Ambivalent

About blogging at the moment. I am not sure I want to spill my heart out on the net. Dunno. Some of the comments I get on here piss me off. I don't necessarily want advice or to be told how shit I am all the time. It's turned into another addiction. I get a hit when I get comments, but then can become a bit glum when I don't.

I am sick and tired of being emotionally dependant on other people. Sick and tired of it. I am on the starting line though, I can feel it.

I am frustrated. The answers are within me, I just need to be still and find out what they are.

I feel like flying away. I want to be in the fresh air and to feel alive. I want to feel free.

My life here in London is so relentless. I am tired and feel a knot of anxiety most of the time, in my chest. I want to enjoy it. I WILL enjoy it and I WILL be happy.

I am praying to my higher power to help me to decide whether to stay in London or move back to my home city. I feel the need to be settled somewhere. I think this is known as "nesting" I am praying to be shown what steps to take next in my career/my living situation. No answers have yet been revealed. I feel STUCK.

I am handing it over. I still don't really understand what that means, to me it just means giving up trying to figure out the solution and having faith that I will be divinely inspired. Really though I don't expect to be, my higher power is still in my mind "punishing"and I am telling him what I think about that.

I do have some faith, otherwise I would have stopped going to AA a long time ago. Give time time.

Saw an old friend today, well a colleague I used to hang out with. I was good friends with her, but very good friends with a mutual friend of ours. I found out today she is engaged. We used to be so close and now I am not on her radar. We have drifted apart. Now they are close and both have partners. I feel left behind.

This seems to be happening such a lot, my old friends no longer friends. Did some research on the net and this seems to be part of life. It's sad though. I miss some of them.

Putting life "on hold" whilst recovering in AA is not really like that, as people move on on the outside, they get on with their lives. People don't wait around.

I recognised my habitual reaction of "nobody likes me" "see my fears came true they didn't like me after all" and tried just to think, well friendships do change and they do, unfortunately end. Like this one has.

It seems to be happening all the time; i hear of friends falling in love, settling down, buying property. It doesn't even upset me as much anymore. My higher power seems to want it to be that way, seems to want me to stay stuck.

I feel like punching something very hard. Or stamping on something-like my mobile phone for example...it is such a piece of useless crap. The more high tech they are the more they go wrong.

Thank god for AA meetings, group consciounces always amuse me.

Thank god also for

porridge (with maple syup)
the gym
baked potatoes
red bush tea
RAIN-I love it when it rains in London :-)
I am sober today
I am alive
I am young
I live in a lively city

I think I will book myself a holiday somewhere hot.