New Year

I had a relaxing Christmas in my home town and a fun new year with some friends I made last year.

I got back to London on Tuesday night and immediately felt exhausted the next day. I didn't sleep at all last night and ate crap food today so I feel shit. I went to a meeting last night which I enjoyed and went to my home group tonight and felt out of place.

There seems to be a bit of a clique now which I am not part of. There are also quite a few thin, glamrous well dressed women and I felt shit about my own body and my own clothes even though I spent a lot of money on a coat last month.

I am not fat but I did overindulge over christmas and I have not yet been able to get back to the weight I was when I was drinking and I ate being overweight, as I am not a tall person so it shows.

I just can't seem to stop the crappy food habits late at night and the puddings. I need a plan of action.

There are some really horrible photos of me on facebook where I look disgustingly ugly. I am not ugly though, it is just some photos are awful. UGGGG.

So, I feel shit about myself today. I have days where I think I am quite attractive and then I see a photo and think what was I thinking.

I want to swim, run outside, play squash and tennis, do yoga and meditation and I keep saying I will do them and don't.

It's the lack of control I hate most about the chocolate etc.

I am toying with the idea of giving up sugar as other women in AA have done but do not have faith in myself that I would be able to do it.

I don't like living where I am at the moment. I want to feel settled somewhere. I just feel like I am lodging in a room and have to answer to people I hate sharing a house and I hate the fact that I can not see through my goals.

Hopefully, all this is because I am just tired.