rejection. No choice.

Dealing with Rejection

I have been rejected twice recently by men during the dating game and to be honest I didn't feel too great about that.

The first rejection happened in Jan and I am just about over it now. Four months isn't too bad when I think about it. I have also accepted this for what it was: rejection. I was bitter about and still am a little, but I can I feel that it will pass. This is a vast improvement from the way I dealt with rejection whilst still drinking. I could not accept it, obsessed and fantasised about being with the rejector for two years whilst he simultaneously made it plain he was not interested in having a relationship.

What part of him not replying to any of my texts/calls/emails did I not understand??!! It's so humiliating to think of the denial I was in. It is also very freeing to acknowledge it and accept it.

I was a sick person getting well not a bad person getting good.

I also, very unusually, got an explanation from my January rejector. He explained that there was no point being bitter, and he correctly identified the fact that I liked him a bit more than he was able to give back (I could not RESIST interjecting at that point to say I didn't really find him that attractive anyway-hee hee-I just had to :-)) He thought I was a lovely person and a good looking girl. I asked why he asked me on a date if he knew he did not find me attractive and he said as above. He just thought it was not worth pursuing but wanted to stay friends as he genuinely thought I was a nice person. He also (and we know this already AA) cared about what I thought of him. He didn't want me to think he was a b*stard basically.

I tried to explain to him that he was chronically self centered and was only apologising/trying to smooth the waters because he wanted an easy life but he wasn't having that, it was best for both of us that I was not bitter. The denial that some people are in hey. ssheesh. :-)

Am I upset? Not really anymore, I know (from my experience of going through steps four and five) that it is futile to continue to resent him for something the poor man can not help: who he has feelings for/who he fancies etc. He was honest with me. He was drunk mind you when he said all this.

Did I give him hard time when he tried to make things up to me tonight? Yes, of course I bloody did. It's progress not perfection. I should have of course said 'no hard feelings; water under the bridge' but I didn't. Perfect is boring all the time, although I do aspire to it some of the time. I was indulging a little my immature streak.

Am I bored with obsessing about it? Yes.

Am I annoyed that no one is reading this god dam blog? YES.

Oh and my March rejector, well he just simply did not reply to my text saying I would love to see him again. Am I upset? A little. It is mostly pride though, I recognise that my step tens and step four (blimey I am finally able to recognise how much AA has helped me!!Astonishing!). Have I obsessed about it as much as I used to when I was drinking? No, I haven't. Has it made me suicidal/made me feel my life is not worth living/crushed me emotionally? No, not this time. It did when I was drinking. Is this progress? Do you know what? I finally think it is!!!

Next time I see January rejector I will, I suppose, call it quits. As for March rejector, I might try a little prayer :-)

What IS WRONG with me

I have just read some other Sober Blogs which were positive and about recovery.
Why am I so miserable and negative these past few weeks?

I don't know if it because I am not working my programme enough or I am stressed at work, pissed off because I have had a few interviews for new jobs which I just didn't get (I am really really embarrassed about that and just want to give up but cant because what is the alternative!!).

I just find everything in life so bloody difficult.

I do want to enjoy life but it is just not happening. Its got to come from me. Will have to make a decision about how much work I am prepared to put in.

Maybe all this stuff just takes time. I just don't know. Maybe I need a complete change of lifestyle.

I wish I had a wise old owl to talk to about all this. My sponsor doesn't really understand to be honest.

My chest feels like it is going to implode with all this tension.

And why the hell am I writing this blog if no one is reading it or leaving me comments. Booo hooo hooo. poor me poor me pour me a drink...........

Thoughts of an insomniac

I am really stressed at the moment. My job is stressful (or is this just because of my approach/working method. I have to move house and don't yet know where I am going to. I have just hit a milestone age and and wondering what the hell I am doing with my life/am I in the right job/why am I still single/why are all my colleagues my age married with kids big houses and I am still living in a shared house with people I don't know/when I earn as much as they do?/how I have I got to this age and not have friends to live with/do I have as many friends as other people?/why is my friend's parents meeting her finances parents this weekend/why do I not have both my parents/will my other parent still be alive when I meet someone/how is it that so many people fall into relationships/why are there so many couples on the tube/why do they all look so happy if so many people cheat/is there any point having a relationship?/the man will only cheat with a younger woman/why I have I arranged to go away for the Easter and not stay with my one remaining parent who might die and then I will regret not seeing him this weekend/i don't know how I have got to this age and be single/it's so sad that baby was born with Downs syndrome/that girl at work was in her head to day could tell she was not really there at lunch/reminded me of me when I was drinking/am I really an alcoholic or do I just go to AA because I need a fellowship/I wish I could have a beer in the sunshine/am I headed for relapse because I am not going to any lengths/why did I not make the most of the meeting this evening/why did I not stay for coffee when the one thing I needed was close contact with another human being/my colleague put me down at lunch/why did I not say something to him?/I wish I could respond more quickly/why are so many girls in the meeting better dressed than me when I earn more than them?/what have I got to show for working in a professional job-nothing. Rented accommodation, a few shabby items of clothes and that is it/why did I allow myself to get so tired that I have lost my mobile/why can't I sleep?/where am I going to live/why do so many people hate me/why can't I be as thin as I used to be/why cant I motivate myself to go to the bloody gym/why could I not look that cute guy in the eye at the meeting/i am hoping the other cute one I asked to do a chair the other week came back because of me/but it is bound to be because of my friend in aa who guys seem to fancy more than me/why do I always end up befriending girls who are more successful with men than me?/do men fancy me really/is this an attention seeking thing/why don't they come onto me then?

Step 5-Me on the other side this time

I have been in a foul mood. Just to balance out the misery and frustration i am currently experiencing, in order to practice honesty I must also relate my experience at the weekend. I spiritual experience...

Didnt go out and enjoy the sunshine at the weekend. Stayed in and listened to my sponsees' step five.

We haven't finished it yet, but it was a very powerful experience. To hear them describe the way they felt (lighter) remined me of my experience. I wish I could have held on to that feeling of lightness, like a sort empowerment.

"spiritual surgery" they used to call it in AA.

So I did that all day Sunday (one in the morning and one in the afternoon) and then I went and did a chair.

I felt FANTASTIC by the end of the day.

That feeling too, however, did pass.

Challenge negative thoughts-why bother!!

I tried to think positively about the situation I found myself in the other day (see previous posts "Nice Bloke sham about me" and "Altered Attitude and honesty") but, low and behold, I was right the first time. He wasn't in the slightest bit interested. He ingorned the message I sent him. I just give up on men. My higher power (which takes great delight in seeing me suffer) just clearly wants me to be single and alone for THE REST OF MY LIFE. He wants me to be happy, joyous and free. BULLSH*T. If it wants me to be alone and single for the rest of my life. SO BE IT. I will make sure I enjoy it anyway just to P*SS it off. Also, to really annoy this punishing higher power of mine I wont even mention it again. If that is your will for me. FINE.

If you don't like me YOU CAN F**K OFF

I am just bored of it. Thinking I am crap at everything. I am not, actually. I am good at some things and am just doing the best I can with what I have got.

I am sick of trying to make people like me. If they don't, who cares. I find astonishing that people who have been a long time round in recovery and who purportedly practise the principle of forgiveness and compassion, don't actually forgive those newer in recovery.

It makes me angry that I have felt so bad and thought that everything is my fault, when quite clearly those who have been round longer, are just as crap as we all are!

To think I put these people on a pedestal! I guess this is what they mean by 'more will be revealed to you and to us.'

Some of the people I initially looked up to in recovery are the most hypocrital. The most 'i am mr/mrs recovery' are usually the ones full of sh*t.

Yeah, and if you don't like me or my blog you can F**K OFF.