This "state" has been creeping up on me again recently. I guidance I have received is pointing in the direction of more step 11. I know in my heart this is what I need to be doing. I need to do more than just "give it away to keep it"; I do a lot of this in the form of helping newcomers and working with sponsees, but it's not enough for me.
I am not one of those people who seem to go through the steps then fall into a relationship, get the new job they wanted or move to another country to start afresh. For all my efforts nothing has changed; I can't seem to get another job (this is the subject of another post-maybe this is showing me I am in the wrong job!!)
I seem to have to work extremely hard otherwise I tend to feel that life is futile, I get a sense of impending doom or futility. I don't wish I was dead or anything, but when I am having a bad "drama queen" day, I sometimes wish I had never been born!!! The times I have explored step 11 stuff, Buddhism to be precise, I seem to have made some progress, so this is what I am going to keep bashing away at.
Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.. I am more of the slow variety but am sure it will come IF i work for it...
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I don't know what its like for others but AA (on its own) just does not satisfy me. Yeah sure AA has its place, and there are loads of people there that have life skills I do not, but I needed something gentler. More tender, or something, for more healing to take place. AA just seemed a bit 'rough' or something. Too crude. Gawd knows. But I got better answers in lectures I attended by monks and nuns. They were more at peace than the people I met in AA. They taught me to identify an inner stillness, away from the frantic rush to catch up with 'life'. But I like the fellowship in AA too. And the newcomer thing.
I'm not sure if it made my life come together quicker. I was pretty slow too. Took me ? 19yrs to change my career! That's pretty slow! But you drive yourself MAD if you compare yourself to other people. And you have to ask yourself what is REALLY important anyway? I might not have ? flashy jobs, cars, house in the country etc. But I feel very lucky to have the peace of mind I do, and the understandings of how life works. I dunno what's right, but who's to say why our lives work out the way they do? I believe we all have a destiny. A plan.
If you were to judge aa 'success' by how quickly all those 'thing's come together, job, home, relationship, etc. My recovery would be a HUGE failure. Took me a while to get stuck in to those life ? 'skills'. I'm still GRAFTING away at them. Pretty late in the day some might say. So you just have to trust that things happen when they are SUPPOSED to happen and not before. But yeah, we have to drag our ASS out of bed and SHOW UP regardless. Wait for the miracle to happen and all that..
We paddle God steers..
"See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others."
Pg 164
Cool banner dude!!
You cant have that and keep it to yourself, its a given, now that your blogs all suited and booted ready to become a member of the top 100 sober blogs. Its the eigth suggestion. Get in there! Go kick some ass...
http://soberblogs.gotop100.com/
I know AA is not enough for me and, a bit like you, I have felt a sense of comfort and wisdom and, well just that they know what the hell is going on! With the monks, that is.
It's not a bad path to have to follow and whether I like it or not I get a sense that it is the right one for me, otherwise I just feel like shi*e. I have a lot of anger which I need to somehow find a way of relating to and meditation, I feel will help with this.
I do resent having to do more work though and can't help but feel a bit cheated. I am sure going through the steps was the only thing I had to do, or maybe that is just what I wanted to hear. It does say daily reprieve after all..
All credit for banner goes to another fellow blogger who I am sure would rather I didn't mention her name......:-)
Heheh.
Nah. Our work is never done. It could carry on into infinity. Over the course of MANY lifetimes. Nobody gets a 'day off'. NOt even those in the 'Deva Realms'. (Thats one stop away from ? the god realm??) See the 'Heaven Realm' on the Wheel of life page. See? Even THEY don't get to put their feet up..
http://www.buddhamind.info/leftside/actives/w-o-life.htm
It says:
Heavens:
Characterised by- Pride; Complacency; Intoxication
'I've got everything that I want; there's nothing more I need."
The Heaven Realm is one of bliss and pleasure - there is little reason for the inhabitants of heaven to look beyond their comfortable and carefree existence to undertake religious training. Intoxicated by pleasure. they can ignore the harsher realities of life. However, when their good karma is exhausted, they are forced out of heaven to be reborn again - probably in less favourable circumstances.
The Heaven Realm shows that pleasure and bliss are transitory and so, although it looks to be a very desirable place to be, like the other realms it offers no lasting refuge. The Buddha in this Realm plays a musical instrument to rouse beings from their complacency.
AA is just a beginning, like you say, me am finding my feet out of AA, lots of people in all shapes are tecahing me, am trying it all, see what fits as it comes up, nothing goes to waste, have even luuked at abt of judaism recently too. and yeh your banner artist also has a cool banner too :)
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