Thursday 11 October 2007

Feeling Like I don't belong

Whatever group I am in, whether I be at work, in my homegroups in AA, with old friends with new friends, I always feel like I do not belong, that they don't like me and that other people's relationships are deeper/better/stronger/closer than the ones I have with people. I get very jealous around female friends who are close to one another. I feel left out. I want the attention.

I heard it said yesterday at some step 11 stuff I was attending, that life is all about relationships with other people. This is the one thing I find MOST difficult. UGGG.

This may be my conditioning "my stuff" or it may be true; maybe I am not able to form relationships very easily or be at ease with other people like some people are able to. Maybe this is an area I need to work on. It is a very old, repetitive, boring pattern of mine (the feeling of being left out/on the outskirts/loneliness even in a group of so called friends) and applies WHEREVER I am, so maybe it IS my head, or maybe it isn't...

It has also recently struck me that there have been a couple of guys who really liked me and I just pushed them away. It is only now that I see how nice they were, how kind they were to me, how much they liked me. But no, I wasted the opportunities because I was obsessed with someone who was not interested. UGGGG. what a waste. Now they are gone..in new relationships...and I am kicking myself. I sabotage good things, or used to anyway..I hope I am more able to see a good thing when it comes my way...

Still, what's for you won't go by you. Thy will be done.

I saw an old uni friend today. I have come away thinking is this what life is like?

People competing against each other to have a relationship, a house, a car, a good holiday, a good job..is this what people do ALL the time for ALL their lives compare, compare and hope to find people they compare favourably too??

One upmanship??

If it's not the house or the guy, it'll be what school you get your kids into....and so it goes on.

I hope not.

What I am saying is that society appears to be so shallow. Is friendship not friendship anymore?? Is it all just compare.

I am sure there were times when things weren't so serious, times when I have forgotten myself and just laughed or was silly...

I hope there will be more of those times to come.

So many questions about life....so few answers at the moment..

Tuesday 9 October 2007

Ambivalent

About blogging at the moment. I am not sure I want to spill my heart out on the net. Dunno. Some of the comments I get on here piss me off. I don't necessarily want advice or to be told how shit I am all the time. It's turned into another addiction. I get a hit when I get comments, but then can become a bit glum when I don't.

I am sick and tired of being emotionally dependant on other people. Sick and tired of it. I am on the starting line though, I can feel it.

I am frustrated. The answers are within me, I just need to be still and find out what they are.

I feel like flying away. I want to be in the fresh air and to feel alive. I want to feel free.

My life here in London is so relentless. I am tired and feel a knot of anxiety most of the time, in my chest. I want to enjoy it. I WILL enjoy it and I WILL be happy.

I am praying to my higher power to help me to decide whether to stay in London or move back to my home city. I feel the need to be settled somewhere. I think this is known as "nesting" I am praying to be shown what steps to take next in my career/my living situation. No answers have yet been revealed. I feel STUCK.

I am handing it over. I still don't really understand what that means, to me it just means giving up trying to figure out the solution and having faith that I will be divinely inspired. Really though I don't expect to be, my higher power is still in my mind "punishing"and I am telling him what I think about that.

I do have some faith, otherwise I would have stopped going to AA a long time ago. Give time time.

Saw an old friend today, well a colleague I used to hang out with. I was good friends with her, but very good friends with a mutual friend of ours. I found out today she is engaged. We used to be so close and now I am not on her radar. We have drifted apart. Now they are close and both have partners. I feel left behind.

This seems to be happening such a lot, my old friends no longer friends. Did some research on the net and this seems to be part of life. It's sad though. I miss some of them.

Putting life "on hold" whilst recovering in AA is not really like that, as people move on on the outside, they get on with their lives. People don't wait around.

I recognised my habitual reaction of "nobody likes me" "see my fears came true they didn't like me after all" and tried just to think, well friendships do change and they do, unfortunately end. Like this one has.

It seems to be happening all the time; i hear of friends falling in love, settling down, buying property. It doesn't even upset me as much anymore. My higher power seems to want it to be that way, seems to want me to stay stuck.

I feel like punching something very hard. Or stamping on something-like my mobile phone for example...it is such a piece of useless crap. The more high tech they are the more they go wrong.

Thank god for AA meetings, group consciounces always amuse me.

Thank god also for

porridge (with maple syup)
the gym
baked potatoes
red bush tea
RAIN-I love it when it rains in London :-)
I am sober today
I am alive
I am young
I live in a lively city

I think I will book myself a holiday somewhere hot.

Thursday 4 October 2007

Indecsion

"We intuitively know how to handle situations that previously baffled us"

Indecision: buy this flat/don't buy this flat.

Go to this party/don't got to this party

No one has the answers, they can only guide and no one is always right or right most of the time even.

People you think have the answers don't necessarily and people who sound very compelling are often wrong.

Taking Risks

Is life all just about luck??

Why do some suffer more than others?

Why am I so indecisive........??

A lot of questions.

I still feel that some people in my home group don't like me. Maybe they don't. but why do I care so much??

Why do the same things bug me over and over again?

I don't think there are any answers really

Do the right thing and the right thing happens?? But how does this apply to chosing between two innocuous options??

Too much thinking.

Tuesday 2 October 2007

Party

There is one coming up in my home city and I am totally stressed about it. It's the 30th birthday of my three friends I went to school/sixth form college with. One of then I cut contact with because the friendship wasn't really working anymore, she made some mistakes and I was very envious of her life as she is one of those people who seems to glide through it. I was also jealous of all the men she attracted, as she is essentially very comfortable in her own skin.

They will all be there and the whole thing presses all my buttons; they are having their party together (their birthdays fall in October, mine in February) so I feel excluded and that they don't want me there.

The friend I cut contact with (who I recently emailed after over a year of no contact to say hi) is friends with a couple who knows an ex-love of mine, who I was obsessed with for many years.

I also feel ashamed of myself for breaking down and these friends were there when it happened. I don't feel as close to them anymore and I feel as though it is "them and us". I behaved in a very mad way around the guy I was obsessed with and I know he and his friends laughed at me at the time, saying I was mad.

If I don't go I will feel like a loser and if I do go I know I will find it difficult seeing.

I have the option of going away for the weekend with a new group I've joined that weekend and have told them I have already booked my ticket (which is not true) so may not be able to go to the party anyway.

Plus I don't think they really want me there anyway, I have been obsessive and moaned a lot for the past two years.

I have known these people for 12 years yet this is really playing on my mind. I know the solution (pray and step 10) I am just wondering if anyone else ever feels like this.

I suppose it is pride really, I feel they all look down on me and don't want me there. Plus I know I will find seeing friends of that guy, and he might even be there.

On the other hand maybe it will be good for me to face them all and just try and increase the joy of the occasion.

Don't know what to do. If I don't go I will feel like I have missed out....on opportunity to show everyone I am better than I was??