Thoughts on Sunday

Trying to "do" things at the moment, fixing up a few social engagements, trying to get on with life. Pleased about that.

I have been wallowing in it a bit after seeing that old flame and taking inventory (which is good for me). I am envious of his success and his emotional 'strength.' I am alcoholic and I had a rock bottom, a breakdown or whatever you want to call it.

I thought, because he was a bit of a tosser and drank that I might bump into him in the fellowship and he would see me looking well and having changed and he would be a mess. No, not so, he is an extremely high flyer now and looked tanned and happy. He was not a really bad person. Sponsor said people don't' necessarily get their comeuppance, as life is not always fair, so it is not true to say what goes around comes around.

Chances are I will bump into him again, as he works around the corner from me now. Not a good thing really. Also envious of his professional success, which highlights what I already know: I want to leave my job; I don't enjoy it, I know I am capable of so much more, so I feel frustrated. Even if these interviews don't lead to anything I will have to keep trying, I have no other option. I'm impatient.

I find having a day of not doing things, like today, difficult. Don't find it that easy to have time on my own yet. I think that time alone will be far more pleasurable when I have found my new place. When I can live alone and have my own space.

One of my housemates has been walking up and down the stairs all day today, I do not know why, I just can not understand why someone needs to walk up and down the stairs so many times, it pisses me off. I want to live on my own. I've known that for a long time, so its just putting in the action again. As I write, she has walked up the stairs AGAIN and made loads of noise in her room AGAIN and in just a few seconds she will slam the door AGAIN and walk down the stairs before, in a few seconds/minutes time walking back up the stairs again.

She is also, I think, an alcoholic, drinks a bottle of wine most nights and comes home some nights stupefied to the point of not being able to speak. She also NEVER goes out, I find it astonishing. Actually there is always one person when you house share who NEVER goes out so you never have any time to yourself. I found an antidepressant on the floor the other day so either her or the other one, who has a rally loud voice, which also irritates me, is on them.

Makes me grateful I am no longer on antidepressants, I feel like I am on the right path and I am grateful for that. She's walking back up the stairs again now.........

Not quite sure I want to make my blog like a personal diary, feel a bit exposed. I'm sure I'll figure out a way of blogging to suit me. Not sure why I am doing it really, I don't want it to be about how many comments I get although inevitably It will probably get like that. I don't want to write to get approval or acceptance as that will skew my honesty, but of course, as with all people, I do want to belong.

It's time to move on from that old flame, time to let go. Two years it's been now since we were 'together' if you can call it that and still it is still there, but it will go, I have to believe that.