Whatever group I am in, whether I be at work, in my homegroups in AA, with old friends with new friends, I always feel like I do not belong, that they don't like me and that other people's relationships are deeper/better/stronger/closer than the ones I have with people. I get very jealous around female friends who are close to one another. I feel left out. I want the attention.
I heard it said yesterday at some step 11 stuff I was attending, that life is all about relationships with other people. This is the one thing I find MOST difficult. UGGG.
This may be my conditioning "my stuff" or it may be true; maybe I am not able to form relationships very easily or be at ease with other people like some people are able to. Maybe this is an area I need to work on. It is a very old, repetitive, boring pattern of mine (the feeling of being left out/on the outskirts/loneliness even in a group of so called friends) and applies WHEREVER I am, so maybe it IS my head, or maybe it isn't...
It has also recently struck me that there have been a couple of guys who really liked me and I just pushed them away. It is only now that I see how nice they were, how kind they were to me, how much they liked me. But no, I wasted the opportunities because I was obsessed with someone who was not interested. UGGGG. what a waste. Now they are gone..in new relationships...and I am kicking myself. I sabotage good things, or used to anyway..I hope I am more able to see a good thing when it comes my way...
Still, what's for you won't go by you. Thy will be done.
I saw an old uni friend today. I have come away thinking is this what life is like?
People competing against each other to have a relationship, a house, a car, a good holiday, a good job..is this what people do ALL the time for ALL their lives compare, compare and hope to find people they compare favourably too??
One upmanship??
If it's not the house or the guy, it'll be what school you get your kids into....and so it goes on.
I hope not.
What I am saying is that society appears to be so shallow. Is friendship not friendship anymore?? Is it all just compare.
I am sure there were times when things weren't so serious, times when I have forgotten myself and just laughed or was silly...
I hope there will be more of those times to come.
So many questions about life....so few answers at the moment..
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
you are a member if you say you are
you are a friend until they say you aren't or you choose not to be
learning how to be a friend and maintaining a friendship is the first step in learning how to be intimate
intimacy isn't all about sex and bed
intimacy takes courage
intimacy occurs best in friendships
making new friends and maintaining them is character building stuff
allowing others to show their true VERY IMPERFECT self to you and showing your true VERY IMPERFECT self to them nad not running away or REJECTING, CRITISISING, JUDGING THEM is growing up stuff
I'VE HAD TO learn how to
forgive, trust, love, accept, openness, let go.
What are you looking for ?
P_ _ _ E _ _ _ O _?
Are you looking for someone that doesnt exist outside of your head?
This is no lecture, as happens with this stuff, all I am writing in this, someone has said to me or I have gained from experience when the inevitable I want a sh*g comes up, BUT it will all come around again, and I WILL need reminding of all this stuff at somepoint so PAY ATTENTION will ya? for my sakes!
well we are not exactly the same as ANYONE really. but neither are we different.
Tic nhat hanh says. 'Neither the same, nor different.'
Recognition of 'neither the same' can produce feelings of 'I dont belong', but its simply a recognition of our own uniqueness. We Are all 'together' but at the same time all 'alone'.
I think you should try a PROPER retreat somewhere. A heavy duty one like Goenke 10 day would be arduous and not 'appealing', as such, but you would leave having a MUCH clearer understanding of the enrergetic realm. These paradoxes and realizations would be more 'real' as such. Less confusing. One would ! begin to grasp the weirdness of it all.
http://www.dipa.dhamma.org/
you can go for free. donations only.
its not for pansies, but you would see another side of things.
I have a really hard time making friends with women. I am "around" a lot of women, but I dont really feel a part of. Sometimes I force myself to be a part of, and its a complete disaster.
I always feel like I am on the outside looking in, but that is partially my fault. I dont allow other women to really get to know me.
Hang in there!
K.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=sr_st/203-7850816-5175154?keywords=Bush+Ian+White&rs=1025612&page=1&rh=n%3A1025612%2Ck%3ABush+Ian+White&sort=-pubdate
bush flower stuff goes well with stp 11
Australian Bush Flower Essences by Ian White is good.
To steal a phrase from a friend that wrote to me lately: I "hear" you and you aren't alone.
I hear ya. I thought that I would feel comfortable at the lesbian group...given that I am a lesbian and all, but nope - I was ready to crawl out of my own skin!
STEP 3
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.
If you give your will to a “higher power”, how could you have the will to continue to control your will? And if you don’t have the will to control your will, and can’t control your will any longer, then how could you continue to place your will in the care of your “higher power”? What’s to stop you from accidentally “taking your will back” without meaning to do so?
Have you handed your will over to SATAN ? Were you sexually abused as a child ?
I, MICKY, AM A GIFT TO ALL PEOPLE
Post a Comment