Weary but Still trudging the road of happy destiny..

I feel that I have come through something recently. Something has shifted. I was resisting and trying so hard to make things go my way that it just got too painful and I have let go. I have become more teachable.

There have been very clear turning points in my recovery so far. When I first got step one on a certain level, then had another step one moment on a slightly different level.

There have been many step one moments not just with alcohol but in many different areas of my life. About my destructive relationships with men, about the reality of my childhood and the suffering my parents experienced. About my work, about my mental health, about my physical appearance, about my habits around food and caffeine. I expect I will continue to have these. I have heard these moments of clarity described variously as

The scales falling from your eyes

"Spinach in teeth" moments (often accompanied by a gasp of "how could I have thought that/god was I really like that/how could I not have seen that)

Shedding skins

Peeling the layers off an onion

It's all about self discovery and awareness really...

Just now, I am weary. A little jaded. I intend to slow down a little. Make sleep and diet a priority. Strive for excellence in those areas; go to any lengths. I am running on a half a cylinder and I am not prepared to accept that as being good enough anymore. I didn't stop drinking so I could feel tired and sluggish all the time. I want to feel good about my body and what I put into it.

If you want self esteem do esteemable things.

Little things get to me when I am tired.

Like my housemate saying she intends to watch the rugby tomorrow night when she knows my dad is coming to visit. Like the fact that she is always in and I am always out and about and she can't even allow me some time in the house alone with my dad. It's so thoughtless. I am thoughtless too I know I know. I find it so frustrating that she just doesn't go out. Need to take inventory on that, something in me that is triggered by that..need to get to the bottom of it.

When she asked "does your dad like rugby" I said "I don't know", when in fact what I wanted to say was "actually he is not a big fan and I would quite like to have some time in the sitting room with him and my sister, as I rarely get to use the sitting room or have any time to myself in it"

Now I have a resentment against her and she is living in my head rent free. It's like I assume her interest in watching the rugby naturally takes precedence over my right to have some time in a sitting room that I pay rent to use, as she does regularly and I don't.

I feel so uncomfortable being a spineless doormat these days. Yet knowing when I am being one and trying to balance that with being of maximum helpfulness to others, which is what the programme asks of us, is a tough call, one that can only be worked out on a case by case basis.

I have had a good day today, all in, a long running piece of work came to a successful conclusion today and I enjoyed the final negotiations. Job done. Caught the tail end of a meeting too and saw some newcomers filled with hope, which is always good to see. :-)