My mind plays tricks on me: what I've noticed is that when I am apprehensive or nervous about something, like an interview, my brain prefers not to acknowledge these states or relate them back to the cause i.e the interview. It prefers to pretend that something more catastrophic is happening, I start thinking things like; life is pointless, things will never change, I will always feel like this, why am I even bothering to try, everything is sh*t, my life is futile etc. etc.
It may be some kind of process of attempted "sabotage" that I have heard talked about in AA.
When we think we may get something good come our way, like a new opportunity or a nice man, we can't handle it so we try to destroy it or try to f*ck it up before the new opportunity gets taken away or we get rejected. Like a pre-emptive first strike.
I am now aware of this trickery so I am going to confront it next time and say "thank you very much, but I know that I am just nervous about my forthcoming interview and quite frankly I don't believe a word of what you are telling me." I'll let you know if it works.
My sponsor said to me when I was going through the steps that I needed to learn how to be honest if I wanted to recover. In explaining honest she wrote down on a sheet of paper what sort of things were honest and what was not, like this:
Honest Dishonest
Objective Drama
Exaggeration
Adjectives like always and never: "I will never be happy"
You get the picture. There were loads more words but that is the general idea, I've always remembered those two columns.
We love columns in AA!!!
My job interview went well today, got through to the second round.
Who knows how it will work out in the end but I am trying to Let go and Let god.
Another piece of advice that was given to me was to not try to do too many things at once. I was trying to get a job and a house and do a time consuming course all at the same time but it pays to sometimes just focus on the one thing.
I have a calender at work which has a new slogan on for each day which seems to be tuned into what is going on for me at any given moment. Seriously, it is freaking me out a bit. Anyway, one of the slogans for this week was:
"If you chase two hares at the same time, you'll end up catching neither"
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2 comments:
I find step10's keep me in line with exactly whats going on in my head and whats at the root of it. and hepps me be specific. Without step10's I would be angry and afraid all over the shop
Step10's spot check. Especially when theres chnage happening. Its vital!!
I do not want to be an ostrich with my defects, I want to know exactly whats going on. I like the way I feel most of the time, that I can tell you that am afraid and know why, the situation it came up in and what it affects.
I like the fact that I know the truth, well as much as is revealed at any given time. More is always revealed when I continue and improve, step 10 & 11
I dunno, it seems many people dont do step 10's, I find it such a relief as doing it in my head, just knowing is not enough.
Its inventory and prayer I need.
I'm so glad I found your blog today. I identify with a lot of your posts :) Keep on bloggin!
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