Friday 31 August 2007

Being Single

I am so sick of it right now. My period of being single is just going on and on and on and it's over two years now, rather than just two years. I can't imagine it changing and on a practical level this is a concern: my colleagues are mostly married, the men I do meet during the course of work are married and no one has expressed any interest in me. I have singed up to internet dating again, nothing really came of it last summer when I did it. I guess it gives me some hope to be registered with a site but I don't really expect anything to come of it.

One of my last remaining single friends has just met someone and already she can't be arsed to return my calls having been very reliable before now.

I don't want to be single for the rest of my life. I want to have the joy of compansionship and closeness to someone anyone in AA who tries to tell me there is anything wrong with that they clearly are deluded. I am trying to keep busy, go to meetings regularly,joined a group but it's never enough. Guy from that group asked me on date, so there are some offers but he just made me feel so angry.

I've asked other single women my age how they feel and it's the same as me. I am not special and different. Feelings are:

I feel there is something wrong with me/why are so many people in couples and not me
I feel I will NEVER meet anyone
I feel that noone will want me
I am scared I will never have kids

If my life is meant to be spent as a single person for years and years on end I really dont see much point to it.

No matter how many suggestions I do or meditation I go to there is always a yearning for close contact with another human being. This is part of being human, of being a woman, of being me.

That is how I feel today. I feel lonely and I feel tired. and I feel sad and I feel that everything is f*cking pointless.

Wednesday 29 August 2007

Hurting my dad

I sometimes say really cruel things to him, that he doesn't deserve. He told me today he felt upset by what I had said that saddened my heart.

I seem to be "processing" anger at the moment, i feel it coming up through my body from my stomach to my chest, it is like a ball in my chest at the moment. I was talking with someone about the times my dad let us down when he was drinking and about the decisions he made when we were growing up. I have forgiven him, but this anger still seeps out.

I don't want to harm my dad. I love him dearly and know that he has a lot of sadness and has had so many disappointments and heartaches and I know that he feels like a failure as a father. He admits to this type of thing when he drinks.

I need to learn to process this anger in a "safe" way. Any suggestions greatly received.

Tuesday 28 August 2007

THe Concept of Self Sabotage

This is a difficult one. Here's an example:

So I have a second interview at at top firm, I am told before the interview that I will be given a test. I am told roughly what the test will be on. I knew I needed to brush up on this area as it's not something I have dealt with for a while or at all in any great detail.

I, apparently, desperately want to change firms.

So, what do you think I do? Read up on the relevant area? The area I KNOW I will be tested on.

NO. Instead I get some kind of "block". Sure I can say I unexpectedly had to travel for work which took up three whole days and I only got back at about seven the night before the interview which was at 9 am the next morning. True. But could I have done some genning up despite this?

Yes, I had access to the Internet. I did have time in the evenings even though I was tired. I COULD have done the genning up, I knew I NEEDED to, but I DID NOT DO IT.

OK so I could also say that only one of the discussion points in the test was on the area I knew for sure I would be tested on and the majority of it was on something else.

BUT that something else I knew was a area I needed to spend time getting my head around and I could have done it many weeks before as part of ongoing career development. Maybe I am being to harsh and the job simply wasn't right for me. But something tells me there is something else at work..and self sabotage my be it:

This is the mental state that precedes this type of action/self sabotage:

I won't get it anyway,

how will I tell my boss I am giving in my notice

I can't give my notice in now, not now we have this big case on,

what will people think of me,

people will suddenly realise I am ok and can succeed,

my colleagues will suddenly think more highly of me if I get it (I do not know whether they don't think highly of me at the moment, but his is my belief),

how will I spend my pay rise,

I can buy this and that and the other.

How will I cope with the move?

I don't cope well with change/upheaval,

I am took emotionally f*cked up to cope with it,

what if I don't get passed the probationary period in the new place and I end up with no job,

how will I get another job if I have no job

What is I am crap at the new job

What if they are all much better than me and see through me?

What if they think I am sh*t? What if they realise I am sh*t

What will they do when they find out I don't drink?


And then I don't do the bloody preparation.

This has happened to me THREE times now. I get the interview (which is, I am told an achievement in my area), I get the second interview, in one case I got the third interview and drinks with my new potential colleagues, but at the LAST HURDLE I fall. Either because:

I don't appear to be interested enough in the job at the last stage (feedback x2)
I fail to do the necessary preparation (feedback x1)

The question is why do I not seem interested/fail to do the necessary feedback. The answer I think is that I am scared of actually getting a new job and all the uncertainties that that entails.

I only have one half of the part to play. I think in some cases the job genuinely has not been right for me and I have sensed that in my heart and I have not been able to "act as if"

I dunno, but all I know is there is something that stops me from really going for it.

I am capable and I can do this.

External feedback is positive from my current employer.

I need to figure out the block. That what it feels like, something stops me.

I tried two different careers consultants last summer and both helped but neither clinched me the deal.

I am going to try to find some blogs for this type of thing, AA blogsphere has been so helpful maybe there is a blogsphere full of all this type of career related stuff.

One member of the fellowship suggested that maybe I am on the wrong path and my higher power is showing me that. Could be true. I don't want that to be true though, not yet anyway.

I don't want to simply say "it's not god's will" that I have a new job, as I do no feel stimulated by what I am doing and know that there have been times in the past where I have felt stimulated in a work situation so know it IS possible and God wants me to be happy joyous and free so I can not believe it is his will for me to be in a job that doesn't bring out the best in me.

Maybe more will be revealed at some point without me having to strive to find a solution...who knows.

Monday 27 August 2007

Restless, Irritable discontect

This "state" has been creeping up on me again recently. I guidance I have received is pointing in the direction of more step 11. I know in my heart this is what I need to be doing. I need to do more than just "give it away to keep it"; I do a lot of this in the form of helping newcomers and working with sponsees, but it's not enough for me.

I am not one of those people who seem to go through the steps then fall into a relationship, get the new job they wanted or move to another country to start afresh. For all my efforts nothing has changed; I can't seem to get another job (this is the subject of another post-maybe this is showing me I am in the wrong job!!)

I seem to have to work extremely hard otherwise I tend to feel that life is futile, I get a sense of impending doom or futility. I don't wish I was dead or anything, but when I am having a bad "drama queen" day, I sometimes wish I had never been born!!! The times I have explored step 11 stuff, Buddhism to be precise, I seem to have made some progress, so this is what I am going to keep bashing away at.

Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.. I am more of the slow variety but am sure it will come IF i work for it...

Family

My sister has a lot of financial worries at the moment and I feel so guilty and, at the same time, frustrated. I wish I could help her, she is a student and I work full time. It has taken me ages to pay off my student debts and I am slowly slowly getting better at managing my finances. I still have a long way to go in the area though as I have managed to run up some money on my credit card after studying for another qualification. I hate having debts now. It took me so long to get shot of them, but if I am not careful they start creeping up again.

My sister has been a student for the past two years and she is not even guaranteed a job at the end of it. I don't know whether I should be doing something to help. I guess we are both adults, but I feel responsible, even though it has had nothing to do with me.

I am trying to be there for her and not whinge and moan about myself too much, although this a habit of mine which I am trying to stop; whinging and moaning.

Anyway, it's been a bank Holiday here today and my weekend has been been a bit filmtastic:

Bourne Ultimatim: Fantastic
Lady Chatterly: Beautiful and peaceful film..
Also been shopping for work clothes, which I hate.

Thursday 23 August 2007

Knackered

Very tired today after flying and having lots of work to do, it has been exciting as doing something different. Feeling this tired all the time I am sure can't be normal. Trying to drink more water.

Have a new sponsee, who is to my surprise ringing as we agreed. I get a lot out of having sponsees. One of mine has just moved to a different country and she is doing really well. Bless her. Funnily enough she is at step nine and she has moved to the country where most of the people she will need to make amends to are based!

Missed both my home groups this week though as not been in London. Hey ho, not much I could've done about that so I will go to one tomorrow.

I do miss not going to my home groups.

Made a few promises to myself about changing a few things in my life, which I hope to stick to. I have, higher power makes in uncomfortable for me when it's time to change something.

Learning all the time from other people at work, which is great.

Monday 20 August 2007

Missed Flight-lessons learned

I have missed my flight for work stuff, if I had been proactive and done some of the things I meant to do instead of duvet diving yesterday, I would not have missed my flight today (had to buy suitcase and new smart outfit, two things I have been putting off for weeks, two things I thougth about doing, but didn't do yesterday-too busy self obsessing). It is likely that I will now have to make financial amends to my employer as they have had to book me on to another flight.

It's true what they say, pebbles become stones and then boulders if you don't address these issues when they come up instead of sitting on them and procrastinating.

Not booking that dentist appointment, hair cut or buying those important items of clothing all catch up on me and result in ending up going to an interview having just bought an ill fitting suit with a bird's nest on my head.

Yesterday's mistakes have cost me financially and my reputation has taken a knock, missed flight = a bit unreliable.

Oh well, lesson learned and everything makes mistakes I guess.

Missed Flight-lessons learned

Have to travel today for work and have just missed my flight, booked onto the next one at the expense of my employer. Will probably have to settle up myself. Not making a very good impression with my colleagues. Very embarrassed. It was avoidable; I took some extra time because I had to by a case and a new suit, things I have meant to do for a long time, in fact could have done yesterday but was too busy self obsessing, duvet diving and being slothful.

Must not get blow this out of proportion. Everyone makes mistakes. The lesson learned is this: be more proactive, don't leave things to the last minute as what starts off as a pebble will quickly become a stone and later a boulder. Must learn to get that haircut, book that dentist appointment, build up my wardrobe gradually to avoid situations like where I suddenly have an interview and nothing to wear and hair looking like a bird's nest and having to travel to work and having no suitcase and, as a result, missing my flight and having to make financial amends to my employer!!!!!!!!

Sunday 19 August 2007

Having a day "relaxing"=No good for me at the mo.

Remind me never to have a day totally unplanned, today I have done nothing apart from go to the supermarket and I don't feel so good. Thought I needed a day to rest, but I have learnt a valuable lesson, that I should have learnt along time ago "Just for today, I will have a plan, I may not stick to it, but I will have it. This will save me from two pests: hurry and indecision."

I have spent all day in, lounging around thinking about the useful, productive, constructive things I could have filled my day with!!

Lesson learned. For now anyway, until the next time I forget it!!

Thoughts on Sunday

Trying to "do" things at the moment, fixing up a few social engagements, trying to get on with life. Pleased about that.

I have been wallowing in it a bit after seeing that old flame and taking inventory (which is good for me). I am envious of his success and his emotional 'strength.' I am alcoholic and I had a rock bottom, a breakdown or whatever you want to call it.

I thought, because he was a bit of a tosser and drank that I might bump into him in the fellowship and he would see me looking well and having changed and he would be a mess. No, not so, he is an extremely high flyer now and looked tanned and happy. He was not a really bad person. Sponsor said people don't' necessarily get their comeuppance, as life is not always fair, so it is not true to say what goes around comes around.

Chances are I will bump into him again, as he works around the corner from me now. Not a good thing really. Also envious of his professional success, which highlights what I already know: I want to leave my job; I don't enjoy it, I know I am capable of so much more, so I feel frustrated. Even if these interviews don't lead to anything I will have to keep trying, I have no other option. I'm impatient.

I find having a day of not doing things, like today, difficult. Don't find it that easy to have time on my own yet. I think that time alone will be far more pleasurable when I have found my new place. When I can live alone and have my own space.

One of my housemates has been walking up and down the stairs all day today, I do not know why, I just can not understand why someone needs to walk up and down the stairs so many times, it pisses me off. I want to live on my own. I've known that for a long time, so its just putting in the action again. As I write, she has walked up the stairs AGAIN and made loads of noise in her room AGAIN and in just a few seconds she will slam the door AGAIN and walk down the stairs before, in a few seconds/minutes time walking back up the stairs again.

She is also, I think, an alcoholic, drinks a bottle of wine most nights and comes home some nights stupefied to the point of not being able to speak. She also NEVER goes out, I find it astonishing. Actually there is always one person when you house share who NEVER goes out so you never have any time to yourself. I found an antidepressant on the floor the other day so either her or the other one, who has a rally loud voice, which also irritates me, is on them.

Makes me grateful I am no longer on antidepressants, I feel like I am on the right path and I am grateful for that. She's walking back up the stairs again now.........

Not quite sure I want to make my blog like a personal diary, feel a bit exposed. I'm sure I'll figure out a way of blogging to suit me. Not sure why I am doing it really, I don't want it to be about how many comments I get although inevitably It will probably get like that. I don't want to write to get approval or acceptance as that will skew my honesty, but of course, as with all people, I do want to belong.

It's time to move on from that old flame, time to let go. Two years it's been now since we were 'together' if you can call it that and still it is still there, but it will go, I have to believe that.

Wednesday 15 August 2007

The tricks of my mind

My mind plays tricks on me: what I've noticed is that when I am apprehensive or nervous about something, like an interview, my brain prefers not to acknowledge these states or relate them back to the cause i.e the interview. It prefers to pretend that something more catastrophic is happening, I start thinking things like; life is pointless, things will never change, I will always feel like this, why am I even bothering to try, everything is sh*t, my life is futile etc. etc.

It may be some kind of process of attempted "sabotage" that I have heard talked about in AA.

When we think we may get something good come our way, like a new opportunity or a nice man, we can't handle it so we try to destroy it or try to f*ck it up before the new opportunity gets taken away or we get rejected. Like a pre-emptive first strike.

I am now aware of this trickery so I am going to confront it next time and say "thank you very much, but I know that I am just nervous about my forthcoming interview and quite frankly I don't believe a word of what you are telling me." I'll let you know if it works.

My sponsor said to me when I was going through the steps that I needed to learn how to be honest if I wanted to recover. In explaining honest she wrote down on a sheet of paper what sort of things were honest and what was not, like this:

Honest Dishonest

Objective Drama
Exaggeration
Adjectives like always and never: "I will never be happy"

You get the picture. There were loads more words but that is the general idea, I've always remembered those two columns.

We love columns in AA!!!

My job interview went well today, got through to the second round.

Who knows how it will work out in the end but I am trying to Let go and Let god.

Another piece of advice that was given to me was to not try to do too many things at once. I was trying to get a job and a house and do a time consuming course all at the same time but it pays to sometimes just focus on the one thing.

I have a calender at work which has a new slogan on for each day which seems to be tuned into what is going on for me at any given moment. Seriously, it is freaking me out a bit. Anyway, one of the slogans for this week was:

"If you chase two hares at the same time, you'll end up catching neither"

Tuesday 14 August 2007

Coincidences

I walked straight past the guy who dumped me just before I came into AA today, not seen him for two years or so.

we saw each other but it happened quickly and I just walked straight passed. I wish I had stopped now to say hi. He looked well and handsome and happy.

I resented him for a long time.

I am happy he is happy though. I can see how I was too unwell/insecure to have an adult relationship and he didn't have feelings for me, which is fair enough. It bloody hurt though.

Grateful today for
my sobriety,
not smoking,
interview tomorrow,
my job,
salmon,
spinning class,
that I asked a friend to join me for an outing to hear some poetry, my home group tonight
realisation that I need to try to make more effort with people/trust them a bit more/to grow up a bit.

Monday 13 August 2007

Job Interviews

So I have some coming up.

I am scared.

All the "I'm not good enough" comes up. I also know I am not being true to myself in the job that I am in and angry it is taking so long to leave, but I think I know deep down there has been a choice to stay, there have been opportunities which I have not taken: Fear is holding my back big time.

Got to try to have more faith in myself and that my HP will help me through. I find it hard to trust HP still.

Disillusionment on the Spiritual Path

I feel like a bit of a fraud in recovery sometimes. I fake it to make it. I gave a chair last week and tried to make it as positive as possible for the newcomer. That's my job in AA, that was said to me very early on "the purpose of sharing is to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers" and in my early meetings, which were very structured, it was all the 'life keeps getting better and better" type sharing.

That is what I needed; hope and yes the general trend is upward and I am no longer numb or living in my head All the time (still do some of the time), but this doesn't stop me feeling disillusioned, bored, angry, fed up, irritated, disgruntled a lot of the time. The whole catastrophe.

The fact that I feel like this a lot of the time at the moment perhaps is a sign from HP that I am doing something wrong. Or maybe it is because I am under a lot of pressure as I am trying to get out of my comfort zone in my professional life and risking a lot of rejection.

I am NOT going to lie on my blog, to say I am feeling a certain way (i.e happy joyous and free) the purpose for me in blogging is to be HONEST which also means risking rejection in blogsphere. The aim is to be myself and right now I am going through some kind of pain/disillusionment with the spiritual path.

My favourite expression in AA is THE GOOD NEWS IS YOU GET YOUR FEELINGS BACK THE BAD NEWS IS YOU GET YOUR FEELINGS BACK.

Monday Irritations

In a bit of troph at the moment, work very slow but only beacause I am not trying my best, I can pretend a don't care but I do really.

My internet connection is not working properly and I find it incredibly frustrating as no one seems to be able to (a) tell me what the problem is or (b) fix it. There are so many people who do their jobs in a half arsed way. It really p*sses me off. So, these types of things show how intolerant and impatient I am sometimes. I also however do think that a lot of people just don't care about doing their job right.

Bizarrely, in parallel, I feel like a failure today. I very much fall prey to the 'compare and dispair' thing still, I think it is extremely difficult not to do. Most of my peers have bought flats and I haven't so this of course means that I am worthless and crap.

I am withdrawn at the moment. I don't know whether it is a feature of recovery but I feel aimless and directionless.

Keep on. Those were the words I heard in early days. Keep on. When no one has the answer or can't stop you feeling pain, it's just keep on, it gets better.

Tech Problems-It's Nothing Persoanl!

Just has I launch into Blogsphere, my lap top succombs to technical difficulties..It's been in the repair shop for the past week so I haven't been able to check out everyone's blogs and post comments. I am not rude, I just have technical problems so I can't blog very much, except by going to internet cafes after work and meetings which means not very much.

Hope to be back up and running soon...

Wednesday 8 August 2007

Blogshpere

Is so cool, thanks Irish Friend of Bill for mentioning my blog and great to meet you all fellow bloggers. Comments and suggestions really very much appreciated.

Just come from a great meeting, I love it when people you haven't seen for ages comment on how much progress I have made, cause I can't see it sometimes.

I feel so much better today, this too shall pass and all that...

Being a bit negative minded I can see now that I wasn't 'seeing' the NEW friends that I have made over the past couple of years. I have been invited out to loads of BBQs, picnic, music concerts this summer by people I have met recently. I feel a bit faintly surprised when people invite me to things, like they must have made a mistake, but I guess some people do actually like me, which is really cool.

So even though life isn't how I think it should be (i.e I stay friends with the same group) it is still good as there are lots of people I see/email/speak to that make me laugh and feel wanted and feel happy.

It's made me think about the amount of effort I put into relationships; I am very passive; I wait to get invited to things rather than taking the initiate and inviting people to things that I organise. It's fear of rejection, but ultimately a bit self centered. SOOOOOO, I am organising something for next Saturday, I don't know what yet as I am a bit crappy at thinking of things to do at the moment, but I am going to do it. It's cool to be invited out to things.

Meetings are great for making you feel better..funny that..I always forget..bring your body and your mind will follow...!

Sunday 5 August 2007

Friendship

When I was in very early days in AA I ended a friendship which was not working. I had always resented this woman as she is one of those people who seemed to breeze through life, good family life, never worked that hard but always got the better grades, always got the men and it seemed too painful to continue the freindship in recovery.

I made amends to her in step nine. The friedship didn't take off after that point, it is not one of those stories.

A friend of mine has recently done the same thing to me; she has not said it but she no longer asks me out and has, to all extents and purposes ditched me. I did, as I have learnt in AA, find out waht she was thinking by asking her if I had upset her and she said no, she was just very busy with her other friends and her new boyfriend.

So, she no longer sees a need for me in her life. That hurts.

Is this bad karma for me ending a friendship that was not working? Maybe I should have just forgiven my friend and not been so dramatic. Now the same thing is happening to me.


To be honest I still dont really get "we intuitively know how to handle situations tht previously baffaled us." There are still so many situations for which I really want an explanations/answer for which there seem to be none.

Given time maybe I will be more accepting about all this.

Negativity, Relationships and Change

I am customarily negative about most things in my life. I must have developed this way of thinking many years ago as it is deeply engrained and I struggle to change it. So, I was thinking about why I developed it and the answer I think is this: when I was younger I used to be so hopeful that

one day my mum really would give up smoking like she said she would, or my dad wouln't go on anthother bender or my dad really would suddennly get that job he always talked about getting.

Needless to say none of these things ever happened, so I must have decided that being postive and hopeful was wrong as it only led to disappointment.

Now this negativity is less useful, it doesn't really even work when I try to use it so that I don't become disappointed when the date I go on is rubbish or I dont get praised at work or I dont get that new job I wanted. I steill feel disappointed and rejected and I have noticed that most other people are so much more positive than I am and I feel so drained feeling so angry and grumpy and negative.

I am trying to cultivate more open mindedness in my life at the moment, but as usualy it's simple but not easy.