Up my game

Wow, I can't believe it is May already. I seem to have lost my sense of urgency about changing everything. I have a feeling that things will change of their own accord.

My job is getting more difficult. I have been in this job for as long as I have been in recovery (nearly two years) so obviously I have changed a lot since then. Basically, I realised today that I need to up my game, I have been a bit passive at work; not really taking responsibility for my work. I now feel ready to start trusting my own judgments. Before I can do that however I have some revision to do! I can not longer loaf, daydream, email my female friends in AA about guys etc. I need to do some serious work.

Although I need to be careful, as I do have a tendency to not recognise my efforts. I have always worked hard. It's just this stage of my career is recognised as being a step up. What I have realised is that I just need to eat well, be alert, get a good nights rest in order to be at my best. I don't want to let myself down with lack of confidence in myself.

Feel hurt today. A friend of ten years or so has ignored both my email and phone message. I want to tell her she is a rude thoughtless b*tch, but I am not going to actually say that. Another friend seems to have 'dropped' me after taking me out for dinner the other day. Maybe it's my vibes I give off. That I don't really feel that I connect with them(yuk 'connect' is such a crap way to explain it). Maybe they sense it, or maybe I have done something to p*ss them off, or maybe it is nothing to do with me and more to do with them. Who knows. I am going to try to trust it is meant to me, although I still think she is a b*tch.