I think I might be heading towards a point of clarity about my job situation. I feel a bit different. I can not articulate it at the moment, but I feel a may be getting closer to the truth.
Part of what I am feeling is defeat. Surrender. A concession to my inner most self that I can't figure this out on my own???
I do not know.
The words "it was a crushing blow" spring to mind from the Big Book. Maybe I have hit step one in this area. Or maybe I am talking crap. I am tired and getting a cold after all this analysis!
I AM genuiently greatful I am sober today. At least I now have the opportunity to deal with these issues.
I am grateful it's autumn too...I hate summer...maybe that will change one day...and I will be like that rest of the world who adore summer for reasons best known to themselves.
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Thank CHRIST the self pity appears to be on hold. (touch wood) It was getting pretty wearing.
Did you think that after step 9 you would know the answers to everything? ..Or something?
Dear god no. Life is a never !! ending learning curve. If this is what you are beginning to realize, then that can only be a good thing.
Either way, a grateful attitude is infinitely better than what you had before. Regardless of your circumstances.
Yes and it is always an EXTREMELY BAD IDEA to deprive yourself (Why???) from the WEALTH of available experience that is on tap in AA AND out of it. Like Bono says:
"Sometimes you can't make it on your own"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cf0I5c1gmO4
"Tough.
You think you’ve got the stuff.
You’re telling me
and anyone
You’re 'hard enough"
Yeah Right.
Ask for guidance from those who know better next time. Your BEST thinking got you here, remember?
Sooner or later you are going to HAVE to start trusting in the credibility and reliability of other human beings. You cannot be a defensive, untrusting, cynical island forever..
And no, that is NOT the same as wanting to be RESCUED. Trust is a WHOLE other ball of wax.. Much more grown up..
I reckon what you are feeling is Humility. In the sense that you have been "Bludgeoned into Humility by pain and unremitting suffering"
"Part of what I am feeling is defeat. Surrender. A concession to my inner most self that I can't figure this out on my own???"
yep, Light bulb moments, moments of clarity, all a part of surrender
Feeling completely bankrupt, ran out of ideas, big sighs, fists come down, hand reaches for the chair behind, slowly sitting down arms folded huffing and mumbling...Oh God whats happening, my old ideas just cracked open and is disintegrating, is this normal ? OMG what if its not ? am afraid again. Head in hands. Back of hand on forehead, almost in drama queen...
All part of the process, that IS the growth process
Trust the process
You'll be saying next how much it scares you that you didnt see it before. And that you have beat youself up on more than one occasion in the last 24hours for not being able to.
You know what to do, keep doing it.
Continue with the inventory, More honesty, continue with prayers, or start doing them, even though you still think its a pile o shite. Do it anyway until a more reliable suggestion comes up.
I can feel a gratitude list brewing
Teachable - humility - being willing to listen - take advice - follow suggestions - trust - blind faith - being willing to recover in all areas is a selfless act, and very considerate towards others
I cant
He/it can
Let it/him
Consider yourself tagged!
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