Monday 14 May 2007

So much happens in recovery

Time sort of slows down and speeds up in recovery. So much seem to change in such a short period of time.

One of my loved ones relapsed. I used to feel only anger. Now I feel compassion and sadness, because I know it is borne of pain and that horrible ache of loneliness that only alcoholics know. Luckily the relapse seems to be nipped in the bud this time, but I can only prey it doesn't happen again. The true meaning of powerlessness and helplessness I now know.

I opened up about it in an AA meeting and was touched how people care. I have been trying so hard to share for the new comer that I forgot to open up and ask for help. When I did the hand of AA was there.

I had two cigarettes tonight and made a call to an old destructive flame (hung up before I spoke to him). There, I have admitted it. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. I don't feel good about it but tomorrow is a another day and it is a day at a time.

Am listening to the best of the Cure.

Yesterday I got so old I felt like I could die.
Yesterday I felt so old I felt Like I could cry.

I am very tired....

I love that line: Yesterday I felt so old I felt

Wednesday 2 May 2007

Up my game

Wow, I can't believe it is May already. I seem to have lost my sense of urgency about changing everything. I have a feeling that things will change of their own accord.

My job is getting more difficult. I have been in this job for as long as I have been in recovery (nearly two years) so obviously I have changed a lot since then. Basically, I realised today that I need to up my game, I have been a bit passive at work; not really taking responsibility for my work. I now feel ready to start trusting my own judgments. Before I can do that however I have some revision to do! I can not longer loaf, daydream, email my female friends in AA about guys etc. I need to do some serious work.

Although I need to be careful, as I do have a tendency to not recognise my efforts. I have always worked hard. It's just this stage of my career is recognised as being a step up. What I have realised is that I just need to eat well, be alert, get a good nights rest in order to be at my best. I don't want to let myself down with lack of confidence in myself.

Feel hurt today. A friend of ten years or so has ignored both my email and phone message. I want to tell her she is a rude thoughtless b*tch, but I am not going to actually say that. Another friend seems to have 'dropped' me after taking me out for dinner the other day. Maybe it's my vibes I give off. That I don't really feel that I connect with them(yuk 'connect' is such a crap way to explain it). Maybe they sense it, or maybe I have done something to p*ss them off, or maybe it is nothing to do with me and more to do with them. Who knows. I am going to try to trust it is meant to me, although I still think she is a b*tch.