When I was in very early days in AA I ended a friendship which was not working. I had always resented this woman as she is one of those people who seemed to breeze through life, good family life, never worked that hard but always got the better grades, always got the men and it seemed too painful to continue the freindship in recovery.
I made amends to her in step nine. The friedship didn't take off after that point, it is not one of those stories.
A friend of mine has recently done the same thing to me; she has not said it but she no longer asks me out and has, to all extents and purposes ditched me. I did, as I have learnt in AA, find out waht she was thinking by asking her if I had upset her and she said no, she was just very busy with her other friends and her new boyfriend.
So, she no longer sees a need for me in her life. That hurts.
Is this bad karma for me ending a friendship that was not working? Maybe I should have just forgiven my friend and not been so dramatic. Now the same thing is happening to me.
To be honest I still dont really get "we intuitively know how to handle situations tht previously baffaled us." There are still so many situations for which I really want an explanations/answer for which there seem to be none.
Given time maybe I will be more accepting about all this.
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About Me
- Determined1
- I stopped drinking on 7 May 2005 at the age of 28 by going to AA meetings, getting a sponsor and doing the steps and trying to do some daily suggestions. My first meeting was in London, Clapham on a Sunday. I have not had a drink or drug, prescribed or illicit, since.
7 comments:
an irish friend of bill made me curious, so here i am...
hope you doing okay there. your buffalo wings and chips made me think. i used alcohol as a diet 'pill'. if i drank i didn't get hungry, that and smoking... nowadays i only smoke. i also picked up a bit of weight, but i'm exercising again, so by summer (hopefully) i'll be back where i want to be. partly because of HALT = avoid being Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. and that does work!
anyway, will pop in again some time. stay well!
I think when our personal (self centred) desires are at the front of our consciousness, then we cannot see the wood for the trees. I only 'see' things when I am trying to use my life for the service of others. Only then is the veil lifted. Otherwise it is a very confusing maze.
The bad karma idea, sounds like a punishing god. Which I do not believe in.
No alcoholic likes rejection. We all hate it. Brings up our abandonment demon!
I find I do not feel like I 'need' friends. I find the more I try to 'give', the more people seem to want a part of my life, so I really like either having time alone, or being with people who uplift and inspire me. Other than that, I have little desire for friendship as such. Yet I enjoy the non committed banter with people at work. Its like I get to have people 'around' yet I am not required to forge great friendships with them. I like that form of 'company'. Its very low-impact. Having said that I feel very connected to people that I very rarely see. I do not need to spend time with them to sustain the friendship. They are just 'there', in the background. I can be social and do the social thing, but I think I value time alone and time with inspiring types mainly.
Like Bono says in Summer Rain: "Its not where you come from, its where you belong"
Perhaps its time to shed a skin. Lose an old life and find a new one. Perhaps the time has come to find new friends. I went through a phase of going clubbing with fellow aa's and some guys from work, which was a LAUGH. Nothing wrong with a bit of clubbing once in a while! You can find spirituality ANYWHERE if you look for it.
Don't worry. Look at friendships as an 'opportunity for service' (without being a martyr) instead of 'What's in this for me?'. Most problems stem from self centeredness. Life is just about service and giving in the end.
I find friendships abit like waves, they come and go, come and go, sometimes a BIG one comes and we have lots going on all of a sudden and then it peeters out. Nothing is permanent, everything is permanently changing, like waves.
Incidently, my birthday weekend, was an interesting time for me and my perceptions of "who my friends are" and "and acceptance" many people (inc family) I would like to wish me well, didnt and many people I didnt expect atall, sent me well wishes in many shapes and forms, some even turned up, more than I expected!!
See, I gave people the invitation for all those people to join me, without expectation and then let go, I really gave freely. Yeh self seeking a little as I hoped people would join me, BUT and its a true BUT, I havent held it against people that havent responded. Yes I do feel and a little suprised and disappointed, and am working towards forgiveness, its me that holds the resentment, see I have to let people be themseves and the world DOES NOT revolve around me and my wants, they have their own reasons. I could call them up and ask them, but you know, I dont really need to know why, and would it really help me if I did know? NO, see, I havent done anything to warrant a complete blank or snub, so I just let them get on with their busy lives, or whatever it is they do, silent or noisy, a few words or complete essay on my blog, friends are friends until they tell me otherwise.
I have thrown away the tick box which says "Do you match up to my idea of a perfect friend?"
I am very grateful for all the friends I saw, and who have wished me well over this last 4 days, and a few are friends I wouldnt have known or mixed with last year, which shows me... I have changed, I have become more relaxed, and I am completely powerless over people and who likes me and wants to spend time with me.
I just get on with the friends that want to be friendly with me AT THE MOMENT and leave the ones that dont. It dont mean we are not friends, it just means that the friendship has taken a different ? flavour.
As for Sunday, I did my own thing and had a great time, with myself and God, doing things I really enjoy, I spent most of the afternoon and evening out, and had the most excellent time.
This is all progress, as its not long ago, that I would have felt very insecure "Billy no mates" and freaky spending time alone. No longer.
I dont need to spend time with people to know I have friends. The more I put into friendships, either actively or leaving people be (which ever is the most right at any given time) the more comfortable I am. When I try to force something, I almost revert back to hostage, needy, and pain in the ass. Thankfully I am not like this much nowadays, in fact hardly ever, thankfully if I am, they just ignore me until I go away again.
Am Glad you posted it, its made me think. ...And acceptace is alwasy the answer P417, and I need to read the step 3, P60 The first requirement... to P62 We had to have Gods help. Remind me who is in charge...
right, am off down the gym
Ps am not in competition here, but I think you should start a "long comment" competition on your blog :)
I'm glad to find your blog. Friendship for me has its ups and downs. I have also recently become distanced from a good friend with whom I used to hang out. We just don't do that anymore. He runs with a different group and I have my own group and things to do. Sometimes things have a way of coming back together though. We aren't out of sorts with each other, just not hanging out anymore. It's okay as I find that I can't maintain too many friendships that are really close.
By the way, the colour scheme is a bit !! tough on the eyes! Poor Kenny has very delicate eyes and so you need to do more gentle colours so he can read your blog properly. Graves disease you see..
And Kenny is COOL.
I am sorry you are going through this, have been here myself... It wont always be like this, something to think about, when God closed a door He always opens a window.
I have learned through trial and error how to be a friend. I am grateful for all the expirences that have taught me this, the good ones always and even the bad, because there I learned a lot more about where I needed to learn and grow and it just took time, where the good ones where learning through the examples, one of the greatest lessons was unconditional love...
Hang in there.
Intuitively knowing how to handle situations that used to baffle us is not necessarily the same as having "explanations" or "answers" (at least IMNSHO). It's having the right action come to mind or the right word to our mouths without any idea of how it got there. It's our Higher Power working through us.
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