Altered Attittude & Honesty

Ok so, maybe I got it wrong about that guy the other night. A bit of honesty has helped to achieve a more balanced view of what REALLY happened that night (see Blog post: "Nice Bloke, Shame about me"). That and talking it through with my girl friends in AA.

Ok, so I did turn up half an hour late to his birthday meal and left the evening early without really spending much time talking to him (clearly, I was scared he would go off me if he got too close to me/got to know me, but I can see how this could have been interpreted by him as rudeness/lack of interest).

Before that I did wait until replying to his text until the day after he sent it and was a bit non committal when I replied (busy this weekend, maybe next).

My belief that he would not be/is not/might have been interested but isn't anymore is SO compelling that I have almost lied to myself about the evening. I am so convinced I am getting REJECTED outright most of the time that I do get REJECTED.

I can see now why this is happening, the lack of confidence/fear of rejection/ice queen barrier I have in place to prevent myself from being hurt comes across as INDIFFERENCE, lack of enthusiasm and, sometimes, just plain rudeness.

As usual this is pushing me outside my comfort zone to really entertain a different view (an entirely different angle) other than my cozy, familiar 'I'm crap' line, but it really might be true.

SO, as suggested by the girls in my AA meeting tonight I shall send text him tomorrow telling him it would be lovely to see him again and ask him to text/call me. Communicate clearly.

If he doesn't call, I have lost nothing as I am already feeling the pain of rejection. If he does call I will have proved a pet theory wrong.

Even if we are wrong and he really isn't interested, I am going to keep challenging the negative beliefs. They are holding me back. Clearly I still have extremely low self esteem.

I need to sort that out!

Resentment & Communication Skills & 'knowing the whole story': Related!

The more effectively I communicate the less resentment I seem to harbour. I still get A LOT of resentments don't get me wrong, but I have realised recently that if I communicate my point or my concern AT THE time instead of allowing thoughts/feelings of being put down/wronged the less the resentment controls me. The less it festers.

This is taking practice, because it is difficult to work out whether it is best to say something or bite my tongue, but I am sort of beginning to get the 'feel' for it now. The way this has come about is through MISTAKES, or what I perceive to be mistakes at the moment anyhow. Mistakes in the form of upsetting people, mainly.

I might in six months time look back on those mistakes and not see them as mistakes at all. I often do that, automatically assume I am at fault.

Again, it's hard work because of course often I AM at fault.

There are no blanket rules to be applied that is why life is tricky I guess. The Rules are there are no rules, as my ex-sponsor used to say.

Also knowledge/information seems stop the resentment, the self centredness element of it at least. If I know half the story the belief that the offending comment/action can be very compelling.

Example, landlady asks lodger to move out and lodger takes it personally (it is an alcoholic lodger :-)). Lodger gets angry, resentful, feels picked on.

Lodger later finds out that the landlady wanted a new lodger to make it easier for her to increase the rent. This piece of information pierces the resentment and it is no longer as painful as it was when the 'whole picture' was not apparent.

If I really work on my self centredness I will probably be relieved of all this anger/hatred.

(note the lack of faith in my higher power-it is me doing it alone. Jees, when am I ever going to have a loving concept of a HP who I can hand this stuff over to!!

Nice Bloke shame about me

A friend of a friend said he quite liked me.

As usual, my expectations were too high. He asked me out by text I replied but he never took me. He invited me to his birthday, but I felt he didn't pay me enough attention. I felt awkward around him. If I got to close he would see that I wasn't as attractive as he thought. It was darker in the bar were we met last time.

Now he sees me in the light he has gone off me.

A friend tells me he really fancies me. I don't believe her. Then I do believe her but thinks she has spoken to him before the night began, now it is the middle of the night, he has spoken to me and decides he doesn't like me anymore.

He has regretted inviting me.
I am making him feel uncomfortable.
He wants me to go so he can start to enjoy himself and not feel constrained by having me there. I am spoiling their evening.

I leave.

I am sure he is breathing a sigh of relief as my back turns. He texts me in the morning. Hope you got home safely, thanks for coming out, see you soon.

See, I knew he didn't like me.

Thanks for coming fatty, I won't be asking you again, but I will end it politely. That is what he is really saying. Not good enough love. Don't bother me again.

I wish I had never gone. It's all pointless. He saw through me. I knew I saw him looking at me funnily, saying to me in his head

'I see you now and I see you are strange, not attractive,
overweight and I can see you have emotional/mental problems,
I am a doctor after all.
I bet you have no friends.
You are an outsider.
You don't belong here.
It was a mistake that I invited you.
I sent a text to my whole phonebook and you were in it. I forgot that.
I meant to delete you first.'

I read the text again. It makes me feel crap.

Anger Getting worse

I am kind of annoyed that I am sober nearly two years yet my emotional problems seem to be getting worse. Lashing out all the time at everyone, pretty much. Someone told me what they thought of me and my behavoir today and it was very complementary.

He has seen the true me over the past 22 months, the paranoia, the blaming others, the attacking. I told him that I really genuinely felt that people were looking down at me/attacking me/getting at me and that is why I lash out. He asked if I had low self esteem. I said yes. He said he didn't believe me.

I have lashed out, been a cow and not thought of how my actions have affected others. I have pushed and pushed and people have finally left me.

This may be a self conscious desire to be alone. I don't trust anyone. That is the honest truth. I expect the worse and don't see any good in people. My actions have come to fruition; I am alone.

Time to Dance

I want to do so much but I get so tired these days (I am only 30-surely I should have more energy?). So much indecision dominates my thinking, I must be lacking in faith at the moment or something like that because I just get a pull to do one thing over another. I am still getting to know myself so I suppose that is partly the reason. Now that life is getting busier I am going to have to decide what my priorities are.

One of those at the moment is to meet new people and to dance. I like dancing. I genuinely enjoy myself and get 'lost in the moment' which rarely happens given that my thoughts are relentless and are still dominated by my 'inner critic' i.e I'm crap/everyone hates me/everyone is better than me /if only they just listen to me mindset.

I also like having an evening out with structure, which dance classes have. I hate going out for sparkling waters and just standing around with lots of noise. I always think that the person I am talking to is the least interesting person and I must speak to the other person in the corner, then the first person suddenly seems interesting when I am not talking to them.

Anyway, do I live for the moment and go out to my dance class even though I am exhausted. I didn't go today and regretted it. Taking one option teaches me something. I felt uncomfortable missing it so I will be much more certain next week about what I will prioritise: the dance class.

Everything for me over the past couple of weeks has been high drama/chaos and a big deal. No one likes me; colleagues hate me; change jobs/stay in job; move flat/leave flat (where will I go?!); hate housemates; course at weekend/no course at weekends/when am I going to fit my sponsees in to read step five amongst all this!!

Anyway, time to cultivate some gratitude:

I am sober
I am not smoking
I am alive
I am financially independent
I have a roof over my head
I have done a full day's work

Time to stop being a drama queen and hand it over to my Higher Power.

I still don't really have a loving concept of a higher power and I still don't really get this 'handing it over' in practice.

Don't drink go to meetings and hopefully I'll get it!

Speak up or Restraint of Tongue and Pen

So when do I speak up for myself and practice honesty and when do I practice restraint of tongue and pen? I can say that in the past my strategies have not been healthy ones. My habit is to either explode after having not said anything when I wanted to or to make a valid point but to do it in an attacking way. Or, of course, just to rant.

My problem at the moment is that I feel very uncomfortable around certain people, usually I can detect when they are putting me down or making subtle derogatory remarks. Often however I am wrong! It's in my head. Anyway, the point is that I feel uncomfortable around certain people, real or imagined.

This week it is woman in recovery who came into recovery about the same time as me. I just don't like her. I just don't. She puts me down, very subtly, but she does. Do I trust my perception or is it just in my head? It may be a bit of both, but I will never know. The problem is that I can not yet just accept that I do not click with her and focus on others whose company I enjoy more. I get so angry and feel compelled to tell her all the things that I think are wrong with her. I didn't on this occasion but I felt compelled to and she is still 'living in my head rent free.'

Anyway I guess the solution is not to hang around with her. But then what if I end up alone? An ex sponsor said "just do what makes you feel comfortable" my current one says I may well end up alone if I just stay away from anyone who slightly annoys me (sorry to say that a lot of people do annoy, most in fact).

Tricky.

I think the solution may well be to learn more effective communication skills so that I can respond to 'put downs' and snide comments on the spot in a mature and measured way. This requires an ability to work out what is paranoia and what is real, which I am still not very good at. Trying to see her sickness and cultivate compassion would be the killer blow, but I find it difficult to cultivate compassion for very arrogant types (like this woman). Those who have a lot of work to do but can't see it and judge others instead.

Lost Blog

I have lost my password for my blog Progress not Perfection so am having to create a new one. I have clicked on the forgotten password thing but it links me to a blog I half set up and not to the one that was in full swing. I am so annoyed I was really pleased with that blog.

Living in the Solution at Work

I had a conversation with my boss yesterday and I told him I thought people in the team were excluding me. When I said it out load I immediately knew it was largely my paranoia and I wish I hadn't said anything. Then I actually felt glad that I had said it and so it he. It was something that was troubling me and as he said, perception is as important as reality. When he asked me for examples as to why I felt excluded I was left with saying it was just a feeling. Feeling aren't facts. This is true, but there are situations in which these feelings accurately reflect the reality of the situation. Instead of immediately falling in the habitual routine of criticising myself for saying the wrong thing I saw that life is not black and white and is complex. He didn't dismiss my concerns he wanted to find a solution, so we came with one and we are meeting again on the 18 April to see if things improve. So there ARE solutions. I don't have to fester in resentment for the next year as I have done the last two vis a vis the situation with my colleagues.