Denial-It's Not a River in Egypt!!

I did a chair tonight at my home group and it struck me when listening to some of the sharing back that I had focused the entirety of my share of alcoholism on my dad's alcoholism not my own!!! I had never really appreciated that I had done that before.

I get so frustrated with HIM when he focuses on drinking patterns of his alcoholic friend, but I am doing exactly the same thing by focusing on HIS alcoholism and not MY OWN.

It's like I "got" step one on an emotional and mental level but I am still firmly entrenched in denial about my own drinking habits. Sure, they did not progress to the extent that some have known, but they were dangerous, out of control. I do not mean by this that I still have an obsession to drink because I absolutely know that I do not. That obsession left me very early on in my time in AA.

I can only clear my side of the street. I have tried to make my dad go to AA, go to Al annon, read the Big Book but he won't. His denial is too thick. I am completely powerless over this and think I may have reached the point of "throwing in the towel" on that issue.

(Reminds me of one of those AA sayings I heard fro the first time the other day "Throwing in the towel, but holding onto the corner" Hehee I liked that one)

As my sponsor said to me when he had his last bender, I am NOT that important and DO NOT make him drink (although this was a line he used to take when I was younger, bless his heart) or CAUSE him to drink. I simply do not have that much power. There is a god and I am not it. That does not mean that I do not continue to try to be the best daughter I can be, despite my frustrations with him and, anger. I am trying to cultivate compassion here and have made progress, but this is a tough one. Still, it's doable I am sure!!

I will check out Adult Children of Alcoholics soon...when I have some more time!!!

I also seem to have more acceptance around the fact that it's taking me a bit of time to catch up with my non alcoholic peers. I have a long way to go in terms of my ability to form relationships and to trust and to make friendships, but I will get there in the end.....

As one of my sponsors used to say when I asked HOW...it takes HARD LABOUR..:-) For me, this is about trying to suspend my disbelief when people say there lives keep getting better and better the more they practice these principles in all their affairs (and not throwing so many tantrums :-))

Goos luck to those of you embarking on those legal courses/new term. You know who you are.

Fear

I think this plays a big part in my life at the moment; fear of change and actually becoming a mature, responsible woman.

Fear of striking up friendships in case they go wrong. Fear of getting close...to anyone really. Fear of changing. Fear of what I will be like if I stop being so resentful. Fear of feeling sad. Fear of all sorts of things.

Fear of working the programme in all my affairs in case it doesn't work for me. Fear of my dad growing old. Fear of not changing. Fear of being kind and generous. Fear of being good at my job. Fear of being friendless. Fear that my heart has turned to stone. Fear that I am mean spirited. Fear that I will be left behind.

At the same time, I am sick and tired of:

Being a victim

Being negative

Not trusting anyone

Thinking other people are lying/are shit/don't like me/don't want me around

Thinking I am shit at everything

Thinking I don't deserve to be happy

Not enjoying life to the full!!

Striving so hard that I make myself physically burn out

Feeling so anxious my chest feels like it has a ball of tension stuck inside it

Trying to figure stuff out on my own

Thinking I am special and different

Thinking God hates me

Not being the best daughter or sister I can be

Feeling left behind in AA

Losing perspective; not seeing the good

Being how I am at the moment!!!

Weary but Still trudging the road of happy destiny..

I feel that I have come through something recently. Something has shifted. I was resisting and trying so hard to make things go my way that it just got too painful and I have let go. I have become more teachable.

There have been very clear turning points in my recovery so far. When I first got step one on a certain level, then had another step one moment on a slightly different level.

There have been many step one moments not just with alcohol but in many different areas of my life. About my destructive relationships with men, about the reality of my childhood and the suffering my parents experienced. About my work, about my mental health, about my physical appearance, about my habits around food and caffeine. I expect I will continue to have these. I have heard these moments of clarity described variously as

The scales falling from your eyes

"Spinach in teeth" moments (often accompanied by a gasp of "how could I have thought that/god was I really like that/how could I not have seen that)

Shedding skins

Peeling the layers off an onion

It's all about self discovery and awareness really...

Just now, I am weary. A little jaded. I intend to slow down a little. Make sleep and diet a priority. Strive for excellence in those areas; go to any lengths. I am running on a half a cylinder and I am not prepared to accept that as being good enough anymore. I didn't stop drinking so I could feel tired and sluggish all the time. I want to feel good about my body and what I put into it.

If you want self esteem do esteemable things.

Little things get to me when I am tired.

Like my housemate saying she intends to watch the rugby tomorrow night when she knows my dad is coming to visit. Like the fact that she is always in and I am always out and about and she can't even allow me some time in the house alone with my dad. It's so thoughtless. I am thoughtless too I know I know. I find it so frustrating that she just doesn't go out. Need to take inventory on that, something in me that is triggered by that..need to get to the bottom of it.

When she asked "does your dad like rugby" I said "I don't know", when in fact what I wanted to say was "actually he is not a big fan and I would quite like to have some time in the sitting room with him and my sister, as I rarely get to use the sitting room or have any time to myself in it"

Now I have a resentment against her and she is living in my head rent free. It's like I assume her interest in watching the rugby naturally takes precedence over my right to have some time in a sitting room that I pay rent to use, as she does regularly and I don't.

I feel so uncomfortable being a spineless doormat these days. Yet knowing when I am being one and trying to balance that with being of maximum helpfulness to others, which is what the programme asks of us, is a tough call, one that can only be worked out on a case by case basis.

I have had a good day today, all in, a long running piece of work came to a successful conclusion today and I enjoyed the final negotiations. Job done. Caught the tail end of a meeting too and saw some newcomers filled with hope, which is always good to see. :-)

People

..are actually quite nice. I sometimes feel a warmth towards other people. I don't think I have often experienced it...Just random people, like the personal trainer in the gym or the girl who did my highlights tonight at the hair dresser. Just little things about them made me smile.

Weekends

I feel less lonely during the weekends. I used to feel so LONELY and adrift when I first stopped drinking and came into recovery.

Now I feel less lonely, but I still seem to find myself drifting a bit at the weekend. I don't seem to like committing myself to plans in case something better comes along, but then end up having gaps where I am not with people I feel lonely and friendless.

I do not feel like I have that many friends at the moment. I am very independent in many ways, but I need to have a look at my social life, make some changes.

Other people seem to talk about themselves so much and not even notice I am there. I get a bit disappointed by other people sometimes and wonder why I bother to try. I don't seem to fit in anyway or be noticed. What do these people do when they are alone? Continue to bang on about themselves?? They may aswell, why does it matter if no one is there!

I am tired today. Always tired. I can't seem to get the balance right at the moment. Will keep on keeping on though.

Home Group & Crazy People

Very mad person in our meeting tonight, felt a very unsettling vibe in the meeting, it was palpable from when the meeting started.

Drunk, of course, but very mad and aggressive too. He left thank god after someone insulted him and half the meeting left to watch them fight outside. I think it petered out, but God what a nightmare!! That meeting some weeks is so fantastic and others it is just completely CRAZY.

There was a guy from one of the "strong" meetings we have here in London, shares the message (no matter how repetitive and scripted it sounds) and has that sparkle in his eye. You know the type, the one you see and think yeah THAT's why I want to start doing the suggestions more so that I feel GREAT and energised and light.

Well anyway, he was there and of course I, having been secretary at that meeting for nearly a year, feel like it is MINE, it belongs to me, it's success is down to me and if it goes badly it is down to something I have done wrong. Self Centredness, pride, dishonesty, arrogance.

Lo and behold however just as I am thinking he will be really impressed with ME and MY MEETING (which of course is bullshit as the meeting has been going on for years Before Moi (BM), it's COMPLETELY CRAZY.

Home groups for me though have been the foundation of my recovery. It has given me consistency and a sense of "belonging" to a group and giving me a purpose in that group (washing up, greeting, putting up the signs, hoovering and now secretary). I have changed both mine since my early days, the ones I went to first were VERY structured and rigid and that is what I felt most safe with.

The chaos of some of the more crazy meetings I couldn't handle as I felt too fragile. The guys were so kind and really were very sexually restrained (good male sponsorhip) so it felt safe. I felt very uncomfortable around men for a long time. I still do sometimes. I guess this is all just learning to be comfortable in my own skin.

Practice these Principles in ALL our affairs

"We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes OCCUPATIONS and affairs."

Growth

I have asked for some advice on my career situation and got some very candid feedback.

I shudder about some of the fantastic opportunities I have missed because I have been in denial about certain things or just not willing to educate myself enough. Denial really is a right bugger.

It's been easier to find fault with everyone else.

There a few areas I can now "see" I need to work on. I don't want to go into them all here, I am rather embarrassed about it all if the truth be known. At least I can "feel" that I am closer to the truth than I was before.

The Truth Shall Set you Free.

I am still not really sure that this is what is going on here, I just feel a bit strange...like things have been rearranged. Humbled/embarrassed/feel like I look a bit silly/sad/angry with myself.

I have missed both my home groups this week, one was unavoidable as I was away for work the other I chose to do something else.

I don't know what to say

I think I might be heading towards a point of clarity about my job situation. I feel a bit different. I can not articulate it at the moment, but I feel a may be getting closer to the truth.

Part of what I am feeling is defeat. Surrender. A concession to my inner most self that I can't figure this out on my own???

I do not know.

The words "it was a crushing blow" spring to mind from the Big Book. Maybe I have hit step one in this area. Or maybe I am talking crap. I am tired and getting a cold after all this analysis!

I AM genuiently greatful I am sober today. At least I now have the opportunity to deal with these issues.

I am grateful it's autumn too...I hate summer...maybe that will change one day...and I will be like that rest of the world who adore summer for reasons best known to themselves.

Confused..

I think I have maybe been lying to myself all this time about jobs. If I really wanted a new one why did I not really make the effort. What was stopping me?? Was it fear all this time. It's been three years. A year of that time spent going through the steps, a year getting up the courage to seriously apply and a year wasted I guess...

I don't know what it has all been about. Have I not REALLY been trying? Am I too lazy? Am I missing something.

I have missed a lot of opportunities, because I think my head has been in the sand or I have just been plan dishonest about what I want don't want.

Maybe I have been too scared to get out my comfort zone or too lazy??

Step ten, will keep doing it, even though I think it's a pile of sh*te, I know my best thinking got me here and all that.......

One confused/stuck in rut (and wanting to stay there??) person..

Step 11

I did some step 11 stuff today.

Have a few more step 11 things taking place over the next few months, looking forward to that.

Also had a savoury crepe some coffee with someone from the fellowship, afterwards.

Too tired to try to figure issues out today.

Work

I am being bullied by one of my colleagues at work. Since I have been in the job I have been seen by my colleagues as a soft target. They know I am weak and vulnerable so they do what human beings love to do: put me down and bully me.

At the moment, a more senior colleaugue, desperate to promote himself, keeps taking swipes at me, saying things like (in front of my boss) what I am saying is not relevant, saying what I saying does not make sense, talking over me.

It's been like this since I have been in this role, it hasn't changed and I doubt it will now, they do it like shooting fish in a barrell. There are three of them and one of me, becuase I am not loud or confident and don't drink I get shat on regularly.

OH and, yes tried leaving, never get anywhere with that despite numerous attempts.

So, this is my lot that my loving higher power as given to me; bullied at work, unable to secure an alternative job, no partner. I am so grateful, wow, I am soooooo lucky. Lucky old me.

But hey I'm not drinking or taking drugs so wow what a GREAT life I have. Thanks God. Thanks for making me.

Glad to be alive. Life beyond my wildest dreams, sssssssh all that working with newcomers really paid off, I am soooooooo glad I did it. I'm REALLY being looked after. Rocketed in a fourth dimension that's me.

Gratitude:

I am grateful that

I am consistently bullied at work
I am put down and ignored at work
I keep trying to get a new job...but dont get one
that I am single
I was born

Because you know what, it's all for a reason, god works in mysterious ways so I am so grateful he has given soooooooo much. Wow, life is just utterly fantastic.