Ok so, maybe I got it wrong about that guy the other night. A bit of honesty has helped to achieve a more balanced view of what REALLY happened that night (see Blog post: "Nice Bloke, Shame about me"). That and talking it through with my girl friends in AA.
Ok, so I did turn up half an hour late to his birthday meal and left the evening early without really spending much time talking to him (clearly, I was scared he would go off me if he got too close to me/got to know me, but I can see how this could have been interpreted by him as rudeness/lack of interest).
Before that I did wait until replying to his text until the day after he sent it and was a bit non committal when I replied (busy this weekend, maybe next).
My belief that he would not be/is not/might have been interested but isn't anymore is SO compelling that I have almost lied to myself about the evening. I am so convinced I am getting REJECTED outright most of the time that I do get REJECTED.
I can see now why this is happening, the lack of confidence/fear of rejection/ice queen barrier I have in place to prevent myself from being hurt comes across as INDIFFERENCE, lack of enthusiasm and, sometimes, just plain rudeness.
As usual this is pushing me outside my comfort zone to really entertain a different view (an entirely different angle) other than my cozy, familiar 'I'm crap' line, but it really might be true.
SO, as suggested by the girls in my AA meeting tonight I shall send text him tomorrow telling him it would be lovely to see him again and ask him to text/call me. Communicate clearly.
If he doesn't call, I have lost nothing as I am already feeling the pain of rejection. If he does call I will have proved a pet theory wrong.
Even if we are wrong and he really isn't interested, I am going to keep challenging the negative beliefs. They are holding me back. Clearly I still have extremely low self esteem.
I need to sort that out!
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