Home Group & Crazy People

Very mad person in our meeting tonight, felt a very unsettling vibe in the meeting, it was palpable from when the meeting started.

Drunk, of course, but very mad and aggressive too. He left thank god after someone insulted him and half the meeting left to watch them fight outside. I think it petered out, but God what a nightmare!! That meeting some weeks is so fantastic and others it is just completely CRAZY.

There was a guy from one of the "strong" meetings we have here in London, shares the message (no matter how repetitive and scripted it sounds) and has that sparkle in his eye. You know the type, the one you see and think yeah THAT's why I want to start doing the suggestions more so that I feel GREAT and energised and light.

Well anyway, he was there and of course I, having been secretary at that meeting for nearly a year, feel like it is MINE, it belongs to me, it's success is down to me and if it goes badly it is down to something I have done wrong. Self Centredness, pride, dishonesty, arrogance.

Lo and behold however just as I am thinking he will be really impressed with ME and MY MEETING (which of course is bullshit as the meeting has been going on for years Before Moi (BM), it's COMPLETELY CRAZY.

Home groups for me though have been the foundation of my recovery. It has given me consistency and a sense of "belonging" to a group and giving me a purpose in that group (washing up, greeting, putting up the signs, hoovering and now secretary). I have changed both mine since my early days, the ones I went to first were VERY structured and rigid and that is what I felt most safe with.

The chaos of some of the more crazy meetings I couldn't handle as I felt too fragile. The guys were so kind and really were very sexually restrained (good male sponsorhip) so it felt safe. I felt very uncomfortable around men for a long time. I still do sometimes. I guess this is all just learning to be comfortable in my own skin.