This and That

I have not been blogging for a month now, now sure why that is, went off it a bit, should start again really, guess I will when I feel like it. Been knackered all the time, which I think is part of the reason and also I have just been busy! This is a good sign, in early recovery I remember feeling that I would never really be part of life or have a life. How things change hey...

Had an opportunity come up which I postponed today and now I am really regretting it!!!!! Why do I do it. ARGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!

Feeling Like I don't belong

Whatever group I am in, whether I be at work, in my homegroups in AA, with old friends with new friends, I always feel like I do not belong, that they don't like me and that other people's relationships are deeper/better/stronger/closer than the ones I have with people. I get very jealous around female friends who are close to one another. I feel left out. I want the attention.

I heard it said yesterday at some step 11 stuff I was attending, that life is all about relationships with other people. This is the one thing I find MOST difficult. UGGG.

This may be my conditioning "my stuff" or it may be true; maybe I am not able to form relationships very easily or be at ease with other people like some people are able to. Maybe this is an area I need to work on. It is a very old, repetitive, boring pattern of mine (the feeling of being left out/on the outskirts/loneliness even in a group of so called friends) and applies WHEREVER I am, so maybe it IS my head, or maybe it isn't...

It has also recently struck me that there have been a couple of guys who really liked me and I just pushed them away. It is only now that I see how nice they were, how kind they were to me, how much they liked me. But no, I wasted the opportunities because I was obsessed with someone who was not interested. UGGGG. what a waste. Now they are gone..in new relationships...and I am kicking myself. I sabotage good things, or used to anyway..I hope I am more able to see a good thing when it comes my way...

Still, what's for you won't go by you. Thy will be done.

I saw an old uni friend today. I have come away thinking is this what life is like?

People competing against each other to have a relationship, a house, a car, a good holiday, a good job..is this what people do ALL the time for ALL their lives compare, compare and hope to find people they compare favourably too??

One upmanship??

If it's not the house or the guy, it'll be what school you get your kids into....and so it goes on.

I hope not.

What I am saying is that society appears to be so shallow. Is friendship not friendship anymore?? Is it all just compare.

I am sure there were times when things weren't so serious, times when I have forgotten myself and just laughed or was silly...

I hope there will be more of those times to come.

So many questions about life....so few answers at the moment..

Ambivalent

About blogging at the moment. I am not sure I want to spill my heart out on the net. Dunno. Some of the comments I get on here piss me off. I don't necessarily want advice or to be told how shit I am all the time. It's turned into another addiction. I get a hit when I get comments, but then can become a bit glum when I don't.

I am sick and tired of being emotionally dependant on other people. Sick and tired of it. I am on the starting line though, I can feel it.

I am frustrated. The answers are within me, I just need to be still and find out what they are.

I feel like flying away. I want to be in the fresh air and to feel alive. I want to feel free.

My life here in London is so relentless. I am tired and feel a knot of anxiety most of the time, in my chest. I want to enjoy it. I WILL enjoy it and I WILL be happy.

I am praying to my higher power to help me to decide whether to stay in London or move back to my home city. I feel the need to be settled somewhere. I think this is known as "nesting" I am praying to be shown what steps to take next in my career/my living situation. No answers have yet been revealed. I feel STUCK.

I am handing it over. I still don't really understand what that means, to me it just means giving up trying to figure out the solution and having faith that I will be divinely inspired. Really though I don't expect to be, my higher power is still in my mind "punishing"and I am telling him what I think about that.

I do have some faith, otherwise I would have stopped going to AA a long time ago. Give time time.

Saw an old friend today, well a colleague I used to hang out with. I was good friends with her, but very good friends with a mutual friend of ours. I found out today she is engaged. We used to be so close and now I am not on her radar. We have drifted apart. Now they are close and both have partners. I feel left behind.

This seems to be happening such a lot, my old friends no longer friends. Did some research on the net and this seems to be part of life. It's sad though. I miss some of them.

Putting life "on hold" whilst recovering in AA is not really like that, as people move on on the outside, they get on with their lives. People don't wait around.

I recognised my habitual reaction of "nobody likes me" "see my fears came true they didn't like me after all" and tried just to think, well friendships do change and they do, unfortunately end. Like this one has.

It seems to be happening all the time; i hear of friends falling in love, settling down, buying property. It doesn't even upset me as much anymore. My higher power seems to want it to be that way, seems to want me to stay stuck.

I feel like punching something very hard. Or stamping on something-like my mobile phone for example...it is such a piece of useless crap. The more high tech they are the more they go wrong.

Thank god for AA meetings, group consciounces always amuse me.

Thank god also for

porridge (with maple syup)
the gym
baked potatoes
red bush tea
RAIN-I love it when it rains in London :-)
I am sober today
I am alive
I am young
I live in a lively city

I think I will book myself a holiday somewhere hot.

Indecsion

"We intuitively know how to handle situations that previously baffled us"

Indecision: buy this flat/don't buy this flat.

Go to this party/don't got to this party

No one has the answers, they can only guide and no one is always right or right most of the time even.

People you think have the answers don't necessarily and people who sound very compelling are often wrong.

Taking Risks

Is life all just about luck??

Why do some suffer more than others?

Why am I so indecisive........??

A lot of questions.

I still feel that some people in my home group don't like me. Maybe they don't. but why do I care so much??

Why do the same things bug me over and over again?

I don't think there are any answers really

Do the right thing and the right thing happens?? But how does this apply to chosing between two innocuous options??

Too much thinking.

Party

There is one coming up in my home city and I am totally stressed about it. It's the 30th birthday of my three friends I went to school/sixth form college with. One of then I cut contact with because the friendship wasn't really working anymore, she made some mistakes and I was very envious of her life as she is one of those people who seems to glide through it. I was also jealous of all the men she attracted, as she is essentially very comfortable in her own skin.

They will all be there and the whole thing presses all my buttons; they are having their party together (their birthdays fall in October, mine in February) so I feel excluded and that they don't want me there.

The friend I cut contact with (who I recently emailed after over a year of no contact to say hi) is friends with a couple who knows an ex-love of mine, who I was obsessed with for many years.

I also feel ashamed of myself for breaking down and these friends were there when it happened. I don't feel as close to them anymore and I feel as though it is "them and us". I behaved in a very mad way around the guy I was obsessed with and I know he and his friends laughed at me at the time, saying I was mad.

If I don't go I will feel like a loser and if I do go I know I will find it difficult seeing.

I have the option of going away for the weekend with a new group I've joined that weekend and have told them I have already booked my ticket (which is not true) so may not be able to go to the party anyway.

Plus I don't think they really want me there anyway, I have been obsessive and moaned a lot for the past two years.

I have known these people for 12 years yet this is really playing on my mind. I know the solution (pray and step 10) I am just wondering if anyone else ever feels like this.

I suppose it is pride really, I feel they all look down on me and don't want me there. Plus I know I will find seeing friends of that guy, and he might even be there.

On the other hand maybe it will be good for me to face them all and just try and increase the joy of the occasion.

Don't know what to do. If I don't go I will feel like I have missed out....on opportunity to show everyone I am better than I was??

Denial-It's Not a River in Egypt!!

I did a chair tonight at my home group and it struck me when listening to some of the sharing back that I had focused the entirety of my share of alcoholism on my dad's alcoholism not my own!!! I had never really appreciated that I had done that before.

I get so frustrated with HIM when he focuses on drinking patterns of his alcoholic friend, but I am doing exactly the same thing by focusing on HIS alcoholism and not MY OWN.

It's like I "got" step one on an emotional and mental level but I am still firmly entrenched in denial about my own drinking habits. Sure, they did not progress to the extent that some have known, but they were dangerous, out of control. I do not mean by this that I still have an obsession to drink because I absolutely know that I do not. That obsession left me very early on in my time in AA.

I can only clear my side of the street. I have tried to make my dad go to AA, go to Al annon, read the Big Book but he won't. His denial is too thick. I am completely powerless over this and think I may have reached the point of "throwing in the towel" on that issue.

(Reminds me of one of those AA sayings I heard fro the first time the other day "Throwing in the towel, but holding onto the corner" Hehee I liked that one)

As my sponsor said to me when he had his last bender, I am NOT that important and DO NOT make him drink (although this was a line he used to take when I was younger, bless his heart) or CAUSE him to drink. I simply do not have that much power. There is a god and I am not it. That does not mean that I do not continue to try to be the best daughter I can be, despite my frustrations with him and, anger. I am trying to cultivate compassion here and have made progress, but this is a tough one. Still, it's doable I am sure!!

I will check out Adult Children of Alcoholics soon...when I have some more time!!!

I also seem to have more acceptance around the fact that it's taking me a bit of time to catch up with my non alcoholic peers. I have a long way to go in terms of my ability to form relationships and to trust and to make friendships, but I will get there in the end.....

As one of my sponsors used to say when I asked HOW...it takes HARD LABOUR..:-) For me, this is about trying to suspend my disbelief when people say there lives keep getting better and better the more they practice these principles in all their affairs (and not throwing so many tantrums :-))

Goos luck to those of you embarking on those legal courses/new term. You know who you are.

Fear

I think this plays a big part in my life at the moment; fear of change and actually becoming a mature, responsible woman.

Fear of striking up friendships in case they go wrong. Fear of getting close...to anyone really. Fear of changing. Fear of what I will be like if I stop being so resentful. Fear of feeling sad. Fear of all sorts of things.

Fear of working the programme in all my affairs in case it doesn't work for me. Fear of my dad growing old. Fear of not changing. Fear of being kind and generous. Fear of being good at my job. Fear of being friendless. Fear that my heart has turned to stone. Fear that I am mean spirited. Fear that I will be left behind.

At the same time, I am sick and tired of:

Being a victim

Being negative

Not trusting anyone

Thinking other people are lying/are shit/don't like me/don't want me around

Thinking I am shit at everything

Thinking I don't deserve to be happy

Not enjoying life to the full!!

Striving so hard that I make myself physically burn out

Feeling so anxious my chest feels like it has a ball of tension stuck inside it

Trying to figure stuff out on my own

Thinking I am special and different

Thinking God hates me

Not being the best daughter or sister I can be

Feeling left behind in AA

Losing perspective; not seeing the good

Being how I am at the moment!!!

Weary but Still trudging the road of happy destiny..

I feel that I have come through something recently. Something has shifted. I was resisting and trying so hard to make things go my way that it just got too painful and I have let go. I have become more teachable.

There have been very clear turning points in my recovery so far. When I first got step one on a certain level, then had another step one moment on a slightly different level.

There have been many step one moments not just with alcohol but in many different areas of my life. About my destructive relationships with men, about the reality of my childhood and the suffering my parents experienced. About my work, about my mental health, about my physical appearance, about my habits around food and caffeine. I expect I will continue to have these. I have heard these moments of clarity described variously as

The scales falling from your eyes

"Spinach in teeth" moments (often accompanied by a gasp of "how could I have thought that/god was I really like that/how could I not have seen that)

Shedding skins

Peeling the layers off an onion

It's all about self discovery and awareness really...

Just now, I am weary. A little jaded. I intend to slow down a little. Make sleep and diet a priority. Strive for excellence in those areas; go to any lengths. I am running on a half a cylinder and I am not prepared to accept that as being good enough anymore. I didn't stop drinking so I could feel tired and sluggish all the time. I want to feel good about my body and what I put into it.

If you want self esteem do esteemable things.

Little things get to me when I am tired.

Like my housemate saying she intends to watch the rugby tomorrow night when she knows my dad is coming to visit. Like the fact that she is always in and I am always out and about and she can't even allow me some time in the house alone with my dad. It's so thoughtless. I am thoughtless too I know I know. I find it so frustrating that she just doesn't go out. Need to take inventory on that, something in me that is triggered by that..need to get to the bottom of it.

When she asked "does your dad like rugby" I said "I don't know", when in fact what I wanted to say was "actually he is not a big fan and I would quite like to have some time in the sitting room with him and my sister, as I rarely get to use the sitting room or have any time to myself in it"

Now I have a resentment against her and she is living in my head rent free. It's like I assume her interest in watching the rugby naturally takes precedence over my right to have some time in a sitting room that I pay rent to use, as she does regularly and I don't.

I feel so uncomfortable being a spineless doormat these days. Yet knowing when I am being one and trying to balance that with being of maximum helpfulness to others, which is what the programme asks of us, is a tough call, one that can only be worked out on a case by case basis.

I have had a good day today, all in, a long running piece of work came to a successful conclusion today and I enjoyed the final negotiations. Job done. Caught the tail end of a meeting too and saw some newcomers filled with hope, which is always good to see. :-)

People

..are actually quite nice. I sometimes feel a warmth towards other people. I don't think I have often experienced it...Just random people, like the personal trainer in the gym or the girl who did my highlights tonight at the hair dresser. Just little things about them made me smile.

Weekends

I feel less lonely during the weekends. I used to feel so LONELY and adrift when I first stopped drinking and came into recovery.

Now I feel less lonely, but I still seem to find myself drifting a bit at the weekend. I don't seem to like committing myself to plans in case something better comes along, but then end up having gaps where I am not with people I feel lonely and friendless.

I do not feel like I have that many friends at the moment. I am very independent in many ways, but I need to have a look at my social life, make some changes.

Other people seem to talk about themselves so much and not even notice I am there. I get a bit disappointed by other people sometimes and wonder why I bother to try. I don't seem to fit in anyway or be noticed. What do these people do when they are alone? Continue to bang on about themselves?? They may aswell, why does it matter if no one is there!

I am tired today. Always tired. I can't seem to get the balance right at the moment. Will keep on keeping on though.

Home Group & Crazy People

Very mad person in our meeting tonight, felt a very unsettling vibe in the meeting, it was palpable from when the meeting started.

Drunk, of course, but very mad and aggressive too. He left thank god after someone insulted him and half the meeting left to watch them fight outside. I think it petered out, but God what a nightmare!! That meeting some weeks is so fantastic and others it is just completely CRAZY.

There was a guy from one of the "strong" meetings we have here in London, shares the message (no matter how repetitive and scripted it sounds) and has that sparkle in his eye. You know the type, the one you see and think yeah THAT's why I want to start doing the suggestions more so that I feel GREAT and energised and light.

Well anyway, he was there and of course I, having been secretary at that meeting for nearly a year, feel like it is MINE, it belongs to me, it's success is down to me and if it goes badly it is down to something I have done wrong. Self Centredness, pride, dishonesty, arrogance.

Lo and behold however just as I am thinking he will be really impressed with ME and MY MEETING (which of course is bullshit as the meeting has been going on for years Before Moi (BM), it's COMPLETELY CRAZY.

Home groups for me though have been the foundation of my recovery. It has given me consistency and a sense of "belonging" to a group and giving me a purpose in that group (washing up, greeting, putting up the signs, hoovering and now secretary). I have changed both mine since my early days, the ones I went to first were VERY structured and rigid and that is what I felt most safe with.

The chaos of some of the more crazy meetings I couldn't handle as I felt too fragile. The guys were so kind and really were very sexually restrained (good male sponsorhip) so it felt safe. I felt very uncomfortable around men for a long time. I still do sometimes. I guess this is all just learning to be comfortable in my own skin.

Practice these Principles in ALL our affairs

"We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes OCCUPATIONS and affairs."

Growth

I have asked for some advice on my career situation and got some very candid feedback.

I shudder about some of the fantastic opportunities I have missed because I have been in denial about certain things or just not willing to educate myself enough. Denial really is a right bugger.

It's been easier to find fault with everyone else.

There a few areas I can now "see" I need to work on. I don't want to go into them all here, I am rather embarrassed about it all if the truth be known. At least I can "feel" that I am closer to the truth than I was before.

The Truth Shall Set you Free.

I am still not really sure that this is what is going on here, I just feel a bit strange...like things have been rearranged. Humbled/embarrassed/feel like I look a bit silly/sad/angry with myself.

I have missed both my home groups this week, one was unavoidable as I was away for work the other I chose to do something else.

I don't know what to say

I think I might be heading towards a point of clarity about my job situation. I feel a bit different. I can not articulate it at the moment, but I feel a may be getting closer to the truth.

Part of what I am feeling is defeat. Surrender. A concession to my inner most self that I can't figure this out on my own???

I do not know.

The words "it was a crushing blow" spring to mind from the Big Book. Maybe I have hit step one in this area. Or maybe I am talking crap. I am tired and getting a cold after all this analysis!

I AM genuiently greatful I am sober today. At least I now have the opportunity to deal with these issues.

I am grateful it's autumn too...I hate summer...maybe that will change one day...and I will be like that rest of the world who adore summer for reasons best known to themselves.

Confused..

I think I have maybe been lying to myself all this time about jobs. If I really wanted a new one why did I not really make the effort. What was stopping me?? Was it fear all this time. It's been three years. A year of that time spent going through the steps, a year getting up the courage to seriously apply and a year wasted I guess...

I don't know what it has all been about. Have I not REALLY been trying? Am I too lazy? Am I missing something.

I have missed a lot of opportunities, because I think my head has been in the sand or I have just been plan dishonest about what I want don't want.

Maybe I have been too scared to get out my comfort zone or too lazy??

Step ten, will keep doing it, even though I think it's a pile of sh*te, I know my best thinking got me here and all that.......

One confused/stuck in rut (and wanting to stay there??) person..

Step 11

I did some step 11 stuff today.

Have a few more step 11 things taking place over the next few months, looking forward to that.

Also had a savoury crepe some coffee with someone from the fellowship, afterwards.

Too tired to try to figure issues out today.

Work

I am being bullied by one of my colleagues at work. Since I have been in the job I have been seen by my colleagues as a soft target. They know I am weak and vulnerable so they do what human beings love to do: put me down and bully me.

At the moment, a more senior colleaugue, desperate to promote himself, keeps taking swipes at me, saying things like (in front of my boss) what I am saying is not relevant, saying what I saying does not make sense, talking over me.

It's been like this since I have been in this role, it hasn't changed and I doubt it will now, they do it like shooting fish in a barrell. There are three of them and one of me, becuase I am not loud or confident and don't drink I get shat on regularly.

OH and, yes tried leaving, never get anywhere with that despite numerous attempts.

So, this is my lot that my loving higher power as given to me; bullied at work, unable to secure an alternative job, no partner. I am so grateful, wow, I am soooooo lucky. Lucky old me.

But hey I'm not drinking or taking drugs so wow what a GREAT life I have. Thanks God. Thanks for making me.

Glad to be alive. Life beyond my wildest dreams, sssssssh all that working with newcomers really paid off, I am soooooooo glad I did it. I'm REALLY being looked after. Rocketed in a fourth dimension that's me.

Gratitude:

I am grateful that

I am consistently bullied at work
I am put down and ignored at work
I keep trying to get a new job...but dont get one
that I am single
I was born

Because you know what, it's all for a reason, god works in mysterious ways so I am so grateful he has given soooooooo much. Wow, life is just utterly fantastic.

Being Single

I am so sick of it right now. My period of being single is just going on and on and on and it's over two years now, rather than just two years. I can't imagine it changing and on a practical level this is a concern: my colleagues are mostly married, the men I do meet during the course of work are married and no one has expressed any interest in me. I have singed up to internet dating again, nothing really came of it last summer when I did it. I guess it gives me some hope to be registered with a site but I don't really expect anything to come of it.

One of my last remaining single friends has just met someone and already she can't be arsed to return my calls having been very reliable before now.

I don't want to be single for the rest of my life. I want to have the joy of compansionship and closeness to someone anyone in AA who tries to tell me there is anything wrong with that they clearly are deluded. I am trying to keep busy, go to meetings regularly,joined a group but it's never enough. Guy from that group asked me on date, so there are some offers but he just made me feel so angry.

I've asked other single women my age how they feel and it's the same as me. I am not special and different. Feelings are:

I feel there is something wrong with me/why are so many people in couples and not me
I feel I will NEVER meet anyone
I feel that noone will want me
I am scared I will never have kids

If my life is meant to be spent as a single person for years and years on end I really dont see much point to it.

No matter how many suggestions I do or meditation I go to there is always a yearning for close contact with another human being. This is part of being human, of being a woman, of being me.

That is how I feel today. I feel lonely and I feel tired. and I feel sad and I feel that everything is f*cking pointless.

Hurting my dad

I sometimes say really cruel things to him, that he doesn't deserve. He told me today he felt upset by what I had said that saddened my heart.

I seem to be "processing" anger at the moment, i feel it coming up through my body from my stomach to my chest, it is like a ball in my chest at the moment. I was talking with someone about the times my dad let us down when he was drinking and about the decisions he made when we were growing up. I have forgiven him, but this anger still seeps out.

I don't want to harm my dad. I love him dearly and know that he has a lot of sadness and has had so many disappointments and heartaches and I know that he feels like a failure as a father. He admits to this type of thing when he drinks.

I need to learn to process this anger in a "safe" way. Any suggestions greatly received.

THe Concept of Self Sabotage

This is a difficult one. Here's an example:

So I have a second interview at at top firm, I am told before the interview that I will be given a test. I am told roughly what the test will be on. I knew I needed to brush up on this area as it's not something I have dealt with for a while or at all in any great detail.

I, apparently, desperately want to change firms.

So, what do you think I do? Read up on the relevant area? The area I KNOW I will be tested on.

NO. Instead I get some kind of "block". Sure I can say I unexpectedly had to travel for work which took up three whole days and I only got back at about seven the night before the interview which was at 9 am the next morning. True. But could I have done some genning up despite this?

Yes, I had access to the Internet. I did have time in the evenings even though I was tired. I COULD have done the genning up, I knew I NEEDED to, but I DID NOT DO IT.

OK so I could also say that only one of the discussion points in the test was on the area I knew for sure I would be tested on and the majority of it was on something else.

BUT that something else I knew was a area I needed to spend time getting my head around and I could have done it many weeks before as part of ongoing career development. Maybe I am being to harsh and the job simply wasn't right for me. But something tells me there is something else at work..and self sabotage my be it:

This is the mental state that precedes this type of action/self sabotage:

I won't get it anyway,

how will I tell my boss I am giving in my notice

I can't give my notice in now, not now we have this big case on,

what will people think of me,

people will suddenly realise I am ok and can succeed,

my colleagues will suddenly think more highly of me if I get it (I do not know whether they don't think highly of me at the moment, but his is my belief),

how will I spend my pay rise,

I can buy this and that and the other.

How will I cope with the move?

I don't cope well with change/upheaval,

I am took emotionally f*cked up to cope with it,

what if I don't get passed the probationary period in the new place and I end up with no job,

how will I get another job if I have no job

What is I am crap at the new job

What if they are all much better than me and see through me?

What if they think I am sh*t? What if they realise I am sh*t

What will they do when they find out I don't drink?


And then I don't do the bloody preparation.

This has happened to me THREE times now. I get the interview (which is, I am told an achievement in my area), I get the second interview, in one case I got the third interview and drinks with my new potential colleagues, but at the LAST HURDLE I fall. Either because:

I don't appear to be interested enough in the job at the last stage (feedback x2)
I fail to do the necessary preparation (feedback x1)

The question is why do I not seem interested/fail to do the necessary feedback. The answer I think is that I am scared of actually getting a new job and all the uncertainties that that entails.

I only have one half of the part to play. I think in some cases the job genuinely has not been right for me and I have sensed that in my heart and I have not been able to "act as if"

I dunno, but all I know is there is something that stops me from really going for it.

I am capable and I can do this.

External feedback is positive from my current employer.

I need to figure out the block. That what it feels like, something stops me.

I tried two different careers consultants last summer and both helped but neither clinched me the deal.

I am going to try to find some blogs for this type of thing, AA blogsphere has been so helpful maybe there is a blogsphere full of all this type of career related stuff.

One member of the fellowship suggested that maybe I am on the wrong path and my higher power is showing me that. Could be true. I don't want that to be true though, not yet anyway.

I don't want to simply say "it's not god's will" that I have a new job, as I do no feel stimulated by what I am doing and know that there have been times in the past where I have felt stimulated in a work situation so know it IS possible and God wants me to be happy joyous and free so I can not believe it is his will for me to be in a job that doesn't bring out the best in me.

Maybe more will be revealed at some point without me having to strive to find a solution...who knows.

Restless, Irritable discontect

This "state" has been creeping up on me again recently. I guidance I have received is pointing in the direction of more step 11. I know in my heart this is what I need to be doing. I need to do more than just "give it away to keep it"; I do a lot of this in the form of helping newcomers and working with sponsees, but it's not enough for me.

I am not one of those people who seem to go through the steps then fall into a relationship, get the new job they wanted or move to another country to start afresh. For all my efforts nothing has changed; I can't seem to get another job (this is the subject of another post-maybe this is showing me I am in the wrong job!!)

I seem to have to work extremely hard otherwise I tend to feel that life is futile, I get a sense of impending doom or futility. I don't wish I was dead or anything, but when I am having a bad "drama queen" day, I sometimes wish I had never been born!!! The times I have explored step 11 stuff, Buddhism to be precise, I seem to have made some progress, so this is what I am going to keep bashing away at.

Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.. I am more of the slow variety but am sure it will come IF i work for it...

Family

My sister has a lot of financial worries at the moment and I feel so guilty and, at the same time, frustrated. I wish I could help her, she is a student and I work full time. It has taken me ages to pay off my student debts and I am slowly slowly getting better at managing my finances. I still have a long way to go in the area though as I have managed to run up some money on my credit card after studying for another qualification. I hate having debts now. It took me so long to get shot of them, but if I am not careful they start creeping up again.

My sister has been a student for the past two years and she is not even guaranteed a job at the end of it. I don't know whether I should be doing something to help. I guess we are both adults, but I feel responsible, even though it has had nothing to do with me.

I am trying to be there for her and not whinge and moan about myself too much, although this a habit of mine which I am trying to stop; whinging and moaning.

Anyway, it's been a bank Holiday here today and my weekend has been been a bit filmtastic:

Bourne Ultimatim: Fantastic
Lady Chatterly: Beautiful and peaceful film..
Also been shopping for work clothes, which I hate.

Knackered

Very tired today after flying and having lots of work to do, it has been exciting as doing something different. Feeling this tired all the time I am sure can't be normal. Trying to drink more water.

Have a new sponsee, who is to my surprise ringing as we agreed. I get a lot out of having sponsees. One of mine has just moved to a different country and she is doing really well. Bless her. Funnily enough she is at step nine and she has moved to the country where most of the people she will need to make amends to are based!

Missed both my home groups this week though as not been in London. Hey ho, not much I could've done about that so I will go to one tomorrow.

I do miss not going to my home groups.

Made a few promises to myself about changing a few things in my life, which I hope to stick to. I have, higher power makes in uncomfortable for me when it's time to change something.

Learning all the time from other people at work, which is great.

Missed Flight-lessons learned

I have missed my flight for work stuff, if I had been proactive and done some of the things I meant to do instead of duvet diving yesterday, I would not have missed my flight today (had to buy suitcase and new smart outfit, two things I have been putting off for weeks, two things I thougth about doing, but didn't do yesterday-too busy self obsessing). It is likely that I will now have to make financial amends to my employer as they have had to book me on to another flight.

It's true what they say, pebbles become stones and then boulders if you don't address these issues when they come up instead of sitting on them and procrastinating.

Not booking that dentist appointment, hair cut or buying those important items of clothing all catch up on me and result in ending up going to an interview having just bought an ill fitting suit with a bird's nest on my head.

Yesterday's mistakes have cost me financially and my reputation has taken a knock, missed flight = a bit unreliable.

Oh well, lesson learned and everything makes mistakes I guess.

Missed Flight-lessons learned

Have to travel today for work and have just missed my flight, booked onto the next one at the expense of my employer. Will probably have to settle up myself. Not making a very good impression with my colleagues. Very embarrassed. It was avoidable; I took some extra time because I had to by a case and a new suit, things I have meant to do for a long time, in fact could have done yesterday but was too busy self obsessing, duvet diving and being slothful.

Must not get blow this out of proportion. Everyone makes mistakes. The lesson learned is this: be more proactive, don't leave things to the last minute as what starts off as a pebble will quickly become a stone and later a boulder. Must learn to get that haircut, book that dentist appointment, build up my wardrobe gradually to avoid situations like where I suddenly have an interview and nothing to wear and hair looking like a bird's nest and having to travel to work and having no suitcase and, as a result, missing my flight and having to make financial amends to my employer!!!!!!!!

Having a day "relaxing"=No good for me at the mo.

Remind me never to have a day totally unplanned, today I have done nothing apart from go to the supermarket and I don't feel so good. Thought I needed a day to rest, but I have learnt a valuable lesson, that I should have learnt along time ago "Just for today, I will have a plan, I may not stick to it, but I will have it. This will save me from two pests: hurry and indecision."

I have spent all day in, lounging around thinking about the useful, productive, constructive things I could have filled my day with!!

Lesson learned. For now anyway, until the next time I forget it!!

Thoughts on Sunday

Trying to "do" things at the moment, fixing up a few social engagements, trying to get on with life. Pleased about that.

I have been wallowing in it a bit after seeing that old flame and taking inventory (which is good for me). I am envious of his success and his emotional 'strength.' I am alcoholic and I had a rock bottom, a breakdown or whatever you want to call it.

I thought, because he was a bit of a tosser and drank that I might bump into him in the fellowship and he would see me looking well and having changed and he would be a mess. No, not so, he is an extremely high flyer now and looked tanned and happy. He was not a really bad person. Sponsor said people don't' necessarily get their comeuppance, as life is not always fair, so it is not true to say what goes around comes around.

Chances are I will bump into him again, as he works around the corner from me now. Not a good thing really. Also envious of his professional success, which highlights what I already know: I want to leave my job; I don't enjoy it, I know I am capable of so much more, so I feel frustrated. Even if these interviews don't lead to anything I will have to keep trying, I have no other option. I'm impatient.

I find having a day of not doing things, like today, difficult. Don't find it that easy to have time on my own yet. I think that time alone will be far more pleasurable when I have found my new place. When I can live alone and have my own space.

One of my housemates has been walking up and down the stairs all day today, I do not know why, I just can not understand why someone needs to walk up and down the stairs so many times, it pisses me off. I want to live on my own. I've known that for a long time, so its just putting in the action again. As I write, she has walked up the stairs AGAIN and made loads of noise in her room AGAIN and in just a few seconds she will slam the door AGAIN and walk down the stairs before, in a few seconds/minutes time walking back up the stairs again.

She is also, I think, an alcoholic, drinks a bottle of wine most nights and comes home some nights stupefied to the point of not being able to speak. She also NEVER goes out, I find it astonishing. Actually there is always one person when you house share who NEVER goes out so you never have any time to yourself. I found an antidepressant on the floor the other day so either her or the other one, who has a rally loud voice, which also irritates me, is on them.

Makes me grateful I am no longer on antidepressants, I feel like I am on the right path and I am grateful for that. She's walking back up the stairs again now.........

Not quite sure I want to make my blog like a personal diary, feel a bit exposed. I'm sure I'll figure out a way of blogging to suit me. Not sure why I am doing it really, I don't want it to be about how many comments I get although inevitably It will probably get like that. I don't want to write to get approval or acceptance as that will skew my honesty, but of course, as with all people, I do want to belong.

It's time to move on from that old flame, time to let go. Two years it's been now since we were 'together' if you can call it that and still it is still there, but it will go, I have to believe that.

The tricks of my mind

My mind plays tricks on me: what I've noticed is that when I am apprehensive or nervous about something, like an interview, my brain prefers not to acknowledge these states or relate them back to the cause i.e the interview. It prefers to pretend that something more catastrophic is happening, I start thinking things like; life is pointless, things will never change, I will always feel like this, why am I even bothering to try, everything is sh*t, my life is futile etc. etc.

It may be some kind of process of attempted "sabotage" that I have heard talked about in AA.

When we think we may get something good come our way, like a new opportunity or a nice man, we can't handle it so we try to destroy it or try to f*ck it up before the new opportunity gets taken away or we get rejected. Like a pre-emptive first strike.

I am now aware of this trickery so I am going to confront it next time and say "thank you very much, but I know that I am just nervous about my forthcoming interview and quite frankly I don't believe a word of what you are telling me." I'll let you know if it works.

My sponsor said to me when I was going through the steps that I needed to learn how to be honest if I wanted to recover. In explaining honest she wrote down on a sheet of paper what sort of things were honest and what was not, like this:

Honest Dishonest

Objective Drama
Exaggeration
Adjectives like always and never: "I will never be happy"

You get the picture. There were loads more words but that is the general idea, I've always remembered those two columns.

We love columns in AA!!!

My job interview went well today, got through to the second round.

Who knows how it will work out in the end but I am trying to Let go and Let god.

Another piece of advice that was given to me was to not try to do too many things at once. I was trying to get a job and a house and do a time consuming course all at the same time but it pays to sometimes just focus on the one thing.

I have a calender at work which has a new slogan on for each day which seems to be tuned into what is going on for me at any given moment. Seriously, it is freaking me out a bit. Anyway, one of the slogans for this week was:

"If you chase two hares at the same time, you'll end up catching neither"

Coincidences

I walked straight past the guy who dumped me just before I came into AA today, not seen him for two years or so.

we saw each other but it happened quickly and I just walked straight passed. I wish I had stopped now to say hi. He looked well and handsome and happy.

I resented him for a long time.

I am happy he is happy though. I can see how I was too unwell/insecure to have an adult relationship and he didn't have feelings for me, which is fair enough. It bloody hurt though.

Grateful today for
my sobriety,
not smoking,
interview tomorrow,
my job,
salmon,
spinning class,
that I asked a friend to join me for an outing to hear some poetry, my home group tonight
realisation that I need to try to make more effort with people/trust them a bit more/to grow up a bit.

Job Interviews

So I have some coming up.

I am scared.

All the "I'm not good enough" comes up. I also know I am not being true to myself in the job that I am in and angry it is taking so long to leave, but I think I know deep down there has been a choice to stay, there have been opportunities which I have not taken: Fear is holding my back big time.

Got to try to have more faith in myself and that my HP will help me through. I find it hard to trust HP still.

Disillusionment on the Spiritual Path

I feel like a bit of a fraud in recovery sometimes. I fake it to make it. I gave a chair last week and tried to make it as positive as possible for the newcomer. That's my job in AA, that was said to me very early on "the purpose of sharing is to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers" and in my early meetings, which were very structured, it was all the 'life keeps getting better and better" type sharing.

That is what I needed; hope and yes the general trend is upward and I am no longer numb or living in my head All the time (still do some of the time), but this doesn't stop me feeling disillusioned, bored, angry, fed up, irritated, disgruntled a lot of the time. The whole catastrophe.

The fact that I feel like this a lot of the time at the moment perhaps is a sign from HP that I am doing something wrong. Or maybe it is because I am under a lot of pressure as I am trying to get out of my comfort zone in my professional life and risking a lot of rejection.

I am NOT going to lie on my blog, to say I am feeling a certain way (i.e happy joyous and free) the purpose for me in blogging is to be HONEST which also means risking rejection in blogsphere. The aim is to be myself and right now I am going through some kind of pain/disillusionment with the spiritual path.

My favourite expression in AA is THE GOOD NEWS IS YOU GET YOUR FEELINGS BACK THE BAD NEWS IS YOU GET YOUR FEELINGS BACK.

Monday Irritations

In a bit of troph at the moment, work very slow but only beacause I am not trying my best, I can pretend a don't care but I do really.

My internet connection is not working properly and I find it incredibly frustrating as no one seems to be able to (a) tell me what the problem is or (b) fix it. There are so many people who do their jobs in a half arsed way. It really p*sses me off. So, these types of things show how intolerant and impatient I am sometimes. I also however do think that a lot of people just don't care about doing their job right.

Bizarrely, in parallel, I feel like a failure today. I very much fall prey to the 'compare and dispair' thing still, I think it is extremely difficult not to do. Most of my peers have bought flats and I haven't so this of course means that I am worthless and crap.

I am withdrawn at the moment. I don't know whether it is a feature of recovery but I feel aimless and directionless.

Keep on. Those were the words I heard in early days. Keep on. When no one has the answer or can't stop you feeling pain, it's just keep on, it gets better.

Tech Problems-It's Nothing Persoanl!

Just has I launch into Blogsphere, my lap top succombs to technical difficulties..It's been in the repair shop for the past week so I haven't been able to check out everyone's blogs and post comments. I am not rude, I just have technical problems so I can't blog very much, except by going to internet cafes after work and meetings which means not very much.

Hope to be back up and running soon...

Blogshpere

Is so cool, thanks Irish Friend of Bill for mentioning my blog and great to meet you all fellow bloggers. Comments and suggestions really very much appreciated.

Just come from a great meeting, I love it when people you haven't seen for ages comment on how much progress I have made, cause I can't see it sometimes.

I feel so much better today, this too shall pass and all that...

Being a bit negative minded I can see now that I wasn't 'seeing' the NEW friends that I have made over the past couple of years. I have been invited out to loads of BBQs, picnic, music concerts this summer by people I have met recently. I feel a bit faintly surprised when people invite me to things, like they must have made a mistake, but I guess some people do actually like me, which is really cool.

So even though life isn't how I think it should be (i.e I stay friends with the same group) it is still good as there are lots of people I see/email/speak to that make me laugh and feel wanted and feel happy.

It's made me think about the amount of effort I put into relationships; I am very passive; I wait to get invited to things rather than taking the initiate and inviting people to things that I organise. It's fear of rejection, but ultimately a bit self centered. SOOOOOO, I am organising something for next Saturday, I don't know what yet as I am a bit crappy at thinking of things to do at the moment, but I am going to do it. It's cool to be invited out to things.

Meetings are great for making you feel better..funny that..I always forget..bring your body and your mind will follow...!

Friendship

When I was in very early days in AA I ended a friendship which was not working. I had always resented this woman as she is one of those people who seemed to breeze through life, good family life, never worked that hard but always got the better grades, always got the men and it seemed too painful to continue the freindship in recovery.

I made amends to her in step nine. The friedship didn't take off after that point, it is not one of those stories.

A friend of mine has recently done the same thing to me; she has not said it but she no longer asks me out and has, to all extents and purposes ditched me. I did, as I have learnt in AA, find out waht she was thinking by asking her if I had upset her and she said no, she was just very busy with her other friends and her new boyfriend.

So, she no longer sees a need for me in her life. That hurts.

Is this bad karma for me ending a friendship that was not working? Maybe I should have just forgiven my friend and not been so dramatic. Now the same thing is happening to me.


To be honest I still dont really get "we intuitively know how to handle situations tht previously baffaled us." There are still so many situations for which I really want an explanations/answer for which there seem to be none.

Given time maybe I will be more accepting about all this.

Negativity, Relationships and Change

I am customarily negative about most things in my life. I must have developed this way of thinking many years ago as it is deeply engrained and I struggle to change it. So, I was thinking about why I developed it and the answer I think is this: when I was younger I used to be so hopeful that

one day my mum really would give up smoking like she said she would, or my dad wouln't go on anthother bender or my dad really would suddennly get that job he always talked about getting.

Needless to say none of these things ever happened, so I must have decided that being postive and hopeful was wrong as it only led to disappointment.

Now this negativity is less useful, it doesn't really even work when I try to use it so that I don't become disappointed when the date I go on is rubbish or I dont get praised at work or I dont get that new job I wanted. I steill feel disappointed and rejected and I have noticed that most other people are so much more positive than I am and I feel so drained feeling so angry and grumpy and negative.

I am trying to cultivate more open mindedness in my life at the moment, but as usualy it's simple but not easy.

Sobriety/Getting Fat-is one the corollary of the other?

I genuinely thought before I arrived in AA that everyone would be thin. So obsessed was I with my weight and being slightly body dismorphic (I look back at photos and I was soooooo thin) that I was convined at that point that weight issues and unrequited love were my only issues (how wrong I was).

Anyway, the point is I am fatter now than I was in my drinking days.

Maybe this is because my body is going through some sort of relaxations through the process of healing. I held so much tension in my body that I was not even aware of. The tension over the last few months has been rising up through my body and dissipates in my chest and sometimes reaches up to my throat and feels like it is going to erupt out of my mouth. I also get really powerful waves of pure anger rising up through my body, they are like pure sheets of white engery...sounds strange but that is what they feel like. It feels like these are repressed emotions that are coming up for air.

The point is that I am fatter than I want to be and blow me down it is not the stella that is causint it as I don't drink stella anymore or any alcohol for that matter. Maybe is the buffalo chickent and fries.

I don't operate effectively when I am sluggish and putting crap food into my body; I am not being as useful to others as I could potentially be if I were operating as a finley tuned machine so this is my focus from now on.

It might help me attract a few more members of the opposite sex too....

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems

I have come to the conclusion that life is easier for men. They can age and get fat yet still attract the most fair, beautiful members of the opposite sex. This is not fair. Life is not fair and I need to accept that fact, specifically in relation to this gender inbalance in life. Maybe I am wrong about this, but as far as I can make out from my observations about life the world revolves around sex.

This conclusion has been brought about by the recent spat of babies at my office, at weddings were my contemporaries are currently to be found and the fact that there are just SO MANY people in the world.

Due to my lack of close contact with the opposite sex during my two years or so abstinent from alcohol my perceptions as to the frequency with which other people (or EVERY ONE ELSE EXCEPT ME as the thought actually runs in my head) are having sex are heightened, perhaps unusually so. Every person that I see is the result of two people having lots of pleasurable and thorougly enjoying acts of making love.

During my recent musings as to the purpose of life it seems that one such purpose is to pro create i.e have lots of sex. This is the purpose of life and yet I am not furthering this purpose at all. Perhaps this is why I feel so purposeless in life, like a leave driting in the wind with no descernable aim.

So the world revolves around sex and men are able to get more of it, they get hurt less when they shag around and have no risk of unwanted pregnancies. Women become spent as soon as they get a bit chubby/matronly/grey.

This is a fact. I am past being convinced that it is not. The world favours the young and the beautiful. Accepting this fact is painful, but it is the answer.

Buffalo wings and fries

I can't believe I have just ordered that, that's what I like about recovery/life, so many good intentions...

Step away from the bar

Gratitute: friendly staff, buffalo wings and fries, wifi, sobriety, not smoking even at times of extreme stree, caffeine, american mock court room tv shows (there are, like, soooo many), stretching, pillows, rain, sweets and e numbers.

Doing things properly v thinking you are doing them properly but not

Doing this project has really shown me how focused I can be and how sharp my mind can become IF I put my mind to it.

For the past couple of years my mind has been in a kind of foggy hazzy messy kind of state whereby I don't actually get much done and procrastinate and kid myself that I am doing stuff when I am actually only making a half arsed attempt.

Maybe this is part of getting older or maybe just not having devised enough strategies to get my butt out of bed and head out of the clouds/fantasy land

(yes, I still do that a bit "living in my head" as we call it in AA. I do this particularly when at work as I often feel lonely and will fantasize that I have a friend next to me or a handsome man when I leave the office to go to the bank. I need to find more constructive ways of dealing with and managing my feeling of isolation at work, but I digress...)

what was I saying......oh yes, basically I CAN do things when I put my mind to it, the problem is developing ways of putting my mind to it more often..suggestions welcome.

Things to be grateful for today: SOBER FOR OVER TWO YEARS :-), no fags today, doing a gratitude list today as not done one for weeks, nearly at end of my course, feeling settled where I live, rain, sunshine, supportive family, health, technology,nail varnish, one reader of my blog,tea, tea, coffee, coffee, coffee......

Seeing things through to the end

I have been ensconsed in my room for the past week putting in the action (and believe me it is a lot of action) necessary to complete a project that I first started in 2004. Needless to say I didn't complete it at the time and little did I know at that point that seven months later I was to wind up in AA.

So, anyway I never completed it. So, even though I have moaned, whinged and not actually given it my full attention (to be a subject of another posting) I am flying off to the other side of the Atlantic to complete the dam thing tomorrow morning.

Anyway, I have just stayed in my room and totally focused on this one thing and it is hard to believe that it is actually going to come to an end-this time next week it will be over.

I haven't really done ANYTHING towards my programme. That's inaccurate (part of my attempt to be more honest is to stope exaggerating) as I have spoken to sponsees and given one instructions on doing her step nine (a lot of doubt there-am I passing on what was passed onto me accurately?? I hope so)

Anyway, I feel alright and glad that I am seeing this through to the end.

YEAH!!!!!!!!

SOMEONE HAS READ MY BLOG

THANKS JOHNO........:-)

the facebook effect

OK so it's addictive but has the following effect:

Friend A has more friends than me;
Friend A used to be my friend and is friend with Friend B but is not friends with me
Friend B has mailed Friend C twice, but has not mailed me;
Friend C is having more fun than me;
Friend C is thinner than me and has more friends than me
My life is dull compared to Friend A, B and CS.
Must find more friends on here, dreg up old classmates who I didn't even like and put them on just so I look like I have lots of friends.

It's not a good site whilst working on self esteem issues but strangely addictive and brings out the competitiveness in me and need to be liked, to be seen to be successful and 'having it all' It's like the American dream that brought Willy Lomas or whatever his name was in that Arthur Miller Play to his death and like that fear of 'el que diran' in La Casa De Bernada Alba (Lorca) (from my Spanish A level days don't you know..)

Anyway so facebook isn't helping and I am more educated than I give myself credit for.

time flies

..it's nearly July. Doing Course so no blog posts, also not had the Internet as moved flat (wonders will never cease). For all those who have been waiting for next post with baited breath.hee hee. no one has read it apart from me :-) Rome wasn't built in a day. As my sponsor kept annoyingly but correctly kept saying to me. How right she was.
Grateful
Rain
Female housemates
sponsor
getting life in perspective
forgiving dad (when I say things that hurt)
having the opportunity to not say things that hurt to my dad and sister who I love more than anyone else in the world.
Knowing my mum for 55 years
Not feeling depressed
Hard work
Music
Eastenders
Mad women on eastenders
toffee

So much happens in recovery

Time sort of slows down and speeds up in recovery. So much seem to change in such a short period of time.

One of my loved ones relapsed. I used to feel only anger. Now I feel compassion and sadness, because I know it is borne of pain and that horrible ache of loneliness that only alcoholics know. Luckily the relapse seems to be nipped in the bud this time, but I can only prey it doesn't happen again. The true meaning of powerlessness and helplessness I now know.

I opened up about it in an AA meeting and was touched how people care. I have been trying so hard to share for the new comer that I forgot to open up and ask for help. When I did the hand of AA was there.

I had two cigarettes tonight and made a call to an old destructive flame (hung up before I spoke to him). There, I have admitted it. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. I don't feel good about it but tomorrow is a another day and it is a day at a time.

Am listening to the best of the Cure.

Yesterday I got so old I felt like I could die.
Yesterday I felt so old I felt Like I could cry.

I am very tired....

I love that line: Yesterday I felt so old I felt

Up my game

Wow, I can't believe it is May already. I seem to have lost my sense of urgency about changing everything. I have a feeling that things will change of their own accord.

My job is getting more difficult. I have been in this job for as long as I have been in recovery (nearly two years) so obviously I have changed a lot since then. Basically, I realised today that I need to up my game, I have been a bit passive at work; not really taking responsibility for my work. I now feel ready to start trusting my own judgments. Before I can do that however I have some revision to do! I can not longer loaf, daydream, email my female friends in AA about guys etc. I need to do some serious work.

Although I need to be careful, as I do have a tendency to not recognise my efforts. I have always worked hard. It's just this stage of my career is recognised as being a step up. What I have realised is that I just need to eat well, be alert, get a good nights rest in order to be at my best. I don't want to let myself down with lack of confidence in myself.

Feel hurt today. A friend of ten years or so has ignored both my email and phone message. I want to tell her she is a rude thoughtless b*tch, but I am not going to actually say that. Another friend seems to have 'dropped' me after taking me out for dinner the other day. Maybe it's my vibes I give off. That I don't really feel that I connect with them(yuk 'connect' is such a crap way to explain it). Maybe they sense it, or maybe I have done something to p*ss them off, or maybe it is nothing to do with me and more to do with them. Who knows. I am going to try to trust it is meant to me, although I still think she is a b*tch.

Doing Chairs

Nearly two years sober and went to the venue of my first ever meeting tonight to do a chair. Saw my name in the birthday book for 7 May 2005 and felt really proud of myself. Couple of people where there who I came into the fellowship around about the same time. One of them I think I had upset in my madness (during 'i hate men' rant) and the other I have not been particularly friendly to over the course of the last two years. Who can blame them for not falling over themselves to greet me.

I could see that they cared about me though, in their eyes and their hearts were warm I guess even though I can see that they were a bit wary of me.

What can I say? I HAVE been extremely moody/touchy/over sensitive/angry in my early recovery. BUT I am not going to be too hard on myself about that. I was extremely sad underneath it all and in a lot of pain. My heart felt like it had broken ( I know how that sounds, but it's true.

So the lesson: don't snap at others too much or you end up losing people.

Things I am grateful for today:

I am sober
I have not had a fag
No prescription drugs
No destructive/obsessive relationship
Went to work
Worked out at the gym
Had a lovely chocolate croissant
Public transport worked OK
boss away :-)
Tidy desk
Did a chair
My thank-you card from meeting:

"May the road rise with you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face
and the rains fall soft upon your fields
and, until we meet again
My god keep you in the hollow of your hand"

Yaking about old wounds doesn't help

Going over stuff over and over again (like these minor knock backs) doesn't help me to cultivate gratitude for the things I do have. It's just a way to talk about myself and self obsess and not think of the person I am talking to.

Less droning on about myself and more 'constant thought of others' and only then will I be following the AA instructions, until then prepared to be restless irritable and discontent...

Gratitude

I am sober today
I have not smoked today
I have not taken a prescribed antidepressant drug today

Supper out with my sister

It's spring time and feels like a new beginning
The sun is shining
Made it to the gym this morning before work

Asked the personal trainer how much he charges (been too scared to ask him before as felt to dumpy/found him attractive)

Had a productive day
Tidied my desk at work

Didn't moan as much as a normally do about myself when I met my sister

Newcomers in AA to call

Easing up?

I have felt alright over the past week or so; work is busy; things have changed around me which has shown me that things do change even when I stay in the same place. I have put on hold my desperate attempt to find a new job. Partly through sheer lack of motivation given my recent spat of rejections, partly due to lack of time (yes, my life is actually getting busier just like people AA said it would) and partly due to the fact that I have figured out ways to deal with some of the problems I had at work (mainly the paranoia thing) so it doesn't seem like such a disaster when I go in everyday.

I am also just feeling a bit better/stronger/content.

See, there are days when I feel good. The nun at the retreat I went on earlier in the year said that to me when I said I felt sad all the time. She pointed out that there were most probably times when I didn't feel sad. When you feel happiness, she said, really FEEL it to the tips of your fingers until it passes. I liked that.

Lashings of Gratitute

ANYWAY..looking on the brighter side of my day today (and recognising I am obsessed being rejected at this present moment in time and therefore obsessed with, yep, me again!) time to reflect on the good things that have happened today:

I worked hard at work/am working outside my comfort zone on more challenging things and therefore growing & developing (cf. day dreaming/fantasising)

I haven't had a drink today or for the past 23 months!!! (clearly there is a problem as this should have gone at the top of my list!?)

I have not had or thought of a cigarette today

I had a tango lesson with two guys whose company I enjoy who I met recently

I have broadened my social circle and have done it myself, using my own initiative and putting the action in to create a wider social circle (recognising I just did not feel comfortable around pr aa friends)

I went to a bar with new pals and then had McDonald's in central London at midnight. No thought of a drink and thoroughly enjoyed it! (cf. crying in the corner after numerous cans of Stella)

Found somewhere to live

Got plenty of money in my pocket

Invited out tomorrow for shopping with new girl acquaintances

Got invited to Salsa on Sunday night

Live in a thriving capital city and still have my life ahead of me

Have the fellowship of AA and opportunity to live a rich and useful life and a daily opportunity to be loving and kind

Found out the hot totty I met whilst on holiday apparently thinks I was fit!! (I won't be holding my breath on that one though, men are so fickle ;-)

It doesn't say Rejection is Part of Life ("but not part of yours")

So I am going to have to learn to deal with rejection. No choice.

Dealing with Rejection

I have been rejected twice recently by men during the dating game and to be honest I didn't feel too great about that.

The first rejection happened in Jan and I am just about over it now. Four months isn't too bad when I think about it. I have also accepted this for what it was: rejection. I was bitter about and still am a little, but I can I feel that it will pass. This is a vast improvement from the way I dealt with rejection whilst still drinking. I could not accept it, obsessed and fantasised about being with the rejector for two years whilst he simultaneously made it plain he was not interested in having a relationship.

What part of him not replying to any of my texts/calls/emails did I not understand??!! It's so humiliating to think of the denial I was in. It is also very freeing to acknowledge it and accept it.

I was a sick person getting well not a bad person getting good.

I also, very unusually, got an explanation from my January rejector. He explained that there was no point being bitter, and he correctly identified the fact that I liked him a bit more than he was able to give back (I could not RESIST interjecting at that point to say I didn't really find him that attractive anyway-hee hee-I just had to :-)) He thought I was a lovely person and a good looking girl. I asked why he asked me on a date if he knew he did not find me attractive and he said as above. He just thought it was not worth pursuing but wanted to stay friends as he genuinely thought I was a nice person. He also (and we know this already AA) cared about what I thought of him. He didn't want me to think he was a b*stard basically.

I tried to explain to him that he was chronically self centered and was only apologising/trying to smooth the waters because he wanted an easy life but he wasn't having that, it was best for both of us that I was not bitter. The denial that some people are in hey. ssheesh. :-)

Am I upset? Not really anymore, I know (from my experience of going through steps four and five) that it is futile to continue to resent him for something the poor man can not help: who he has feelings for/who he fancies etc. He was honest with me. He was drunk mind you when he said all this.

Did I give him hard time when he tried to make things up to me tonight? Yes, of course I bloody did. It's progress not perfection. I should have of course said 'no hard feelings; water under the bridge' but I didn't. Perfect is boring all the time, although I do aspire to it some of the time. I was indulging a little my immature streak.

Am I bored with obsessing about it? Yes.

Am I annoyed that no one is reading this god dam blog? YES.

Oh and my March rejector, well he just simply did not reply to my text saying I would love to see him again. Am I upset? A little. It is mostly pride though, I recognise that my step tens and step four (blimey I am finally able to recognise how much AA has helped me!!Astonishing!). Have I obsessed about it as much as I used to when I was drinking? No, I haven't. Has it made me suicidal/made me feel my life is not worth living/crushed me emotionally? No, not this time. It did when I was drinking. Is this progress? Do you know what? I finally think it is!!!

Next time I see January rejector I will, I suppose, call it quits. As for March rejector, I might try a little prayer :-)

What IS WRONG with me

I have just read some other Sober Blogs which were positive and about recovery.
Why am I so miserable and negative these past few weeks?

I don't know if it because I am not working my programme enough or I am stressed at work, pissed off because I have had a few interviews for new jobs which I just didn't get (I am really really embarrassed about that and just want to give up but cant because what is the alternative!!).

I just find everything in life so bloody difficult.

I do want to enjoy life but it is just not happening. Its got to come from me. Will have to make a decision about how much work I am prepared to put in.

Maybe all this stuff just takes time. I just don't know. Maybe I need a complete change of lifestyle.

I wish I had a wise old owl to talk to about all this. My sponsor doesn't really understand to be honest.

My chest feels like it is going to implode with all this tension.

And why the hell am I writing this blog if no one is reading it or leaving me comments. Booo hooo hooo. poor me poor me pour me a drink...........

Thoughts of an insomniac

I am really stressed at the moment. My job is stressful (or is this just because of my approach/working method. I have to move house and don't yet know where I am going to. I have just hit a milestone age and and wondering what the hell I am doing with my life/am I in the right job/why am I still single/why are all my colleagues my age married with kids big houses and I am still living in a shared house with people I don't know/when I earn as much as they do?/how I have I got to this age and not have friends to live with/do I have as many friends as other people?/why is my friend's parents meeting her finances parents this weekend/why do I not have both my parents/will my other parent still be alive when I meet someone/how is it that so many people fall into relationships/why are there so many couples on the tube/why do they all look so happy if so many people cheat/is there any point having a relationship?/the man will only cheat with a younger woman/why I have I arranged to go away for the Easter and not stay with my one remaining parent who might die and then I will regret not seeing him this weekend/i don't know how I have got to this age and be single/it's so sad that baby was born with Downs syndrome/that girl at work was in her head to day could tell she was not really there at lunch/reminded me of me when I was drinking/am I really an alcoholic or do I just go to AA because I need a fellowship/I wish I could have a beer in the sunshine/am I headed for relapse because I am not going to any lengths/why did I not make the most of the meeting this evening/why did I not stay for coffee when the one thing I needed was close contact with another human being/my colleague put me down at lunch/why did I not say something to him?/I wish I could respond more quickly/why are so many girls in the meeting better dressed than me when I earn more than them?/what have I got to show for working in a professional job-nothing. Rented accommodation, a few shabby items of clothes and that is it/why did I allow myself to get so tired that I have lost my mobile/why can't I sleep?/where am I going to live/why do so many people hate me/why can't I be as thin as I used to be/why cant I motivate myself to go to the bloody gym/why could I not look that cute guy in the eye at the meeting/i am hoping the other cute one I asked to do a chair the other week came back because of me/but it is bound to be because of my friend in aa who guys seem to fancy more than me/why do I always end up befriending girls who are more successful with men than me?/do men fancy me really/is this an attention seeking thing/why don't they come onto me then?

Step 5-Me on the other side this time

I have been in a foul mood. Just to balance out the misery and frustration i am currently experiencing, in order to practice honesty I must also relate my experience at the weekend. I spiritual experience...

Didnt go out and enjoy the sunshine at the weekend. Stayed in and listened to my sponsees' step five.

We haven't finished it yet, but it was a very powerful experience. To hear them describe the way they felt (lighter) remined me of my experience. I wish I could have held on to that feeling of lightness, like a sort empowerment.

"spiritual surgery" they used to call it in AA.

So I did that all day Sunday (one in the morning and one in the afternoon) and then I went and did a chair.

I felt FANTASTIC by the end of the day.

That feeling too, however, did pass.

Challenge negative thoughts-why bother!!

I tried to think positively about the situation I found myself in the other day (see previous posts "Nice Bloke sham about me" and "Altered Attitude and honesty") but, low and behold, I was right the first time. He wasn't in the slightest bit interested. He ingorned the message I sent him. I just give up on men. My higher power (which takes great delight in seeing me suffer) just clearly wants me to be single and alone for THE REST OF MY LIFE. He wants me to be happy, joyous and free. BULLSH*T. If it wants me to be alone and single for the rest of my life. SO BE IT. I will make sure I enjoy it anyway just to P*SS it off. Also, to really annoy this punishing higher power of mine I wont even mention it again. If that is your will for me. FINE.

If you don't like me YOU CAN F**K OFF

I am just bored of it. Thinking I am crap at everything. I am not, actually. I am good at some things and am just doing the best I can with what I have got.

I am sick of trying to make people like me. If they don't, who cares. I find astonishing that people who have been a long time round in recovery and who purportedly practise the principle of forgiveness and compassion, don't actually forgive those newer in recovery.

It makes me angry that I have felt so bad and thought that everything is my fault, when quite clearly those who have been round longer, are just as crap as we all are!

To think I put these people on a pedestal! I guess this is what they mean by 'more will be revealed to you and to us.'

Some of the people I initially looked up to in recovery are the most hypocrital. The most 'i am mr/mrs recovery' are usually the ones full of sh*t.

Yeah, and if you don't like me or my blog you can F**K OFF.

Altered Attittude & Honesty

Ok so, maybe I got it wrong about that guy the other night. A bit of honesty has helped to achieve a more balanced view of what REALLY happened that night (see Blog post: "Nice Bloke, Shame about me"). That and talking it through with my girl friends in AA.

Ok, so I did turn up half an hour late to his birthday meal and left the evening early without really spending much time talking to him (clearly, I was scared he would go off me if he got too close to me/got to know me, but I can see how this could have been interpreted by him as rudeness/lack of interest).

Before that I did wait until replying to his text until the day after he sent it and was a bit non committal when I replied (busy this weekend, maybe next).

My belief that he would not be/is not/might have been interested but isn't anymore is SO compelling that I have almost lied to myself about the evening. I am so convinced I am getting REJECTED outright most of the time that I do get REJECTED.

I can see now why this is happening, the lack of confidence/fear of rejection/ice queen barrier I have in place to prevent myself from being hurt comes across as INDIFFERENCE, lack of enthusiasm and, sometimes, just plain rudeness.

As usual this is pushing me outside my comfort zone to really entertain a different view (an entirely different angle) other than my cozy, familiar 'I'm crap' line, but it really might be true.

SO, as suggested by the girls in my AA meeting tonight I shall send text him tomorrow telling him it would be lovely to see him again and ask him to text/call me. Communicate clearly.

If he doesn't call, I have lost nothing as I am already feeling the pain of rejection. If he does call I will have proved a pet theory wrong.

Even if we are wrong and he really isn't interested, I am going to keep challenging the negative beliefs. They are holding me back. Clearly I still have extremely low self esteem.

I need to sort that out!

Resentment & Communication Skills & 'knowing the whole story': Related!

The more effectively I communicate the less resentment I seem to harbour. I still get A LOT of resentments don't get me wrong, but I have realised recently that if I communicate my point or my concern AT THE time instead of allowing thoughts/feelings of being put down/wronged the less the resentment controls me. The less it festers.

This is taking practice, because it is difficult to work out whether it is best to say something or bite my tongue, but I am sort of beginning to get the 'feel' for it now. The way this has come about is through MISTAKES, or what I perceive to be mistakes at the moment anyhow. Mistakes in the form of upsetting people, mainly.

I might in six months time look back on those mistakes and not see them as mistakes at all. I often do that, automatically assume I am at fault.

Again, it's hard work because of course often I AM at fault.

There are no blanket rules to be applied that is why life is tricky I guess. The Rules are there are no rules, as my ex-sponsor used to say.

Also knowledge/information seems stop the resentment, the self centredness element of it at least. If I know half the story the belief that the offending comment/action can be very compelling.

Example, landlady asks lodger to move out and lodger takes it personally (it is an alcoholic lodger :-)). Lodger gets angry, resentful, feels picked on.

Lodger later finds out that the landlady wanted a new lodger to make it easier for her to increase the rent. This piece of information pierces the resentment and it is no longer as painful as it was when the 'whole picture' was not apparent.

If I really work on my self centredness I will probably be relieved of all this anger/hatred.

(note the lack of faith in my higher power-it is me doing it alone. Jees, when am I ever going to have a loving concept of a HP who I can hand this stuff over to!!

Nice Bloke shame about me

A friend of a friend said he quite liked me.

As usual, my expectations were too high. He asked me out by text I replied but he never took me. He invited me to his birthday, but I felt he didn't pay me enough attention. I felt awkward around him. If I got to close he would see that I wasn't as attractive as he thought. It was darker in the bar were we met last time.

Now he sees me in the light he has gone off me.

A friend tells me he really fancies me. I don't believe her. Then I do believe her but thinks she has spoken to him before the night began, now it is the middle of the night, he has spoken to me and decides he doesn't like me anymore.

He has regretted inviting me.
I am making him feel uncomfortable.
He wants me to go so he can start to enjoy himself and not feel constrained by having me there. I am spoiling their evening.

I leave.

I am sure he is breathing a sigh of relief as my back turns. He texts me in the morning. Hope you got home safely, thanks for coming out, see you soon.

See, I knew he didn't like me.

Thanks for coming fatty, I won't be asking you again, but I will end it politely. That is what he is really saying. Not good enough love. Don't bother me again.

I wish I had never gone. It's all pointless. He saw through me. I knew I saw him looking at me funnily, saying to me in his head

'I see you now and I see you are strange, not attractive,
overweight and I can see you have emotional/mental problems,
I am a doctor after all.
I bet you have no friends.
You are an outsider.
You don't belong here.
It was a mistake that I invited you.
I sent a text to my whole phonebook and you were in it. I forgot that.
I meant to delete you first.'

I read the text again. It makes me feel crap.

Anger Getting worse

I am kind of annoyed that I am sober nearly two years yet my emotional problems seem to be getting worse. Lashing out all the time at everyone, pretty much. Someone told me what they thought of me and my behavoir today and it was very complementary.

He has seen the true me over the past 22 months, the paranoia, the blaming others, the attacking. I told him that I really genuinely felt that people were looking down at me/attacking me/getting at me and that is why I lash out. He asked if I had low self esteem. I said yes. He said he didn't believe me.

I have lashed out, been a cow and not thought of how my actions have affected others. I have pushed and pushed and people have finally left me.

This may be a self conscious desire to be alone. I don't trust anyone. That is the honest truth. I expect the worse and don't see any good in people. My actions have come to fruition; I am alone.

Time to Dance

I want to do so much but I get so tired these days (I am only 30-surely I should have more energy?). So much indecision dominates my thinking, I must be lacking in faith at the moment or something like that because I just get a pull to do one thing over another. I am still getting to know myself so I suppose that is partly the reason. Now that life is getting busier I am going to have to decide what my priorities are.

One of those at the moment is to meet new people and to dance. I like dancing. I genuinely enjoy myself and get 'lost in the moment' which rarely happens given that my thoughts are relentless and are still dominated by my 'inner critic' i.e I'm crap/everyone hates me/everyone is better than me /if only they just listen to me mindset.

I also like having an evening out with structure, which dance classes have. I hate going out for sparkling waters and just standing around with lots of noise. I always think that the person I am talking to is the least interesting person and I must speak to the other person in the corner, then the first person suddenly seems interesting when I am not talking to them.

Anyway, do I live for the moment and go out to my dance class even though I am exhausted. I didn't go today and regretted it. Taking one option teaches me something. I felt uncomfortable missing it so I will be much more certain next week about what I will prioritise: the dance class.

Everything for me over the past couple of weeks has been high drama/chaos and a big deal. No one likes me; colleagues hate me; change jobs/stay in job; move flat/leave flat (where will I go?!); hate housemates; course at weekend/no course at weekends/when am I going to fit my sponsees in to read step five amongst all this!!

Anyway, time to cultivate some gratitude:

I am sober
I am not smoking
I am alive
I am financially independent
I have a roof over my head
I have done a full day's work

Time to stop being a drama queen and hand it over to my Higher Power.

I still don't really have a loving concept of a higher power and I still don't really get this 'handing it over' in practice.

Don't drink go to meetings and hopefully I'll get it!