I think I have maybe been lying to myself all this time about jobs. If I really wanted a new one why did I not really make the effort. What was stopping me?? Was it fear all this time. It's been three years. A year of that time spent going through the steps, a year getting up the courage to seriously apply and a year wasted I guess...
I don't know what it has all been about. Have I not REALLY been trying? Am I too lazy? Am I missing something.
I have missed a lot of opportunities, because I think my head has been in the sand or I have just been plan dishonest about what I want don't want.
Maybe I have been too scared to get out my comfort zone or too lazy??
Step ten, will keep doing it, even though I think it's a pile of sh*te, I know my best thinking got me here and all that.......
One confused/stuck in rut (and wanting to stay there??) person..
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About Me
- Determined1
- I stopped drinking on 7 May 2005 at the age of 28 by going to AA meetings, getting a sponsor and doing the steps and trying to do some daily suggestions. My first meeting was in London, Clapham on a Sunday. I have not had a drink or drug, prescribed or illicit, since.
6 comments:
http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=6628059642693518930&q=Shhhhh...+it+is+a+secret&total=2&start=0&num=30&so=0&type=search&plindex=0
The Secret
Still sounding VERY ! half hearted by the way.
Reminds me of the Harry Enfield 'Kevin' sketch about him having to clean the car..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YJ7a3HGnS1I&mode=related&search=
Sounds to me like you have (on the whole) put your recovery first from alcoholism last year. Trying hard, going at it with huge armour on, and a large stick which you continually beat yourself with.
Putting your recovery first is a good thing. Howver at the same time you spent ALOT of time acting on impatience, self will and selfcentredness. I want and I want it NOW, why cant I have it NOW?" etc etc and "yes, Sobriety isnt enough for me, things arent going my way, I just realised I could have it alot better, cos you wasters seem to have cleaned up your act, so i want it too...NOW waaa"
"I am not prepared to wait for Gods time, God must act in my time, which is now, cos an impatient DETERMIND to get my own way woman!"
I want it BUT on my terms God!
Too scared, too lazy?
I dont think you are lazy.
I think you are afraid. VERY afraid that it (IT BEING ALL THIS STEP10 SH*** and all that working with the HP that you cant see) MAY actually work for you and just maybe you may become the independent, successful, attractive(thats riches of the heart, not property, prestige, financial, and shags) woman that you envy so much in others.
At least you can see you are stuck in a rut.
As for wanting to stay there???
Again I dont think you REALLY want to stay there, NOT REALLY, BUT you will until someone walks you through EVERY STEP to wherever you think life maybe taking you.
That Someone dies NOT exist, its true... someone will always let you down at some point, not be there exatly when you need. Someone will always help when they can, a fellowship will always help in some way, but its not enough. Our reliance must be on HP/God.
In Finding God, we find ourselves.
Keep on with the pile o shite step10's and dont stop!! It breaks down the fear and the sloth and whatever else you think you maybe suffering from.
And by the way, step10's need prayers along side. so Start on with the pile o sh*te praying too, to the pile o sh*te God that loves you just as you are, but loves you far to much to have you stay like this.
God suddenly appeared and said, enough now Johno, its time she had a conversation with me, an honest one, perhaps in them step 10 things you guys do... she could tell me how she really feels, how much she hates and doubts me, how much she thinks I have let her down, how much she is afraid that if she trusts me I will come and help and then let her down again, how she thinks I have let her down in the past as far as things that have happened to her and her family, parents. I want to know how she really feels about me, or how can I help repair whats become damaged between us ? We need have this confrontation. I am an expert in restraint of tongue pen and lightening bolts, and I havent sent the sky falling in since chicken licken (yes it was me), so have pretty much got that one sorted. I am ready to listen to the Determind1......... and go to anylengths to help her out of that rut.
There you go, keep on with the step10's, straight from the Great White Knight himself...
ps. had to come back on, God just told me I misheard him, he said "he didnt drop the sky on chicken licken, it wasnt him. Just a viscious myth... one of many"
When I feel really stuck, it is hard to move... to take the first step towards any action seems impossible! Job decisions are extremely hard.. I do not like my job but I am comfortable here. CHANGE for us alcoholics is SCARY SH*T as you know and BIG change - like a job?!!! Don't be so hard on yourself about it. Is there one small baby step toward job change that you could do that would make you feel like you were moving forward?? Even if it is mentioning that you are "looking" to a friend? Good luck and you'll find your way I promise!
Yes. Both failures of HONESTY.
Welcome to the complex world of DELUSION and DENIAL.
Cunning Baffling powerful huh?
You bet!
Don’t you EVER think you have outsmarted it.
Because you NEVER will.
It will ALWAYS be ‘one step ahead’
‘Without help it is too much for us’
“We HAD to have Gods help’
LISTEN to the voices of the first hundred members embedded in those pages, and LEARN my friend.
Guess what?
There IS no easier softer way.
So get busy.
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