THe Concept of Self Sabotage

This is a difficult one. Here's an example:

So I have a second interview at at top firm, I am told before the interview that I will be given a test. I am told roughly what the test will be on. I knew I needed to brush up on this area as it's not something I have dealt with for a while or at all in any great detail.

I, apparently, desperately want to change firms.

So, what do you think I do? Read up on the relevant area? The area I KNOW I will be tested on.

NO. Instead I get some kind of "block". Sure I can say I unexpectedly had to travel for work which took up three whole days and I only got back at about seven the night before the interview which was at 9 am the next morning. True. But could I have done some genning up despite this?

Yes, I had access to the Internet. I did have time in the evenings even though I was tired. I COULD have done the genning up, I knew I NEEDED to, but I DID NOT DO IT.

OK so I could also say that only one of the discussion points in the test was on the area I knew for sure I would be tested on and the majority of it was on something else.

BUT that something else I knew was a area I needed to spend time getting my head around and I could have done it many weeks before as part of ongoing career development. Maybe I am being to harsh and the job simply wasn't right for me. But something tells me there is something else at work..and self sabotage my be it:

This is the mental state that precedes this type of action/self sabotage:

I won't get it anyway,

how will I tell my boss I am giving in my notice

I can't give my notice in now, not now we have this big case on,

what will people think of me,

people will suddenly realise I am ok and can succeed,

my colleagues will suddenly think more highly of me if I get it (I do not know whether they don't think highly of me at the moment, but his is my belief),

how will I spend my pay rise,

I can buy this and that and the other.

How will I cope with the move?

I don't cope well with change/upheaval,

I am took emotionally f*cked up to cope with it,

what if I don't get passed the probationary period in the new place and I end up with no job,

how will I get another job if I have no job

What is I am crap at the new job

What if they are all much better than me and see through me?

What if they think I am sh*t? What if they realise I am sh*t

What will they do when they find out I don't drink?


And then I don't do the bloody preparation.

This has happened to me THREE times now. I get the interview (which is, I am told an achievement in my area), I get the second interview, in one case I got the third interview and drinks with my new potential colleagues, but at the LAST HURDLE I fall. Either because:

I don't appear to be interested enough in the job at the last stage (feedback x2)
I fail to do the necessary preparation (feedback x1)

The question is why do I not seem interested/fail to do the necessary feedback. The answer I think is that I am scared of actually getting a new job and all the uncertainties that that entails.

I only have one half of the part to play. I think in some cases the job genuinely has not been right for me and I have sensed that in my heart and I have not been able to "act as if"

I dunno, but all I know is there is something that stops me from really going for it.

I am capable and I can do this.

External feedback is positive from my current employer.

I need to figure out the block. That what it feels like, something stops me.

I tried two different careers consultants last summer and both helped but neither clinched me the deal.

I am going to try to find some blogs for this type of thing, AA blogsphere has been so helpful maybe there is a blogsphere full of all this type of career related stuff.

One member of the fellowship suggested that maybe I am on the wrong path and my higher power is showing me that. Could be true. I don't want that to be true though, not yet anyway.

I don't want to simply say "it's not god's will" that I have a new job, as I do no feel stimulated by what I am doing and know that there have been times in the past where I have felt stimulated in a work situation so know it IS possible and God wants me to be happy joyous and free so I can not believe it is his will for me to be in a job that doesn't bring out the best in me.

Maybe more will be revealed at some point without me having to strive to find a solution...who knows.