I feel like a bit of a fraud in recovery sometimes. I fake it to make it. I gave a chair last week and tried to make it as positive as possible for the newcomer. That's my job in AA, that was said to me very early on "the purpose of sharing is to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers" and in my early meetings, which were very structured, it was all the 'life keeps getting better and better" type sharing.
That is what I needed; hope and yes the general trend is upward and I am no longer numb or living in my head All the time (still do some of the time), but this doesn't stop me feeling disillusioned, bored, angry, fed up, irritated, disgruntled a lot of the time. The whole catastrophe.
The fact that I feel like this a lot of the time at the moment perhaps is a sign from HP that I am doing something wrong. Or maybe it is because I am under a lot of pressure as I am trying to get out of my comfort zone in my professional life and risking a lot of rejection.
I am NOT going to lie on my blog, to say I am feeling a certain way (i.e happy joyous and free) the purpose for me in blogging is to be HONEST which also means risking rejection in blogsphere. The aim is to be myself and right now I am going through some kind of pain/disillusionment with the spiritual path.
My favourite expression in AA is THE GOOD NEWS IS YOU GET YOUR FEELINGS BACK THE BAD NEWS IS YOU GET YOUR FEELINGS BACK.
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7 comments:
rejection from whom on the blog??
Fear of what people think of me (the great me) would perhaps more describe how I feel when I am brutally honestt and show my ugly self on my blog. Not fear of rejection. But thats just me.
I now give all of me good and bad, people, friends 'awl feckers, all make a choice whether they write and comment in their own unique stylle.
One bloke came on my blog once and was a bit rude, but then I had been giving him unsolicitied advice, and well I just stayed away which is what he asked me to do. Another one, came on my blog and emailed me for a while after with his views on the 12steps, I wasnt the only one... he went away after I asked him too.
I have written some really profound :D posts in the past which have got NO comments and others have got loads, thers no telling whats gonna happen, thats why i like it too. A complete ego puncture and ego massager at the same time.
just say what you like or dont like. Rant it out or write some poetry. Read JJ's blog and you see she dont give too hoots what people think of her. Neither does the lovely Irish 'awl fecker
Nobodys right or wrong its your blog, blog for you, process your thoughts however random or clear they maybe. Feel free to disregard and delete and comments that come your way, or you can even turn the comments off, so no-one can comment... if you like.
Am glad you came back on the blog, I like your posts, and selfishly it always inspires me to splurge all over the shop :)
must go now I have a course to apply for!
I don't think the problem is the disillusionment. The problem is that you are (for whatever reason) making the disillusionment into some kind of problem. You have to ask yourself why that is.
I have many moments of disillusionment. But I do not see it as a problem. That's the difference. I would say you have no acceptance of disillusionment. Also the term disillusionment is 'muddy'. You have to ask what the thoughts (resentments) are that are 'propping it up'. Until you know that, your resentments will always get the better of you.
Same ol same ol. Step 10 issues. Basically.
Well that's what I think.
Also. Regardless of the thoughts. I think the motive behind these 'protestations'. ? Or whatever you call them. Is partly a desire for attention. Or to be attended to. Or 'rescued'. I think that's where a lot of this comes from. Still looking for the surrogate parent or the relationship to 'save' you, or make all the 'bad stuff' go away.
Its all about personal responsibility in the end.
Well that's my 10c. For what its worth.
But who knows. Might be something else. When I first started step 11, the 'world' suddenly looked just so ? 'hollow' and meaningless. So there is some kind of existential angst that kicks in with step 11. Which is a reflection of reality really. The spiritual world IS the real world. The 'secular' world can look like just a bunch of clay shapes sometimes.
It takes a while to get back IN to the 'world' once you start st11, as you can see through a lot of the pointless pursuits.
Whatever. I'm sure you'll figure it out.
Thanks for your comments, it's nice to get them and to leave comments on to discover other blogs too.
Maybe it is a desire for attention, but I reckon that is because I don't think I have ever had that much. Poor me etc. but apart from that it is a fact.
I see other people being 'rescued' or looked after or cherised and that has just not happened for me, not a crime to want some is it? I guess being an adult is letting go of this belief.
Try to stay on the path (one day at a time) which the steps, sponsors, AA, HP has shown you, and you may find you feel less like being or needing to be rescued
I feel loved more now that I let people be, than I ever did when I was desperate. People always let people down, thats why our reliance must be on HP. "Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." p98
Step10's and Step 11 continue and improve
Hmmm.. Fact?
"Get off the cross, we need the wood"
I'm sure you have already worked out by now that facts of any kind are not responsible for our ATTITUDES to things. WE are.
It's no good blaming 'the past' for a s*itty attitude to life or a reason for blaming people, places and things for the way you feel.
Sooner or later you are going to grow out of this. But in the meantime I will NOT give you the ? pity / attention you seem to ?? crave. Gawd knows..
If I crave attention I crave attention, not from anyone in particular, least of all a fellow blogger. I will continue to blog my thoughts and feelings honestly.
It's a SO arrogant to assume that the purpose of someone's blog is to get attention from one person in particular.
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