I think this plays a big part in my life at the moment; fear of change and actually becoming a mature, responsible woman.
Fear of striking up friendships in case they go wrong. Fear of getting close...to anyone really. Fear of changing. Fear of what I will be like if I stop being so resentful. Fear of feeling sad. Fear of all sorts of things.
Fear of working the programme in all my affairs in case it doesn't work for me. Fear of my dad growing old. Fear of not changing. Fear of being kind and generous. Fear of being good at my job. Fear of being friendless. Fear that my heart has turned to stone. Fear that I am mean spirited. Fear that I will be left behind.
At the same time, I am sick and tired of:
Being a victim
Being negative
Not trusting anyone
Thinking other people are lying/are shit/don't like me/don't want me around
Thinking I am shit at everything
Thinking I don't deserve to be happy
Not enjoying life to the full!!
Striving so hard that I make myself physically burn out
Feeling so anxious my chest feels like it has a ball of tension stuck inside it
Trying to figure stuff out on my own
Thinking I am special and different
Thinking God hates me
Not being the best daughter or sister I can be
Feeling left behind in AA
Losing perspective; not seeing the good
Being how I am at the moment!!!
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About Me
- Determined1
- I stopped drinking on 7 May 2005 at the age of 28 by going to AA meetings, getting a sponsor and doing the steps and trying to do some daily suggestions. My first meeting was in London, Clapham on a Sunday. I have not had a drink or drug, prescribed or illicit, since.
6 comments:
Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.
veing a victom of what ?
Being negative, is a vague statement.
Not trusting anyone. Anyone? No I woudnt trust the plkumber with the car, or mechanic with the taps, perhaps? you are expecting too much off ov people?
Thinking other people are lying.... no mind reading or assumtions. Knowing other people are lying is different to thinking they are.
Why are you hanging round people you think are shit? I am sure I wouldnt want someone hanging round me if they thought I was shot, I dont need to be patronised!
Are you really so bad that you dont deserve to be happy ?
Not enhoying life to the full? this takes time and WORK not employed work, Gods work, action, in all areas of life.
Striving so hard, self will is not enough... use the tools step10's prayer, ask for help in each area.
Feling so anxious... ask God to love you, and to remove your fear, ask like you mean it and you honestly want it, keep asking, if you really mean it, no let up, keep asking, keep asking...
Figire... well stop then
Special and different... from who? a cat ? yes, other humans, nope
God hates you ? what are you basing this on ? Proof
Not being the best... put in the action, step 10, and pray ask what corrective measure you need to take, and take them, look around at people who are being the best bros and sisters and see what the do. Ask God to show you how you would like to be, and do it.
Feeling left behind... It works if you work it
Stop comparing you insides with other peoples outsides.
Losing perspective... more step 10's on all areas
Not seing the good... more gratitude lists every day, start in the morning, add to at lunch, finish in the evening... until you feel better
Being how I am at the moment!!
There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.p58
Do not be discouraged.
Less thinking, more action
Less vagueness, more Step 10's more step 10's and prayer, and practice principles in all affairs
http://johnojohno.blogspot.com/2007/09/aim-for-perfection-settle-for.html
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will ALWAYS materialize if we work for them.p84
there are no days off!
Trust me, actually becoming a mature, responsible woman IS THE EASIER SOFTER WAY... and its so much more fun!! I crossed the line and now i dont want to go back!
Age doesnt equal maturity, I feel younger and more alive than I did when I was 30, more responsible and am maturing rather welll I think!
Life has more meaning and purpose, and its exciting. This didnt happen with age, this happened with recovery, as the result being willing to GROW and keep growing, tree like, branching out in all areas, as the result of these steps.
No need to be afraid, you are in safe hands, no need to live in the brace position anymore, stand up and have a look around :)
Trust God, clean house, help others
Oh yeh, by the way you will also die at some point, just like me. While I spend time being afraid of people dying, I am missing out on the present moment with them, enjoy each moment with family and friends, nurture, grow the good relationships with people you like and enjoy every moment
I have moments when I see how fragile and uncertain life is, however, I notice when am doing it and pray for the fear tobe removed. The truth is I am completely powerless of when you and me will die!
Stop worrying and enjoy those people in your life, having good friends and family and are a gift, not a right (in my opinion) and to maintain these relationships takes effort, and forgiveness, willingness, Faith, Love and compromise.
Nothing and no-one lasts forever.
Your comfort zone is MISERY. Yeah. Like the Film of the same name.
You have to get OUT of your comfort zone, into some UNCHARTED TERRITORY. The world of 'happy joyous and free'. The world of 'comfortable in my own skin'.
Yeah its scary, and uncertain.
Like Bono says in Zooropa
"And I have no compass
And I have no map"
But its the ONLY way.
Like he says in Zooropa
"Don't worry baby, it'll be alright
You got the right shoes
To get you through the night
It's COLD outside, but brightly lit
Skip the subway
Let's go to the overground
Get your head out of the mud baby
Put flowers in the mud baby
OVERground"
See this Zooropa vid. GREAT edit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9t11VmC3n2w
And I have no compass
And I have no map
And I have no reasons
No reasons to get back
And I have no religion
And I don't know what's what
And I don't know the limit
The limit of what we've got
Don't worry baby, it'll be alright
You got the right shoes
To get you through the night
It's cold outside, but brightly lit
Skip the subway
Let's go to the overground
Get your head out of the mud baby
Put flowers in the mud baby
Overground
No particular place names
No particular song
I've been hiding
What am I hiding from?
Don't worry baby, it's gonna be alright
Uncertainty... can be a guiding light
I hear voices, ridiculous voices
In the slipstream
Let's go, let's go... overground
Take your head out of the mud baby
She's gonna dream up
The world she wants to live in
She's gonna dream out loud
Yup, me too. What you just described is my natural state. It takes something supernatural to help me break out of it.
My sponsor recently shared this with me, so I will share it with you too:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God - your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not in just some of us. It is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-- Marianne Williamson
It's not about us -- it's about God and everyone else.
Keep taking correct actions, keep doing the next right thing.
Wow - I really relate right now to what you have described in this post!
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