Tuesday 24 July 2007

Sobriety/Getting Fat-is one the corollary of the other?

I genuinely thought before I arrived in AA that everyone would be thin. So obsessed was I with my weight and being slightly body dismorphic (I look back at photos and I was soooooo thin) that I was convined at that point that weight issues and unrequited love were my only issues (how wrong I was).

Anyway, the point is I am fatter now than I was in my drinking days.

Maybe this is because my body is going through some sort of relaxations through the process of healing. I held so much tension in my body that I was not even aware of. The tension over the last few months has been rising up through my body and dissipates in my chest and sometimes reaches up to my throat and feels like it is going to erupt out of my mouth. I also get really powerful waves of pure anger rising up through my body, they are like pure sheets of white engery...sounds strange but that is what they feel like. It feels like these are repressed emotions that are coming up for air.

The point is that I am fatter than I want to be and blow me down it is not the stella that is causint it as I don't drink stella anymore or any alcohol for that matter. Maybe is the buffalo chickent and fries.

I don't operate effectively when I am sluggish and putting crap food into my body; I am not being as useful to others as I could potentially be if I were operating as a finley tuned machine so this is my focus from now on.

It might help me attract a few more members of the opposite sex too....

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems

I have come to the conclusion that life is easier for men. They can age and get fat yet still attract the most fair, beautiful members of the opposite sex. This is not fair. Life is not fair and I need to accept that fact, specifically in relation to this gender inbalance in life. Maybe I am wrong about this, but as far as I can make out from my observations about life the world revolves around sex.

This conclusion has been brought about by the recent spat of babies at my office, at weddings were my contemporaries are currently to be found and the fact that there are just SO MANY people in the world.

Due to my lack of close contact with the opposite sex during my two years or so abstinent from alcohol my perceptions as to the frequency with which other people (or EVERY ONE ELSE EXCEPT ME as the thought actually runs in my head) are having sex are heightened, perhaps unusually so. Every person that I see is the result of two people having lots of pleasurable and thorougly enjoying acts of making love.

During my recent musings as to the purpose of life it seems that one such purpose is to pro create i.e have lots of sex. This is the purpose of life and yet I am not furthering this purpose at all. Perhaps this is why I feel so purposeless in life, like a leave driting in the wind with no descernable aim.

So the world revolves around sex and men are able to get more of it, they get hurt less when they shag around and have no risk of unwanted pregnancies. Women become spent as soon as they get a bit chubby/matronly/grey.

This is a fact. I am past being convinced that it is not. The world favours the young and the beautiful. Accepting this fact is painful, but it is the answer.

Monday 23 July 2007

Buffalo wings and fries

I can't believe I have just ordered that, that's what I like about recovery/life, so many good intentions...

Step away from the bar

Gratitute: friendly staff, buffalo wings and fries, wifi, sobriety, not smoking even at times of extreme stree, caffeine, american mock court room tv shows (there are, like, soooo many), stretching, pillows, rain, sweets and e numbers.

Friday 20 July 2007

Doing things properly v thinking you are doing them properly but not

Doing this project has really shown me how focused I can be and how sharp my mind can become IF I put my mind to it.

For the past couple of years my mind has been in a kind of foggy hazzy messy kind of state whereby I don't actually get much done and procrastinate and kid myself that I am doing stuff when I am actually only making a half arsed attempt.

Maybe this is part of getting older or maybe just not having devised enough strategies to get my butt out of bed and head out of the clouds/fantasy land

(yes, I still do that a bit "living in my head" as we call it in AA. I do this particularly when at work as I often feel lonely and will fantasize that I have a friend next to me or a handsome man when I leave the office to go to the bank. I need to find more constructive ways of dealing with and managing my feeling of isolation at work, but I digress...)

what was I saying......oh yes, basically I CAN do things when I put my mind to it, the problem is developing ways of putting my mind to it more often..suggestions welcome.

Things to be grateful for today: SOBER FOR OVER TWO YEARS :-), no fags today, doing a gratitude list today as not done one for weeks, nearly at end of my course, feeling settled where I live, rain, sunshine, supportive family, health, technology,nail varnish, one reader of my blog,tea, tea, coffee, coffee, coffee......

Seeing things through to the end

I have been ensconsed in my room for the past week putting in the action (and believe me it is a lot of action) necessary to complete a project that I first started in 2004. Needless to say I didn't complete it at the time and little did I know at that point that seven months later I was to wind up in AA.

So, anyway I never completed it. So, even though I have moaned, whinged and not actually given it my full attention (to be a subject of another posting) I am flying off to the other side of the Atlantic to complete the dam thing tomorrow morning.

Anyway, I have just stayed in my room and totally focused on this one thing and it is hard to believe that it is actually going to come to an end-this time next week it will be over.

I haven't really done ANYTHING towards my programme. That's inaccurate (part of my attempt to be more honest is to stope exaggerating) as I have spoken to sponsees and given one instructions on doing her step nine (a lot of doubt there-am I passing on what was passed onto me accurately?? I hope so)

Anyway, I feel alright and glad that I am seeing this through to the end.

YEAH!!!!!!!!

SOMEONE HAS READ MY BLOG

THANKS JOHNO........:-)