Valentines Day

I feel alright this year, usually I indulge in a bit of self pity this time of year as it's also my birthday. I decided to organise drinks but noone seems to be around. To be honest I organised it rather half heartedly as I actually find organising these things very uncomfortable and generally don't like it. Still too afraid to buck the trend, although I AM learning. There is also a bit of me however that wants to celebrate my birthday in style and feel let down that hardly any of my so called friends want to join me!

It really is amazing that I have not died an alcoholic death by now so I am incredibly grateful for that!

The reason trying to organise a night out for my birthday is difficult is becuase some people tend not to come. This year no one is around so I am going to cancel it. However, I don't want to indulge in self pity about it really. My bristol friends I knew would not come but I am slowly letting go of them.

My friendships have largely been based on what I can get not what I can give which is why these friendships I find particularly painful as I was a bit like a leech around them when I was very ill, trying to get approval, attention and well, some help, which of course they were unable to give, not being alchys themselves.

I find it painful whenever I have any contact with them. I think this is in recognition that deep down I know the friendships have run their course for me and for them I should imagine. I recognise this as a part of life now, that everything that begins also ends as the Budist practice emphasises.

Anyway, I plan to meet some girlfriends for a birthday lunch this sunday which I AM looking forward to and on my birthday, well instead of drinks I'lll do something else. Of course I am hurt and resent my friends who have known me for 10 years plus have made other plans on my birthay weekend but I think my view of friendship is changing.

I don't need to rely on them anymore as I have my higher power (SOME OF US HAVE TAKEN SOME VERY HARD KNOCKS TO LEARN THAT HAS LONG AS WE PLACE DEPENDANCE ON OTHER PEOPLE AHEAD OF DEPENDANCE ON GOD WE SIMPLY DO NOT STOP DRINKING or something like that anyway, don't have my big book to quote from verbatim)

Well, another lesson, don't expect to much of people, they will inevitably let you down at some point.

On the other hand I have lots of lovely people around me in London and am making lots of new friends along my journey in recovery. It's just I suppose a shift I am making; not to expect too much, not to rely so much.

I am getting slowly more self sufficient, I am getting better at planning ahead and arranging things to do for the weeeekends, booking the tickets, planning in advance etc etc.

Life is good!!!!!